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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
#other
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Where’s the worst place to have a heart attack?
In the middle of a game of charades.
#illness
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Which rock group has four men, including one named George and another who was shot to death?
Mount Rushmore
#wordplay
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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
#other
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I took a new job a few months ago. Same field I've been in for 23 years, but different employer and territory. I showed up at a place today and introduced myself. It was a room with 4 women, ages about 28 to 60. One of them asked, "So are you a new guy?" I said, "Oh, no. I'm 49; I've been a guy for a long time."
#dadjoke
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A man is dying in the hospital
He's surrounded by his two sons, his daughter, his wife, and a nurse. He turns to his family and says:
"Peter, my eldest, I leave you the villas in Beverly Hills. Samantha, my beautiful daughter, to you I give the apartments in Los Angeles Plaza. Charlie, my youngest son, I see a long and bright future in you, so I leave the city center offices to you. And my dear wife, the three residential towers in downtown are all yours."
The nurse hears all of this and is impressed at the man's sizeable fortune. She turns to the wife and says, "Ma'am, your husband must be very rich to be bequeathing so many properties. You all are so lucky."
The wife retorts, "Rich? Lucky? Are you kidding me? He's a milkman. He's giving us his routes."
#other
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A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics. He makes friends with the tribe's chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time.
One day the chief's wife gives birth to a white child. The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock.
The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you are the only white man we've ever seen around here, and my wife gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, chief, you're mistaken. What we have here is a natural occurrence what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about the white kid."
#oldbutgold
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I had to break up with my girlfriend, because she couldn’t stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now?
#other
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A few days ago, I was out for my weekly 10k jog with my friend. We ran through a swarm of bees. He was stung, and collapsed within about 30 seconds
He was looking in severe distress and was having trouble breathing, so I called 911. The ambulance got there in about 5 minutes, but he had already lost consciousness. They tried to revive him on the scene, but they said it was too late. He was gone. I was in total shock.
I went to his wake yesterday. I offered my condolences to his wife Liz. She was in total shell-shock. He was 52 but in fantastic health. Jim ran every day, but we’d also meet up once per week to run 10k for fun, just to push each other a bit.
So I told her “Liz, before Jim lost consciousness, he reached into his running shorts and pulled out this blue and yellow thing that says ‘EPI-PEN’ and gave it to me. It seemed to be very important to him, so I want you to have it”
#illness
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Took a woman out on a date. Went out to dinner, then a movie with cocktails at a fancy lounge afterward. I spent a lot of money. I figured she owed me. So when we got back to my place,
I turned the lights down low, sat next to her on the couch, put my arm around her and took $20 out of her purse.
#other
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On St. Patrick's day, someone came up to me and said "I don't like everyone appropriating my culture on this day"
I said "Why? Are you Irish?"
He said "No, I'm an alcoholic"
#other
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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
#other
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A burglar stole all the lamps in my house.
I know I should be more upset but I'm absolutely delighted.
#wordplay
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70% of women have used sex toys
means 30% bought theirs new?
#wordplay
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"99.9% of the people are dumb!"
"Fortunately I belong to the remaining 1%"
#oldbutgold
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After my boss died, I attended his wake.
He had an open casket, and I got in line to pay my respects. When it was finally my turn, I knelt down beside the body, and said softly:
“Who’s thinking outside the box now, Gary?”
#oldbutgold
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I told a joke on a Teams meeting at work today. Nobody laughed.
Turns out I'm not even remotely funny.
#wordplay
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"What did the one nut say while chasing the other nut?"
I will cashew 😅
#wordplay
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Women shouldn't have kids after 35.
35 kids is more than enough.
#wordplay
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Although we've been married 37 years, my wife and I have sex almost every night
We almost had it on Monday, we almost had it on Tuesday, we almost had it on Wednesday...
#wordplay
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A man goes to a courthouse to legally change his name.
The desk clerk asks him, "What is your current name?"
"George Buttcrack."
"Whoa! No wonder you want to change your name! What do you want to change your name to?"
"Ted Buttcrack."
#other
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Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus
And I lost my job as a bus driver
#other
@Sickipedia
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
#religion
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I had to break up with my girlfriend, because she couldn’t stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
“May you live as long as you want and not want as long as you live!” is an Irish toast.
“Bread, cinnamon, eggs and maple syrup!” is a French toast.
#wordplay
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My wife said our cat was pregnant.
I said, “you’ve gotta be kitten me!”
#wordplay
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A man has a severe stuttering problem.
He goes to a cafe and tells the barista: “c..c..can I h..h..ha..have a c..c..co..coffee p..p..pl..please?” The barista tells him: “learn how to speak first and then come back again and order”
The man goes back home and practices the sentence for several minutes and comes back again. He goes to the barista and says: “can I h..h..ha..have a c..c..co..coffee p..p..pl..please?”
The barista tells him: “Again! learn how to speak first and then come back and order” The man goes back home and practices the sentence for several hours and comes back again.
He goes to the barista and says: “can I have a c..c..co..coffee p..p..pl..please?”
The barista tells him: “You again?! learn how to speak first and then come back and order” The man goes back home and practices the sentence for several more hours and comes back again.
He goes to the barista and says: “can I have a coffee p..p..pl..please?”
The barista tells him: “Ugh!! I told you learn how to speak first and then come back and order”
Frustrated, the man goes back home and practices the sentence for the whole day, then comes back again. He approaches the barista and says: “can I have a coffee please?” The barista says: “sure, with cream or without?”
The man says:”F..f..f..fuck y..y..you!”
#other
@Sickipedia
First time in Vegas I stayed for one night. Checked out in the morning, the bill was $250, and they had added resort fees, and I asked what the heck is that for?! She said the hotel had a pool and internet here and available for use. I said I didn't even use them! She said “Well they were here and available and you could’ve used them.”
So I just wrote out a check, but made it out for $50 and handed it to her. She said: “Sir this check is for only $50.”
I said “That’s right! I charged you $200 for sleeping with me.”
“But I didn’t!” she said.
I said: “Well I was here and available, and you could have!”
#other
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What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing. He was gladiator.
#sexandshit
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A ship sinks in the South Pacific, and the only survivors are a man, a dog, and a sheep.
They manage to find a piece of wreckage to hang onto, and after a day or two, they wash up on a deserted island. The man looks around, and there's plenty of fruit and fish and fresh water, but he's all alone, just him and the dog and the sheep.
A couple of months pass. The man is surviving and thriving, but he's getting lonely, and that sheep's starting to look awful seductive. Eventually he gives into temptation, but as soon as he gets near the sheep, the dog starts barking and biting and chasing him off. This continues for the next three months, the dog chasing off the man every time he tries to make a move on the sheep.
One day, the man is walking along the beach to take a cold bath in the ocean, when he sees a beautiful woman on the sand, unconscious. He runs over and resuscitates her, and spends the next week tending to her injuries and learning about her. She was a pilot, and her plane crashed into the sea in a gale, and just happened to wash up on this deserted island, a thousand miles away from the nearest land.
The two of them grow close, and one night, she asks him, "I know you're awful lonely here. Is there something I can do for you to repay you for helping me?"
The man says, "Yeah, can you take the dog for a walk for a couple hours?"
#sexandshit
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