15217
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
At an international meeting of Brewing Companies three CEO's decided to share a drink before leaving.
As they reached the bar the CEO of Budweiser said he'd have the best beer in the world and ordered a bud.
The CEO of Whitbread begged to differ and said the best beer in the world is Trophy Bitter and he ordered one.
When it was the CEO of Guinness' turn he ordered a coke.
The other two CEOs were aghast and asked why he wasn't drinking a Guinness.
He replied as you two were ordering soft drinks I thought I'd join you.
#oldbutgold
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At his wedding, my buddy told me that I’m the worst best man he has ever seen.
I…was speechless.
#wordplay
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Why are balloons so expensive?
Inflation.
#wordplay
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Why is Dwayne Johnson the only man that can turn lesbians?
Because Rock beats scissors.
#wordplay
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I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.
My doctor says it’s terminal.
#wordplay
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When my wife is sad I let her color in my tattoos.
I give her a shoulder to crayon.
#wordplay
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The secret to making Congress more efficient is to replace all the people with horses.
Sure, every vote would end in “neighs,” but hay, at least the housing market would be stable.
#wordplay
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What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.
#wordplay
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They use gas lighting
#wordplay
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If a transformer adopted a human baby, what would the baby's name be?
Carson
#wordplay
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Sadly, my friend from Russia was divorcing his spouse. They were married in their home country long time ago.
I tried to console him by saying, “Not all Soviet Unions were meant to last!”
#wordpplay
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My wife asked me how my job was going at the battery factory.
I told her it has its pluses and minuses.
#wordplay
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My wife told our son not to play with electricity.
Now he’s grounded.
#wordplay
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What do you call a Urologist who is on social media?
A TikTok Dick Doc
#wordplay
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Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order a coffee and pull out sandwiches from their suitcases. An angry waitress approaches them, exclaiming "Excuse me, you can't eat your own food here!" The lawyers look at her, then at each other and exchange the sandwiches.
#other
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I took my girlfriend to see Disney on Ice and it sucked
It was just some old dead guy in a box
#other
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My Tinder bio says very honestly that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, that I drive a $500k vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel...
My dates are usually furious, though, when they discover I'm a bus driver.
#other
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Did you hear about the italian who broke both of his arms?
he couldn't talk for a whole month.
#other
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I like my women like I like a Boeing 737 MAX
More likely to go down on me
#sexandshit
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The prostitute put on her clothes and said…
“It was a business doing pleasure with you.”
#wordplay
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison
#oldbutgold
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Why was Heisenberg’s wife always sad?
Because when he had the position, he didn’t have the momentum, and when he had the momentum, he didn’t have the position.
#other
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What’s the difference between a casual dinner party and a pirate orgy?
In one you come as you are in the other you ARRRR as you cum.
#wordplay
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Last night I had to make the difficult decision on behalf of my wife to pull the plug.
Then she’s all like, “HEY! I wasn’t done with my bath!”
#wordplay
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I didn't know that Sylvester Stallone is on his third marriage...
I guess his first one was rocky, and his second was rocky too.
#wordplay
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An American, a Frenchman and a Russian bet who has the strongest alcohol.
An American, a Brit and a Russian bet who has the strongest alcohol. First goes the Frenchman, who takes a big gulp of his red wine. The other two men place a chair in front of him and ask the man "How many chairs do you see?" The drunk Frenchman responds "I see two chairs." Next goes the American. He takes a shot of whiskey and when asked about the chairs, he responds "I see 4!" And finally, when it's the Russian's turn, he without hesitation drinks a whole bottle of vodka. "So? Tell us, how many chairs are there?!" impatiently asks the Frenchman. "In which row?"
#russians
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You hear about the guy who masturbated to Jennifer Lawrence’s feet pics but he thought they were Jennifer Love Hewitt’s?
He got off on the wrong foot…
#wordplay
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A man walks into a gay bar..
Awhile later, he comes out
#wordplay
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The old church needed a fresh coat of paint
But money was tight in the budget, so the pastor figured he would save a few bucks by only buying about half the paint that was needed and thinning it out with turpentine to make it go farther. So he did this, and the next Saturday the entire congregation gathered to help paint the church.
They worked all day, from dawn til dusk, and when they were finished the church had a beautiful fresh coat of paint. But just as they were packing up to go home, storm clouds suddenly rolled in, and a torrential downpour began. The rain washed all of the thinned paint off the church's walls, undoing their whole day's work.
And a mighty voice boomed down from the heavens: "REPAINT... and thin no more!!"
#wordplay
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I found my wife’s Tinder profile and I am furious with all of her lies
She is NOT adventurous and fun to be around
#other
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