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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My Daughter turned 18 this weekend, so I bought her a locket with a picture of herself inside. Thankfully, She's now finally..
Independent.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
How is procrastination like masturbation?
It feels good at first but soon you'll realize the only person you screwed was yourself.
#wordplay
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Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.
I was like well damn.
#wordplay
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I sat next to a baby on a ten hour flight. I had no idea it was possible to cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed that I could pull it off.
#oldbutgold
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I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
#other
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On a bus, a Christian priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read the newspaper.
Suddenly, in a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest: "Do you know what arthritis is?"
The priest thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful living: excess consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say."
The drunk looked unsatisfied and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, asked the drunk: "How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis. It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
#religion
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Jimmy's mom visits his school one day.
She meets Jimmy's teacher, and the teacher says he is the dumbest kid in the school. He scores the lowest in the class and is not interested in anything. His mother was so disappointed that she took Jimmy out of the school.
25 years later the teacher got very sick, and needed to be operated. She had a low chance of surviving the operation, but miraculously she survived, because of the doctors skills. Wanting to thank the doctor she asked to meet him
The doctor came to see her and smiled. The teacher started to say something, but suddenly gasped, turned blue raised her hands wanting to tell him something and died.
The doctor was shocked, still trying to understand what happened when he saw our olf friend Jimmy, who was now a cleaner at the hospital take out the plug for the oxygen machine and put his phone for charging.
Don't tell me you thought that Jimmy had become a Doctor.
#other
@Sickipedia
Which nation values skinny girls the most?
France. They all want to bone-a-petite
#wordplay
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A woman walks up to a bus stop to wait for a bus. The only other person waiting there is a guy wearing a ballerina outfit, full clown makeup and has an orange traffic cone on his head.
The woman tries to keep quiet but after a few minutes she can’t resist and asks the guy, “Hey, um…what’s with the outfit?”
“What do you mean?” he responds.
“Well, you’re wearing a tutu, clown makeup and you have a traffic cone on your head,” she says.
“Yeah,” he says casually. “It’s Wednesday. I always wear my ballerina outfit with my clown makeup and cone hat on Wednesdays.”
She replies, “It’s actually Tuesday today.”
“It’s Tuesday?!” the guy says. “Oh man…I must look like a fucking idiot.”
#other
@Sickipedia
When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.
It must have been the delivery.
#wordplay
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Roman soldier says, "We lost a man and now number only 99". His centurion replies, "I see". The soldier responds...
No, XCIX
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
#wordplay
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I wanted to tell you guys a joke about numerators and denominators
but only a fraction of you would get it.
P.S. I can tell you guys are going to be divided on this one!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why was the calendar terrified?
It knew its days were numbered.
#wordplay
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9 out of 10 puns don't make people laugh
But a pun in ten did.
#wordplay
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Was showing someone pictures of my wife in the nude.
Needless to say, my wife got rather upset when she found out. Said I could've at least worn a robe or something to cover myself up.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Woman: “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What did you do dear?”
Woman: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”
Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”
Woman: “Because he touched my hand.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)
Woman: “Yes, father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”
Woman: “Then he touched my breast.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast)
Woman: “Yes, father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Woman: “Then he took off my clothes, father.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)
Woman: “Yes, father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Woman: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Woman: “Yes father! YES FATHER! YES FATHER!!!”
Priest: (after a few minutes): “That is still no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Woman: “Then he told me he has AIDS.”
Priest: “SON OF A BITCH."
#oldbutgold
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Yo mama so fat during in a full moon she turns into a warehouse.
#wordplay
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Which room can't be entered by the dead?
The living room
#wordplay
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My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, “Do you smoke or drink coffee?”
I told him I drink it.
#oldbutgold
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René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies, "I think not," and promptly disappears.
#other
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Old man was sitting deep in thought at his 80th birthday party.
His grandson comes up to him and asked him what he was thinking about.
He thought for a moment then began:
"When I was your age Billy, when I got an erection, try as I might I couldn't bend it one bit!
Then in my 20s, I could bend it a bit, maybe 15 degrees. By my 40s I could bend it maybe 30, and in my 60s, it was half."
"Why are you thinking about that?" the grandson asked,
"Well, this morning I was able to fold it completely in half. Which is what I am wondering about. How much stronger am I going to get?"
#sexandshit
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I'm glad I know a sign language.
It's quite handy.
#wordplay
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An ecologist is giving a speech and says, "If we continue on our current course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years." A man in the audience stands up and hysterically asks, "What?! What did you say?!"
He repeats, "If humanity stays on its current course every living thing on earth will be gone in 50 years."
The man is relieved and sits down saying, "Whew. I thought you said FIFTEEN years."
#other
@Sickipedia
I really hate black holes
They just suck
#wordplay
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Dad: “How are your grades, son?”
Son: “They’re underwater, Dad.” Dad: “What do you mean, underwater?” Son: “They’re below C level”
#wordplay
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The cross-eyed teacher always have troubles to control his pupils
#wordplay
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What did the ocean say to the beach?
Can I crash here?
The beach said "Shore"
#wordplay
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My wife's upset with me again....
The other day we were nearing the end of our daily jog and she said "Do you fancy a race?" I said "Yeah, Asian. Great legs."
#wordplay
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What starts with a P & ends with an S and most men have them and most women want them?
Pockets.
#wordplay
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