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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I'm proud to say I had never paid for sex ever
I am a pretty fast runner.
#sexandshit
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I feel bad about misjudging my new girlfriend.
I thought she was a bit of a slut when she playfully called me her thirty second lover.
Then I realized that she was talking about time.
#wordplay
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I don’t usually make mathematical puns unless I’m desperate.
But I’ll make one if I half two.
#wordplay
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Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?
He lies awake at night and wonders if there is a dog.
#oldbutgold
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What do British people say when they show concern for you?
U k?
#wordplay
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Two surveyors, George and Mike, are out hunting in the woods...
when they suddenly realize they've become hopelessly lost. They look every which way, but the only things they see all around them are trees.
Mike sits down on a fallen log, his rifle across his lap, and says to George "Well, we're lost. What are we gonna do now?"
George thinks for a second before pulling a grade stake and a sharpie from his back pocket. He writes "Benchmark" on one side of the stake and "Do Not Disturb" on the other side. Then, he uses the butt of his rifle to drive the stake into the ground. With that complete, he sits down next to Mike on the fallen log.
Mike looks from the stake to George and back again before saying "How the hell is that supposed to help us?!"
George just holds up one finger and says "Wait."
After a few minutes, the two men can hear a rumbling sound off in the distance. It slowly gets louder and louder until finally a huge bulldozer comes crashing through the trees. It runs right over the grade stake George had put in the ground before continuing on its path through the woods.
George points in the direction the bulldozer had come from and says "That way."
#other
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A person who likes to be around people is an extrovert. A person who doesn't like to be around people is an introvert. I like to be around cats.
Does that make me a purrvert?
#wordplay
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How do you quickly stop an argument between two deaf person?
Just switch off the light.
#other
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What's great for dogs but terrible for children?
Grooming.
#wordplay
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You have to be pretty brave to undergo transgender surgery
That shit takes balls
#wordplay
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I've always wanted to start a company called "Thank You for Calling How May I help You"
Then my receptionist will have to answer the phone like "Thank you for calling Thank You for Calling How May I Help You, how may I help you?"
#wordplay
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What is the sexiest instrument to play?
A Bagpipe - The ladies have got to respect a man who can blow, finger, and squeeze all at the same time!
#sexandshit
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An old man is at passport control in Paris. He is going through his bag for his passport which he can't find. The irritated woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'
'Yes' replied the old man.
Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last time'
'Impossible!!' she bellowed.
The old man looks her straight in the eye and says 'Last time, when I landed on D-Day on 6th June 1944, I couldn't find a fucking Frenchman to give it to'
#other
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Yall want a pack of dead batteries?
They‘re free of charge!
#wordplay
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What did the body wash say to the guy entering the shower?
Hi, Gene!
#wordplay
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"Mamma I don't like grandma!"
"Eat only the potatoes then".
#other
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Stewardess: "Window or aisle?"
Window or you'll what?
#wordplay
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Me: I've met a girl with 12 breasts
Wife: That sounds strange.
Me: Dozen tit?
#wordplay
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Olympic Results for Sailing are out.
The British have taken the Gold medal.
The French have taken the Silver medal.
The Somalians have taken the boats.
#other
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Doctor: I'm afraid we'll need to remove your colon
Me why?
#wordplay
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What does a Polish girl get on her wedding night that’s long and hard?
New last name
#other
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What is an electrical engineers favorite song?
Watt is love, Baby don't hertz me, Don't hertz me, N-ohm more
#wordplay
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How does a Mother become single?
When she moves Father away.
#wordplay
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Someone asked me if Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump?
That's like comparing apples to oranges.
#wordplay
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I love the way the earth rotates
It makes my day
#wordplay
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My grandpa died because we couldn’t remember his blood type.
He kept telling us to "be positive." It’s really tough without him.
#wordplay
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A blind girl said I have a big di*k.
Turns out, she was just pulling my leg.
#wordplay
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R.I.P. boiling water.
You'll be mist.
#wordplay
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A guy was working on his job, then his boss asks him:
-"Have you ever seen a Penguin?"
-"I have never seen one", the guy replies
-"HOW IS IT THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ONE? GO TO HUMAN RESOURCES RIGHT NOW!"
The guy goes to human resources:
-"Hello, why are you here?"
-"My boss sent me here because i have enever seen a penguin"
-"HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN? YOU ARE FIRED"
The guy, now sad and unemployed, goes to his house
-"Why are you here so early?" his wife asks
-"They fired me" the guy replies
-"How so?" says his wife
-"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me because i have never seen a penguin"
-"YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN?" asks his wife in shock and disbelief
His wife divorces the guy and leaves the house, he is left living with his son
-"Why did mom divorce you?" his son asks
-"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then your mom left me because i have never seen a penguin" he replies
-"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE, HOW IS IT THAT YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN? I AM NO LONGER YOUR SON!"
The son kicks him from the house and now he's homeless, the next day, a police officer asks him
-"Why are you here in this situation? last week you had a great family and a good job and a big house"
-"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house because i have never seen a penguin"
-"YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN? SIR YOU ARE UNDER ARREST! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to talk to a lawyer and have him present with you while you are being questioned. If you cannot afford to hire a lawyer, one will be appointed to represent you before any questioning, if you wish one"
The guy is sent to court to decide his sentence, the judge asks
-"Why are you here sir?"
-"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house and i got arrested because i have never seen a penguin"
The judge, in disbelief says -"HOW COME YOU NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN, YOU HAVE A LIFE SENTENCE NOW"
Now the guy, unemployed, divorced, homeless and with a life sentence goes to prison, in prison his cellmates ask him how he got in prison
-"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house, got arrested and got a life sentence because i have never seen a penguin"
His cellmates in rage ask him -"WHY YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN? WE'LL GIVE YOU A LESSON" then they lynch him and he dies.
In heaven, Saint Peter asks him -"How did you die?"
He replies -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house, got arrested, got a life sentence and got killed by my cellmates because i have never seen a penguin"
Saint Peter says "HOW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN?"
The guy goes to hell, there, the devil asks him -"Why are you here?"
The guy responds -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house, got arrested, got a life sentence, got killed by my cellmates, and go to hell because i have never seen a penguin"
-"HOW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN" says the devil, them the guy gets thrown into a bottomless pit, much later, he reaches the bottom, there is another guy down there named John and John asks him -"Why are you here"
The guy replies -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house, got arrested, got a life sentence, got killed by my cellmates, then go to hell, and then et thrown into this bottomless pit with a bottom"
-"Why" asks John
-"Because i have never seen a penguin"
-"Me neither".
#other
@Sickipedia
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly…
and for the same reason.
#roast
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