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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Want to hear a really pedantic joke?
Well technically you're just reading it.
#antijoke
@Sickipedia
I remember the first time I made love to my wife and I asked her: "Am I the first one?" She said:
"Why does everyone always ask me that?"
#other
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Why did Mike Tyson go to a Christian Plastic Surgeon?
To get a Faith Lift
#wordplay
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An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician join a study on scientists' ability to survive in the wild
All three are left in different part of a desert island overnight, each with a can of beans but no openers.
The researchers come back in the morning to check on the scientists.
The engineer is sleeping soundly, next to an open can. Once woken up, he explains: "Well tin cans aren't that strong, so I kept bashing this can against a rock many times, until it gave in and opened up".
The physicist is also sleeping soundly (albeit in an awkward position like all physicists do), next to a neatly opened can. He goes to explain:" You see, the tension forces created by the joints between the different sheets of metal making the can means that if you apply precise forces on a few pressure points, the can just plops open. You can do this without effort, even with your bare hands"
The researchers then move on to the mathematician. As they approach him, they see that the can is still intact, while the mathematician is lying next to it in a fetal position, shivering, and continuously repeating: "Let's assume the can is open. Let's assume the can is open..."
#other
@Sickipedia
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be eight again.” she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size!
#other
@Sickipedia
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.
#other
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A private investigator is contacted with a job offer, and asked to come to the penthouse suite of a skyscraper.
During the long elevator ride up, he can't help but wonder what the job is, and whether it's worth taking. When he finally arrives in the suite, he finds a well-dressed gentleman sitting at a desk, who explains: "There's this guy, see, and he never blinks. I want you to investigate him, find out who he is."
The detective, offended, replies "You brought me all the way here for some guy who doesn't blink? I'm not accepting the job, I'm leaving!"
The gentleman presses a button beneath his desk, smirks and says, "Ah, you can't leave. I've locked down the elevator, so you're not getting out unless you agree to investigate."
Defeated, the detective agrees: "Well, the elevator's locked down. I guess I have no choice but to take the stare case.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why do pediatricians get so mad?
They have little patience.
#wordplay
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Cop: Are you on drugs ?
Guy: Why would I sit on drugs ?
Cop: Have you taken any ?
Guy: Taken them where ?
Cop: I meant used drugs.
Guy: I prefer new.
#wordplay
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Obscure history/biology joke I couldn't get out of my head, so I had to post it somewhere:
"I've invited you all to this press conference to tell you that my experiments in Parthian-genesis have proven highly successful."
"Professor, you mean parthenogenesis, right? Like in asexual reproduction?"
"No, I didn't mean that at all. Why would you think that?"
"But..."
"Anyway, I also invited you to warn that Rome has better improve its defences pretty darn soon."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Two men, an American and a Russian were arguing. One said,
“in my country I can go to the white house walk to the president's office and pound the desk and say "Mr president! I don't like how you're running things in this country!"
"I can do that too!"
"Really?"
"Yes! I can go to the Kremlin, walk into the general secretary's office and pound the desk and say, Mr. secretary, I don't like how Reagan is running his country!"
#oldbutgold
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I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.
My doctor says it’s terminal.
#wordplay
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What kills people and has two butts?
An assassin.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
#other
@Sickipedia
What do you call a threesome, but it's you and the two people in the porn video?
A lonesome.
#wordplay
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I don't want to be xenophobic but...
It's always foreign DNA which is found at crime scenes.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Technically, the earth IS flat
It's not like the oceans are sparkling
#wordplay
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I used to be addicted to swimming
I'm happy to say that I have been dry for six months
#wordplay
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I confessed to my wife that I get aroused by my reflection in the mirror.
She told me not to be so hard on myself.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I added lunges into my workout routine.
I think it's a big step forward.
#wordplay
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Math teachers are lonely
They continuously ask their students to find their x
#wordplay
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What cheese is made backwards?
Edam
#wordplay
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Fighter: I must avenge my brother's death!
Bard: You can count on me!
Dwarf: You can count on me!
Necromancer: You can count on your brother!
#other
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What did salt say to pepper when their friends were running late?
Don’t worry, rosemary and sage are cumin. They will get here in due thyme.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What's a pdf file?
And why is my uncle accused of being one?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I just had a near sex experience.
It’s true. My wife flashed before my eyes.
#wordplay
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I recently broke up with my alien girlfriend
She’s now my Space Ex
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I was telling my German colleague about how my parents, who were living in Spain, kept having problems with eagles killing their chickens.
Me: yeah, these eagles come down out of the mountains, they steal the chickens right out of the pen!
Frank: an eagle!? AN EAGLE DOES THIS!?
Me: yes, they have eagles over there, mad isn't it?
Frank: AN EAGLE IS STEALING THE CHICKENS?
Me: errr, yeah, they're predators you know?
Frank: THEY ARE PREDATORS?
Me: yeah, and they fly down and kill the chickens and fly off with them
Frank: THEY FLY... wait, hang on... Oh.... I see... Err... In German, Igel is.. Errr...
(long, long pause)...
AH! IN GERMAN, EIN IGEL IS A HEDGEHOG!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I was on a plane with my dad when the pilot announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are 30,000 feet up in the air.”
Dad: I think he’s lying. There’s no way there are 15,000 people on this flight.
#wordplay
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I was annoyed when my wife gave me a coffin for my birthday.
I said, “this is the last thing that I need.“
#wordplay
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