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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Attractive women are just looking for security.
I know because I started talking to one and that's what she yelled.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I told my wife, “I won the Leslie Nielsen prize at the office today.”
Her: What’s that?
Me: It’s a place where people go to work, but that’s not important right now.
#other
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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner
I'm done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture
#sexanshit
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RIP, boiling water
You will be mist.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A newly opened bar has a sign outside, beer for only $3
A man sees the sign, walks into the bar and orders a beer.
After finishing the beer, the man takes out three $1 coins from his pocket, and feeling a bit mischievous, gets up from his seat, walks to one end of the counter and places a $1 coin there. He then walks over to the other end of the counter and places another $1 coin there. Finally, he walks back to his seat and places the third $1 coin right in the middle of the counter. The bartender gives him an odd look but has no other option but to walk the entire length of the bar counter to pick up the coins.
This went on repeatedly over the next few days and each day the bartender felt more and more annoyed at the man's behaviour.
One day, the man returns again to order a beer but realises he doesn't have enough $1 coins to place them all over the counter. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. At this point, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is finally his day to get his revenge on the man. The bartender quickly takes out two $1 coins and places them at opposite ends of the counter.
With a grin on his face, the bartender goes back to the man and says, "Go on then, collect your change".
The man then takes out a single $1 coin from his pocket, slides it over to the middle of the counter, and says, "One more beer, please."
#other
@Sickipedia
I think writng letters is sexist.
Its a mail dominated business.
#wordplay
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My old girlfriend can count the number of guys she's been intimate with on one hand.
If she's holding a calculator.
#sexandshit
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I recently switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack.
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What country's capital is growing the fastest?
Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.
#wordplay
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If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men?
"Friends"
#other
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Why is 10 + 10 and 11 + 11 the same thing?
10 + 10 is twenty and 11 + 11 is twenty too.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!
#oldbutgold
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A man rescues a "pirate" from a deserted island.
After inviting the apparent pirate onto his boat, he asks whether it is harder to plunder ships with a wooden leg, hook for a hand, and eye patch.
The man promptly replies "actually, I'm not a pirate."
"Oh really? Then what's with the wooden leg?"
"I was trying to swim out of the island. A shark bit my leg off and I had to replace it with this plank of wood."
"Well, what about the hand?"
"While foraging for food in the island, a snake bit my hand and I had to cut it off, then replaced it with this hook."
"Okay. But what about the eye patch?"
"That's from seagull poop."
"Wait, seagull poop makes you blind?"
"No, it was just my first day with the hook."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A very shy person wanted to learn how to approach a girl.
So he went to watch a video on how to overcome shyness and talk to girls.
In the video, the coach made a demo where he approched a girl and immediately asked her to guess a number from 1 to 9.
The girl said 4, so the coach smiled and replied that the number she picked was the right one and that he can give her a kiss as a gift.
So the shy person went to apply what he learned, he approached a girl asked her to guess a number and when she answered 5 he was very disappointed.
#other
@Sickipedia
A gay couple, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club...
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a napkin, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy.
So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A woman is angry with her husband and says…
“My best friend’s husband still flirts with her in public. He touches her and kisses her. They still have sex all the time. Why can’t you do any of that?” So her husband says “It sounds like he’d be in my way. Besides, I barely know the woman.”
#other
@Sickipedia
I will be posting my jokes telepathically today.
If you think of something funny, it was me.
#other
@Sickipedia
What Superhero do we all have on our smartphone cameras?
The Flash.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer. discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.
You should have seen how mad and violent she was when got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning. Please friends, if you can't handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.
#other
@Sickipedia
As the blonde licked my balls, I wondered...
Was this her first tennis lesson?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman is walking home with her daughters.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose.”
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."
The third girl asks "HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!"
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A man goes to the doctor about his dick.
So a man is starting to get concerned and goes to his doctor about his dick.
He says:
Doc, when I was 20 and I had a hard on I couldn’t bend it with my hand.
When I was 30 and I had a hard on I could bend it 20 degrees with my hand.
When I was 40 and I had a hard on I could bend it 60 degrees with my hand.
Now that I’m 50 and I have a hard on I can bend it 90 degrees with my hand.
Doc, how much stronger am I going to get??
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him, and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
#other
@Sickipedia
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A study of over 1500,00 men finds that people with a lower IQ are likely to have a larger penis.
The study goes on to say it found a strong coruhlashin between IQ and penis size saying the results had a stastisticly sigfignicant negitiv coruhlashin. With a study size of over 1500,00 mails, sientists say these results are cunclewsiv
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I had a dream last night that I was fighting an erection.
I was able to beat it off single handedly.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A Jewish son tells his father he is moving out.
The son returns a year later and tells his father that he has converted to Christianity. The father is upset and calls his friend who is also Jewish. “You won’t believe this, my son David moved out for a year and came back and told me he converted to Christianity.” His friend says, “you won’t believe this...my son Benjamin moved away for a year and when he came back HE converted to Christianity too”!
Both upset, they call their rabbi and explain what happened. The rabbi says, “you won’t believe this, my son Joshua moved away and when HE came back he told me he converted to Christianity too”! The rabbi suggests they call God and tell him.
The rabbi tells God that all three men had sons who moved away and converted to Christianity and don’t know what to do. God says to them, “you won’t believe this...
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Sometimes when my wife is sad I let her color my tatoos.
She just needs a shoulder to crayon...
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard..
Personally, I’m on the fence.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My friend said that he doesn't understand Cloning.
I said,well that makes the two of us.
#wordplay
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