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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
#roast
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What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an atheist and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night and wonders if there’s a dog
#wordplay
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I have a plan: to hybridize cauliflower plants and dogwood trees. I’ll plant them along the edges of my property.
They’ll be my border caulis.
#wordplay
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When my Tinder date arrived in the restaurant, I guided her to her seat, and asked, “Shall I push your stool in?”…
She said, “Let’s first see how this date goes.”
#wordplay
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What did one ocean say to the other? The punchline is not what you think.
not what you think.
#antijoke
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A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat 3 times
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!"
#boomerhumor
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The fact there's a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell
Tells you about the anticipated traffic.
#other
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A traveling salesman is driving past a farmhouse when he sees a pig with a wooden leg.
This piques his curiosity, so he goes to the house and knocks on the door. The farmer answers.
"What's the story with the pig with the wooden leg?" asks the salesman.
"Let me tell you about that pig," says the farmer. "That is no ordinary pig."
"One night about six months ago my house caught on fire. That pig came into the house, nudged me awake, and led me through the smoke to safety. That pig saved my life!"
"That really is some pig," the salesman agrees. "But why does he have a wooden leg?"
"Well," says the farmer, "a pig like that you don't eat all at once."
#other
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A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out.
The genie tells him he has two wishes.
The guy says "I always thought it was three wishes."
The genie says "Check your pants."
The guy looks down and goes, "Woah, it's huge!"
And the genie says, "I've been doing this a long time."
#oldbutold
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3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It's 5050
#wordplay
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Here’s a knock at the front door and both , grandpa and grandkid peep through the curtains…
Grandpa whispers to the kid: it’s your teacher. go hide, you skipped school today.
Grandkid whispers back to grandpa: you go hide, I told her you passed away
#other
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What would my name be if I were the ruler of Uranus
Just assking
#wordplay
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I was fired the other day, so I handed back my badge and my gun.
The boss said to me: "You work in McDonalds, where the hell did you get those?"
#other
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When I was young I wanted to play the guitar really badly.
After years of lessons, hard work, and practice I can play the guitar really badly.
#wordplay
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A girl asked me what it's like having a penis...
I told her:
"It's hard sometimes"
#wordplay
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Rex came home after a hard day at work. He went into the kitchen and realized that it had been freshly painted. He was surprised. He asked his wife if she had painted the kitchen.
Karen sat on the couch while eating Cheetos and bon-bons. "No," she replied. "I've been asking you to do the kitchen for weeks. I was complaining to the neighbor about it and he said that if I would have sex with him he would paint it today."
Rex immediately ran upstairs into the bedroom. Karen could hear the closet door open. She knew he kept the gun there. She giggled with glee about the trouble she was about to cause.
Rex stormed down the stairs and he threw black, lacy lingerie on her lap. He said, "If you see him tomorrow put this on. I need shelves put up in the garage!"
#sexandshit
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What do Trump and all of 007's enemies over the last 60 years have in common?
None of them can secure a Bond
#wordplay
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I asked my wife if the cup was half full or half empty
She told me: For the last time, stop wearing my bras
#wordplay
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I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing with my life...
It's my Oughtobiography.
#wordplay
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The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
"Well," the cop answered, "you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
#sexandshit
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Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.
Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"
"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".
Surprised, the pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"
The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"
The alien says "Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"
#oldbutgold
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Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
#wordplay
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A man comes to the doctor and asks for the test results of his wife.
"I'm afraid" says the doc "we may have swapped her results. So I can't tell if she either has Alzheimer's or Aids."
"That's terrible" says the man. "What should I do now?"
Scratching his chin the doc answers "You should bring her to the woods and leave. If she finds home, don't fuck her."
#oldbutgold
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I launched a series of books aimed at teenagers last week.
Managed to hit three of the little shits.
#wordplay
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A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.
A student puts up his hand and says 'G.'
The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
#other
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The boy said:
"I wanted to get you flowers, but when I got to the flower shop, a girl was blocking the door! She was dressed like a prostitute, and was murmuring something, I think it was numbers! I didn't want to deal with her, so I came straight here.
The girl said:
"Oh, don't worry, it's the thot that counts. "
#wordplay
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Every guy wants sex at the end but I'm different
I want it at the beginning.
#sexandshit
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My son’s girlfriend has been dropping these subtle hints about her financial problems. I’m starting to worry.
She keeps asking him to leave her a loan.
#wordplay
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A billionaire makes an offer to his employee.
The boss says "You seem like a nice guy. If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Ferrari, and a million dollar annual salary."
The employee asks what's wrong with her. The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's also as dumb as a brick." The employee replies, "I don't care what you offer me, it's not worth it." The boss says, "I'll still give you all the perks but make the salary $3 million a year and buy you a penthouse condominium on Park Avenue as well." After a bit of thought, the guy accepts the offer figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
About a year later, the employee buys an original Salvadore Dali painting and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, hits his thumb, and screams "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
#oldbutgold
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A priest and rabbi are sitting on an airline next to each other
The stewardess brings out their meals, the priest a pork dinner, and the rabbi a salad.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says "can I ask you a question?" the rabbi nods. The priest asks "you don't eat pork correct?" The rabbi says "no it is forbidden in Leviticus. An animal must have split hooves and chew it's cud to be kosher. A pig doesn't qualify." The priest asks "but have you ever tried it?" The rabbi says "yes, I must confess I did. In my younger days, before I was religious, I was somewhat rebellious I did try pork."
The rabbi asks the priest "can I ask you a question?" the priest nods. The rabbi says "you can't have sex, right?" The priest says "no. We must have undivided attention to God and not let marriage or sex cloud that focus so we agree to celibacy." The rabbi says "but did you ever?" The priest says "yes, I must confess I did. In my younger days, before I considered being a priest I was a bit wild and did experience the pleasure of a woman's flesh." After a brief pause the rabbi says "better than pork, huh?"
#religion
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