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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A man who owned a sausage factory was showing his arrogant asshole son around his factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer and look down his nose at everything.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."
The son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
#roast
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I'm a social vegetarian.
I don't like meat-ing people.
#wordplay
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Today I found out that there are breeds of fish with no eyes
Or rather, breeds of fsh
#wordplay
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My daughter came and asked me "what's gays?"
I said "they are men who love other men"
Then she asked "what's penetrating gays?"
"Uuuh can you read me the whole sentence?"
"He stared at me with a penetrating gaze"
#wordplay
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What is a little known fact about foot fetish guys?
They won't switch to the metric system
#wordplay
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Dave got called to the directors office...
"Dave we have to make some cutbacks, either Jack or Sarah has to be laid off"
"This is really hard" Dave says "Sarah is my best worker but Jack has 3 kids to support"
The director gives him a day to think about it.
Later that day he calls Sara to his office "Sarah I've got a real problem. I've got the either lay you or Jack off"
Sarah thinks for a moment "you should probably jack off. I'm on my period"
#wordplay
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Ben and Josh were playing Call of Duty when there parents came charging into the living room...
Dad shouts "You boys play that darn thing way too much, get your arses outside and play! I don't want to see you two until teatime"
He kicks the boys outside then turns to his wife. "Alone a last" he says unbuttoning his trousers. His wife gives a wicked smile and removes her top.
A few minutes later walking down the street Ben turns to Josh. "I can't believe we got kicked out of our own livestream"
"I know" says Josh looking at his phone. "But you should see the views we're getting".
#sexandshit
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Men should make coffee for their wives, according to the Bible.
Refer to Hebrews.
#wordplay
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me." she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right once I get to hospital." the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands between his legs. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered the most tender and artful massage for several long minutes until he exploded in his pants. She smiled shyly and asked, "How does that feel?". "Feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"
#sexandshit
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I asked my wife, “What’s a three letter word for eggs?”
Her: It’s ova.
Me: Why? Because I suck at crosswords?
#wordplay
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A man parks his car next to Congress, when a police officer says...
Politics
"Sir, you can't park here, there are politicians working inside." And the man replies, "Oh, it's okay. I locked the door."
#politics
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The president of the US is taking a tour of a hospital
On the first floor, they walk by a room where a man is masturbating furiously. The president says "oh my God! What is going on??" The tour guide explains "he has to do that 5 times a day. If he doesn't, he will die." The president says "oh my, feel so sorry for him! I will try to clear up some federal funds for people like him!"
They continue on to the second floor. They pass a room, and a nurse is giving a blowjob to a male patient. The president says "oh my! What's his problem?"
The tour guide says "he's got the same problem as the guy on floor one, but he's got better insurance."
#sexandshit
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A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle. The frog hops into the princess' lap and says,
"My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so." That night, as the princess dines on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckles to herself, "I don't f**kin' think so."
#sexism
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My wife said “what starts with F and ends with K..”
I said, no it doesn’t.
#wordplay
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What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
#wordplay
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What’s the worst thing to say in an elevator?
"It's a good thing they don't have metal detectors at the entrance".
#other
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On the first day of Trevor's freshman year in college, his English professor asked the students to state their names and one interesting fact about themselves.
Trevor said, "My brother and I know the definition of every single word in the English language."
A wave of laughter rolls through the auditorium. The professor raised her hands to the students. "Is that so?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am, absolute truth."
She wrote the word supercilious on the board. "OK, Trevor, what does this word mean?"
He looked at the board for a moment and said, "That's one that my brother knows."
#other
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A pregnant woman is in the hospital and she starts screaming, “Couldn’t, wouldn’t, don’t, won’t!” The nurse asked the doctor, “Is she losing her mind?”
The doctor replied, "No, those are just contractions."
#wordplay
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"How did you find the steak?" the waiter asked
I said "it was super easy, it was right next to the potatoes."
#wordplay
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Why can’t a leopard hide?
Because he’s always spotted.
#wordplay
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They tried to kick me out of my yoga class the other day...
But I just told them "Nah'm'a stay."
#wordplay
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A an army Colonel is newly assigned command of a unit. On his first day, he walks by a park bench with an armed private standing guard next to it.
The Colonel asks, "son, why are you standing guard by this bench?"
"I wouldn't know, sir," answers the Private. "The Sergeant assigned a guard duty for it, and today is my shift."
So the Colonel goes and finds the Sergeant, and asks him, "Sergeant, why do you have a private guarding the park bench?"
"Captain's orders, sir," answers the Sergeant. "I have been ordered to assign a guard detail around that bench, so each day a different private stands guard."
Intrigued, the Colonel visits the company HQ and asks for the Captain. "Captain, why did you assign a guard duty to the park bench?"
"Sir," answers the Captain, "this has been a standing order by your retired predecessor, ever since he took command of this unit six years ago. All I know is that on his very first day, he walked past that bench, briefly rested on it, and then, as soon as he reached HQ, his first order was to ensure that bench remains unused. We had armed guards posted to it ever since. Shall the guard be removed, sir?"
"No," answers the Colonel, "keep the guard until we find the reason for it, it could be important."
After two months on the job, the Colonel took some leave, and travelled to the retirement home where his predecessor, now an old, crusty retired General, spends his days. "General," asks the Colonel, "do you remember why there is an armed guard assigned to the park bench where you sat six years ago, on the first day of your assignment to the unit I'm now in command of?"
The General stands dumbfounded for a moment, then asks, "YOU MEAN THE PAINT STILL HASN'T DRIED?"
#other
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Guy walks to a fridge and notices a note pinned with a little magnet saying "Sorry, Tim, but I'm leaving you. You are incredibly stupid".
The guy exclaims "Where the fuck do you think you are going!" and yanks the fridge's plug out.
#other
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If someone found a bug in his bed and named it a bedbug
Then who the hell named a cockroach?
#wordplay
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A husband and wife are awoken at 3 AM by a loud pounding on the door.
The husband looks out the bedroom window through the pouring rain, and sees a car he does not recognize parked on the street out front. He gets up to answer the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the rain, asks for a push.
"Not a chance!" says the husband, "Do you have any idea what time it is? Get lost!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asks his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he grumbles.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"Absolutely not. It's 3 AM and pouring rain outside. I told him to get lost."
His wife retorts, "Don't you remember about 3 months ago when we broke down and those two guys stopped to help us? That man needs your help and you just left him out there? You should be ashamed of yourself. Go and help him!"
"Fine." the husband mutters. He reluctantly gets dressed, goes downstairs and heads out into the pouring rain.
"Hello? Are you still there?" he calls out into the dark.
"Yes!" a voice calls back.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
The drunk replies, "Over here on the swing set!"
#oldbutgold
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Algebra is like divorce.
You look at your "X" and wonder "Y".
#wordplay
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For his 90th birthday, an old man's friends ordered him a prostitute.
She went to his house and knocked on the door. When he went to open it, she coyly said, "Hi, Birthday Boy! Your friends called and asked me to come over for some super sex!"
The 90 year old replied, "At my age, I think I'd like the soup."
#wordplay
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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
#wordplay
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Chuck Norris can make a Jewish mother feel guilty.
#oldbutgold
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I went on a trip to Australia. The immigration officer asked "Do you have a criminal record?"
Shocked, I responded "Is that still a requirement?"
#oldbutgold
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