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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea!
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs that's been hit by a car?
Still bloody no idea!!
#wordplay
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My mailman had a sex change.
I guess you can call him a post-man now.
#wordplay
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I once swallowed a bunch of synonyms.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
#wordplay
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A single sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1,587.5TB
That's a lot of information to swallow.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.”
She said, “You pick.”
I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”
She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
#other
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What's stopping you from breaking through the ozone layer and reaching the stars?
At most, fear
#wordplay
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How many KGB does it take to change light bulb, comrade?
You complain too much about light dissappearing, maybe you might dissappear too, no?
#other
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What has six eyes but can’t see a thing?
Three blind mice!
#other
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People think I'm very weird when they know that I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist every day for 20 years.
It's not my fault if that's my parents' jobs.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman is caught in the very act of adultery...
and Jesus is asked "The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”
And he sits down on the ground, and starts writing the names of sins in the dust before them. The tension fizzles slowly out of the crowd. The Pharisees continue to demand an answer from him, though, Jesus ignores them. Finally Jesus looks up at them and says "Go ahead, but let the one who has never committed a sin cast the first stone."
And he fixes his gaze on the Pharisees, who look away. Everyone is silent, and the tension fizzles out of the crowd. The older men drop their stones.
And suddenly a half-brick comes flying through the air, hits the woman smack in the face; she goes down, and everyone joins in.
But Jesus isn't looking; he marches to the back of the crowd, grabs an elderly lady by the shoulders, shakes her, and screams: "Mum! You really can be a pain in the arse at times!"
#religion
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What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed "Heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you're wrong.
The answer is "Nun of the Above".
#wordplay
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I matched with an empty-picture Tinder profile.
We had a brief conversation. Clever and humorous, so I proposed a date. Yes, she replied.
I was guessing she'll be 400 pounds. However, it was she who answered the door—this little strawberry blonde with a lustrous head and well formed curves everywhere. After exchanging our true names, I asked her what does she do for work. "Sunday school teacher," she says. I'm taking her to the second-best restaurant I can think of even though I've never had a Christian girl.
I ask her if she's hungry as I take out a joint of my finest cannabis. She responds, "Heavens no, what would i tell my sunday school children?" . Well, some people smoke, and some people don't, so I didn't give it much attention.
When we get to the restaurant, she orders the lobster while I get a steak. I choose the second-most costly bottle of wine available. However, when the waitress brings it she says she doesn't drink. Im mindblown. "You don't drink?"
"Heavens no. How would I explain this to my Sunday school students?"
We laugh at one other's jokes and have a nice time, but when I sip from that expensive bottle by myself, I realize this is a disaster.
As I'm driving her home i pass a cheap hotel and figuring i got nothing to lose ask her :"want to get a room and knock boots?"
She says "I thought you'd never ask."
I'm like really?!? "what will you tell your sunday school children?"
She said: the same thing i tell them every week
"You don't have to drink and smoke to have a good time"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
So I met this girl at the County Fair...
Before I even got her name, we're making out.
An hour later, we're going at it on the Ferris wheel.
She took me home to meet her momma that night.
Momma said, "You know, we named our sweet girl Nevaeh. It's 'heaven' spelled backwards."
I said, "Momma, you shoulda named her Tulsa."
#sexandshit
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I once dated a partially deaf girl who was utterly disappointed the first time we were intimate.
“I thought you said you were circus-sized.”
#wordplay
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Me: "The baby is only 67% done with pooping." Wife: "What? How can you tell?"
Me: "Two turds."
#wordplay
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A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office
and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again…”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Women's ass size study There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses and the results were pretty interesting.
30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny, The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
If it takes 6 men 3 hours to dig a hole, how long does it take 3 men to dig half a hole?
You can’t get half a hole, it’s a hole either way
#other
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Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing…
He said: “Just checking my balance”
#wordplay
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A secret agent is sent to Ireland to deliver a top secret package
"Go to this small town in Ireland, find our agent named O'Malley and say the following to him: 'the shadows of the moon are getting dark.' He'll reply 'but the sun will guarantee the light.' When he says that, give him the package and head home."
So the agent goes to the small Irish town but only sees a handful of shops and a farm. He walks up to the farmer and says "I'm looking for a man named O'Malley."
The farmer replies "you need to be more specific than that. The bank manager is named O'Malley, the Butcher is O'Malley, the undertaker is O'Malley and for that matter I'm O'Malley too."
Hearing that he says to the farmer in a hushed voice "the shadows of the moon are getting dark."
The farmer replies "oh your looking for O'Malley the spy. He lives in the next community west."
#other
@Sickipedia
Pizza guy: your total is $38.24
Me: I can't afford that
Pizza guy: well you're gonna have to pay some other way, then
Me: [takes out wallet] wait I forgot I had 40 bucks
Porn director: Cut, WTF?
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I bought my daughter a handbag from Iraq.
She said thanks for the Baghdad.
#wordplay
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My son got a fever and started claiming that he sees dead people.
It was his sick's sense.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Don't let anyone tell you you're past your prime: there's always more prime years ahead.
2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, 97, 101, 103, 107, 109, 113, 127. . .
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I've decided to put off my gender transition surgery until after I've gotten my linguistics degree.
I'm a trans later.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife’s doctor prescribed her beta blockers.
And now she won’t return my calls or texts
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
On a flight, the passengers suddenly hear:
“Here is your pilot. Today is my 10.000th flight. I would like to do something special. Would you like to experience a loop? Then applaud.”
The excited passengers applaud.
The pilot says, “ok, fasten your seatbelts”, and a few moments later he does a perfectly executed loop. Everyone is laughing and applauding.
“Would you like to experience a corkscrew roll?”
More applause and the pilot does the manoeuvre to loud acclaim.
“Ok, this was it, enjoy the rest of your flight.”
At that moment, the toilet opens, and a wet and soiled man shuffles out and shouts, “Do you think that’s funny?!”
#other
@Sickipedia
I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.
When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
I said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."
#other
@Sickipedia
Guy goes to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed.
The shrink gives the guy an inkblot card and asks, "Look at this and tell me what you see."
The guy studies it for a long moment and says, "Not 100% sure, but I think that's Card #6-A, Rorschach Series Three."
#other
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