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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
So a Termite walks into a bar and asks
"Is the bar tender here?"
#wordplay
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Her: I’m sick of him misunderstanding every single thing.
Therapist, to me: What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
#wordplay
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When you die people cry and beg for you to come back
but, when you do, they freak out
#other
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What did the graphics card say to the monitor during sex?
"Maybe we should switch to a different position because 69 Hz."
#wordplay
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Why are men more patriotic than women?
Because they were born with the pro-state gland.
#wordplay
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Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sexy cousin.
It tastes the same but it just ain't right.
#oldbutgold
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25 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash!
I pray nothing happens to Alan Cumming!
#wordplay
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Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.
Due to a clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven.
When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven.
The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?"
"Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary."
"Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
#sexandhit
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I've changed my name legally to become complete a new person
But they always ask me for my first name, doesn't matter wherever I go!
#wordplay
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How do you make a cow go "woof"?
Cover it in petrol and set it on fire.
#other
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Name a vegetable that begins with Q
Cucumber
#wordplay
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"9-1-1, what is your emergency?"
"Help! I was hunting in the woods with my friend, and he suddenly dropped dead for no reason! Oh my God, I'm freaking out!!"
"Calm down, sir, we'll get you through this. The first thing we need to do is make sure that your friend really is dead."
"All right, hold on a second."
BLAM!
"Okay, now what?"
#oldbutgold
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How much coke can Charlie Sheen do?
Enough to kill two & a half men.
#oldbutgold
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Four men are in a hospital because their wives are having babies.
A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.” The man says, “That’s crazy, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.” The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.” The man says, “That’s also crazy, I work for the 3M Company.” The nurse tells the third guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of quadruplets.” The man says, “That’s also crazy, I work for the four seasons hotel.” The last man is freaking out and banging his head against the wall. The nurse asks him, “What’s wrong? Trying to get a headache?” He replies, “No, I’m doomed! I work for 7UP.”
#oldbutgold
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How do cops like their coffee?
Black with a couple of shots in it.
#wordplay
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Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a glass of h two o". The second says "I'll have a glass of h two o too".
Walks into a bar
They both get a glass of water because the bartender isn't a moron, and anyway what kind of bar even keeps hydrogen peroxide let alone sell it by the glass?
#other
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Someone complimented my parking today.
There was a note on my windscreen that said "Parking Fine".
#wordplay
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I don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals
It’s pointless
#wordplay
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How does a male chemist flirt with a female chemist?
He says, "U and I are on the periodic table."
And how does the female chemist brush off the male one?
She says, "So is He."
#wordplay
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A man at the beach asked the lifeguard how he had so many pretty girls flocking around him. The lifeguard offered this advice “When you come to the beach, put a potato in your swim trunks”. The next day he approached the lifeguard asking why it is not working for him. “Next time, put the potato in front…”
#oldbutgold
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Two Russians meet in the gulag:
How much did you get?
10 years.
And what did you do?
Nothing!
You're a liar. For nothing you only get 5 years.
#russians
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What's the best part of dating a deaf girl?
She can still talk dirty with your cock in her mouth.
#sexandshit
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I just watched a documentary on marijuana...
I think all documentaries should be watched this way
#oldbutgold
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A sign in a restaurant window reads, "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win a million dollars."
A man walking by notices the sign and walks into the restaurant, sitting down with a smirk. The waiter asks for his order, and the man requests "white rhinoceros stew." Surprisingly, the waiter returns with a steaming bowl of exactly that. The man, taken aback, eats the expensive meal and leaves angrily after paying.
The next day, he returns with the same smirk and orders "bullet ants stuffed with dolphin meat." The waiter promptly brings him his requested dish. Once again, the man, surprised, eats his meal, pays, and leaves in frustration.
On the third day, he sits down and asks for "a lactating mermaid breast sandwich." After a few minutes, the waiter returns with two large duffle bags containing one million dollars. Ecstatic, the man exclaims, "I knew it! You don't have mermaid breast!"
The waiter politely responds, "We actually do, sir. We just ran out of bread."
#oldbutgold
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Each day thousands of people arrive in our country. They don't have any useful labor skills, they don't even speak the language.
They basically sap on our already scarce resources and eventually they will get our jobs.
Babies are completely useless!
#other
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I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
#wordplay
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I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger the other day. Since I know he's into computer stuff, I asked him if he was planning on upgrading to Windows 11.
“No,” he replied, “I still love Vista, baby!”
#wordplay
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I was fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
#wordplay
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I saw a couple cows smoking as they played poker
I guess you could say the steaks were high
#wordplay
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Whats the difference between a worker and a scientist?
How they pronounce "unionized"
#wordplay
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