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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
#wordplay
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First soldier: “Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?” Second soldier: “No way, Jose!”
First soldier: “Whyever not?” Second soldier: “It’s against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!”
#wordplay
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Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on!’
She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems.
"Hmm", said Mike. He thought that might be good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Jane, "Here try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jane took off her pants, and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Jane said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."
#other
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My wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
#oldbutgold
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A man goes in for a prostate exam...
The man takes off his pants and the proctologist goes, "I can't believe I'm about to say this, it's completely unprofessional, but I have to say... You must have the nicest ass I've seen in my entire life!"
The man timidly responds, "thank... you?"
Doc goes, "mind if I numb it a bit before the procedure?"
Man says, "uhh, okay?" The doctor takes a deep breath, leans in and goes, "num num num num num num."
#sexandshit
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If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that
I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
#other
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I asked my mom If I was an accident.
She said, "No, of course not. Your brother was the accident. You were a mistake".
#roast
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In english, they have a word that roughly translates to "i'm surrounded by water, but I'm still breathing" and i think that's beautiful.
Scuba.
#other
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At a man’s funeral, the widow asked if anyone would like to say a word.
The first person stands up and says, “Plethora.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That means a lot.”
The next person stands up and says, “Earth.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That means the world.”
The next person stands up and says, “Watering hole.”
A bit confused, the widow says, “I know you meant well.”
The next person stands up and says, “Totality.”
The widow says, “Thank you, that means everything.”
The next person stands up and says, “Dynamite.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That’s powerful stuff.”
The next person stands up and says, “Nostalgia.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That’s a loving memory.”
The next person stands up and says, “Embrace.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That’s touching.”
The next person stands up and says, “Measurement.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That means so much.”
The next person stands up and says, “Incomprehensible.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That means more than you can imagine.”
The next person stands up and says, “Bargain.”
The widow says, “Thank you. That means a great deal.”
The next person stands up and says, “Beer.”
The widow says, “Thank you. He would have loved that.”
#wordplay
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I fell asleep in church but got up when I heard the preacher say, "Stand up!" And when I did, the whole congregation burst into applause.
Then the preacher said, "Thank you, Kathleen! And who else loves God enough to donate $2,000?"
#other
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Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same day, but get messed up - the Pope goes to Hell and Clinton goes to Heaven.
Next day they swap places, and the Pope mentions "I am so excited, have always wished to see Virgin Mary", on which Bill comments "sorry pal, you are a day late".
#sexandshit
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What did the doctor say when the patient wanted to do their own stitches?
Suture self.
#wordplay
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Women tell me I’m like ‘The Beatles’ of lovemaking, because I’m half dead and only appealing to the elderly.
#other
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Life is full of complications, even when you’re born there’s a string attached.
#wordplay
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I met my recently divorced friend for a beer last week.
Obviously, I asked him how the divorce went.
"She got the best lawyers in the country, so I lost my kids, my house, my car and my dog," he said. "I have to pay half of my paycheck in child support and the other half in alimony. She gets most of my 401(k), and I even had to hand over my family's heirlooms. But I can't complain."
"Oh, so there's a bright side to all of this?"
"No, the settlement also says I can't complain."
#other
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I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken and met a girl dressed as an egg
An age old question was answered, the chicken
#other
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A couple just had their first son, the husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife half Chinese and half Italian both wanted to have their son's name reflecting their heritage. After much argument they decided on the name...
Ravi O'Lee.
#oldbutgold
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“May ya live as long as ya want, and not want for as long as ya live” is an Irish toast.
“Bread, cinnamon, eggs, and maple syrup” is a French toast.
#wordplay
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— Sooo, did Danny like his birthday presents?
— Not really.. he got excited and destroyed all the gifts with a hammer. RC car, electric train, the dollhouse, the wristwatch.. almost everything.
— Oh no!.. Did he destroy my present, too?
— No. Your fucking hammer is not damaged.
#other
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What happens when Bruce Willis overdoses on viagra?
He Dies Hard.
#wordplay
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My father owned a coal company, but mostly kept it to himself.
He mined his own business.
#wordplay
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What do you get when you rub two oranges together?
Pulp Friction.
#wordplay
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I always have sex with the lights on.
Because I get scared alone in the dark.
#sexandshit
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What do you call an Irish lesbian?
Gaelic.
#wordplay
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A man walks into the doctor's office with an apple in his ear and a banana up his butt.
Doc, I don't feel very good, says the man.
I see your problem right here, says the Doc. You're not eating properly.
#other
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I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
#other
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The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in one language is priceless.
#other
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Why can't a nose be 30 cm long?
Because then it'd be a foot
#wordplay
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I got thrown out of a Hindu temple for saying YOLO
#other
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I dated a dolphin for a while until she broke up with me.
We just weren’t clicking.
#wordplay
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