15217
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My friend said that he doesn't understand Cloning.
I said,well that makes the two of us.
#wordplay
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I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
#wordplay
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All my friends tell me I'm a pussy magnet.
Unfortunately I'm the wrong polarity.
#other
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Dating in your 40's is like looking for a parking spot....
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
#wordplay
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I never understood why they named the show "SpongeBob"
Patrick was literally the star of the show
#wordplay
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How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
#wordplay
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Can anyone tell me what FOMO stands for?
Everyone else seems to know.
#other
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I met a really hot girl who was half Japanese and half Philipino.
I think I might have ruined our relationship as I kept calling her a jalapeño.
#wordplay
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A Russian greets his friend: “Have you heard? Pravda is running a contest for the best political joke. The first prize is 20 years.”
#politics
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I don't take elevators
In fact, I take steps to avoid them.
#wordplay
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What's the difference between a casual dinner party and a pirate orgy.
The dinner party you come as you are, the orgy you arrr as you cum.
#wordplay
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I got fired from Microsoft...
but I excel at finding new jobs. This is because I have a way with words, and a positive outlook on life
#wordplay
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A famous cardiologist died.
In his honour, his grave was cut in the shape of a heart. As the heart shaped coffin was being layed into the grave, an old man was laughing uncontrollably.
Someone asked the man his reason for laughing on a such grievous occasion. The man replied, "I am a famous doctor myself. I was laughing thinking about what my grave would look like." "What is the area of your expertise?"
The man replied, "I am a gynecologist."
#oldbutgold
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Dad: "Son, In Afghanistan I killed 12 people.”
Son: Dad you were a cook.
Dad: Never said I was a good one
#oldbutgold
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The phone rings at 1 a.m.
The husband picks it up and yells "how the hell do I know? I'm not a weatherman" and slams down the phone.
"Who was that?" the wife says.
The husband replies "some jerk who wants to know if the coast is clear."
#other
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I hate it when people show me pictures of their kids.
I'm sorry. They're missing, now move on.
#other
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My wife and I sat down with our son and I said…
“Billy, you were adopted.” Billy looked at us. His face was red and full of anger “I demand to meet my biological parents!” My wife softly said “We ARE your biological parents. Now, hurry and pack.”
#oldbutgold
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How do you make Budweiser?
Send him to school.
#wordplay
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What did the police say when they arrested the man pretending to be Mozart?
Come, poser!
#wordplay
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Daughter: "Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?"
Me: "Wow, I thought most only had 4."
#wordplay
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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are playing poker when the cops raid the game.
The lead officer questions the priest, “Father Murphy, were you gambling?
Father Murphy silently asks God to forgive him for what he is about to say. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”
The cop turns to the minister, “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?”
Pastor Johnson also appeals to Heaven. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”
The cop finally turns to the rabbi. “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?”
“Gambling?” he asks, glancing at the priest and the minister. “With who?”
#other
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How would a drummer get paid if he started selling pillows?
Per cushion.
#wordplay
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On his deathbed, an old Jew says to his wife,
“Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me.”
The wife nodded dutifully, “I was, Moshe”
He labored a bit and then said, “When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again.”
The wife tearfully said, “I was, Moshe”
“And now you're at my death bed, aren't you?”, added Moshe.
The wife replied, “I am, darling.”
The old Jew sighed, “I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Dammit, i killed my photographer friend by accident.
I misunderstood when he said he wanted to be shot with the Canon :(
#wordplay
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Science puns make me numb.
Math puns make me number.
#wordplay
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away.
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
#oldbutgold
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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One! Because they are very effective and don't have a sense of humor!"
#other
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An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says "I'm going to need to see some id".
#wordplay
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What’s a robot’s favorite snack?
Computer chips
#wordplay
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If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US,
He will be rolling in his grave.
#wordplay
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