15217
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
History teacher asked: What comes before B.C.?
Me: A.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My grandpa once said, “When I was a kid, you could go to the store with $2 and come home with a loaf of bread, a jug of milk, 2 candy bars and a cold drink.”
“Now, they have cameras.”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A man and a woman CAN be just friends without there being any sex involved...
...It's called marriage.
#other
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Why would T-Rex have a hard time playing the piano?
They're extinct.
#other
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I’m trying to find a place where I’m considered tall.
You know. Somewhere I be long.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman on the bus just asked me “do you have any pets?”
“A goldfish” I said.
She then asked “any hobbies?”
I replied “he likes swimming.”
#other
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Poll question - do you think you're a horse?
No comments please, just yay or neigh.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My son asked me what that thing on the back of a racecar is called.
I told him, I can't tell you because it's a spoiler.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
People these days are so judgemental
I can tell just by looking at them
#other
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What is Jesus’ least favorite sport?
Lacrosse.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Getting a haircut is sort of like having sex
You never want to hear someone say "uh oh" during it
#other
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Apparently there are 3 marriage rings
The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
#wordplay
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My friend: "Bro, you want this pamphlet?"
Me: "Brochure"
#wordplay
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I paid $500 for a belt
It was a huge waist
#wordplay
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The sweet thing my wife says every time after sex:
Happy Birthday!
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.”
I went in as Batman.
#other
@Sickipedia
“I see,” Said the blind man as he peed into the wind, “it’s all coming back to me now.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
How do you make 7 even?
Take away the S.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I call it an elevator, but my British friend calls it a lift.
I guess we were just raised differently.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why are prisoners virgins?
Because they are incels.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
...especially because his name is Steve
#roats
@Sickipedia
A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.
A doctor comes in and says, "Congratulations! But unfortunately, since this is a new procedure, your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."
The man says to the doctor, "Okay, what are they?"
The doctor says, “Well, first there's the engineer brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's the astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally, there's the politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce."
The man looks at the doctor, surprised… “that's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?"
The doctor turns to him and says, “Sir, do you have any idea how many politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?"
#politics
@Sickipedia
Me and my friends started a band. We’re called 999 megabyte.
We still don’t have a Gig
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Never hire someone named Peter as your file manager.
Because it's an outdated profession, we have computers to do that now.
#other
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My girlfriend got a shitty haircut and she’s crying.
I don’t know what she’s crying about, I’m the one that has to get a new girlfriend.
#other
@Sickipedia
Nothing worse than after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging there. Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started!
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they just compliment it and get pissed that it won’t screw.
#other
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What's the difference between a cougar and a leopard?
A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.
A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.
#worpdlay
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Dentist: "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
Patient: "I heard you the first time. You didn't have to say it twice."
Dentist: "I didn't. That was my echo."
#other
@Sickipedia
It's always so awkward when you're watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene comes on
Really ruined my family's screening of Backdoor Anal Sluts 5.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia