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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A Redneck bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Redneck baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.
A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the proud father of an amazing Redneck baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds." The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?" The father drank the bottle of whisky at one go, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."
#sexandshit
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Why was Dracula a bad CEO?
He was always fighting with the stakeholders!
#wordplay
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David had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out David's Last Will and Testament.
To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and two million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Lexus, the new Jaguar and $250,000.
To my daughter Shriley I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my little brother Aaron, who never worked a day in his life, was always asking me for money and always said I would forget him in my will... Hello Aaron.
#other
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I’ve found an entry level job where you start with 4000 people beneath you
Of course working at a graveyard isn’t for everyone
#other
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Guy goes into a brothel and says to the Madame, "I want something kinky!"
So she takes him to a room with a bare wood floor, and a tiny light bulb hanging on a string. In the middle is a milk crate with a chicken sitting on it.
Guy says, "Are you serious?"
Madame says, "You've already paid. I don't care what you do. Take it or leave it.
So he decides to go for it. He has a great time. The bird is clucking, flapping its wings, flailing its legs and the guy is loving it.
He goes back a few days later and asks for the same.
Madame says, "That room is booked solid today, but I have something else you'll like."
She takes him to a room where there's a bunch of people sitting around a two way mirror. On the other side of it is a huge lesbian orgy, with whips, chains, shaving cream and toys everywhere.
Guy sits down and says, "Wow this is amazing!"
Old man next to him replies, "You think this is amazing? Last week there was a guy in there fucking a chicken!"
#oldbutgold
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I tried doing 100 sit-ups but I didn’t finish.
My stomach couldn’t handle that kind of ab use.
#wordplay
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Chuck Norris has a bear skin rug in his house.
The bear isn't dead, it's just too afraid to move.
#oldbutgold
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"Did the doctor stop in to see you yet?" the Nurse asked the patient who had been waiting in an exam room.
"Yeah, but it was really strange. He came into the room with a woman, said something about having to go defeat the Daleks, then they hopped in a phone box, and dissapeared.
"Oh, geeze, so sorry, looks like they sent in the wrong Doctor again!" She sighed and then got on the pager system and said:
"Doctor Hu, Doctor Hu, you're needed in the exam room."
#wordplay
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How do you figure out how heavy a bag of Red Hot Chilli Peppers are?
Give it a weigh, Give it a weigh, Give it a weigh now!
#wordplay
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My wife tells me I have no sense of direction
I have no idea where that came from
#wordplay
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What’s the favorite band at the Alzheimer’s home?
The who?
#wordplay
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I saw a woman reading 50 shades of grey on the train today...
"At least you don't have to lick your fingers to turn the pages" I said with a smile.
"You disgusting man!" she screamed and stormed off down the carriage.
Are all Kindle readers that miserable or what?
#sexandshit
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In the age of AI, dating a model is not a brag anymore
#wordplay
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God then says to them "In front of you there is staircase of exactly a thousand steps. Every time you take a step up, I will tell you a joke. If you make it all the way to the top without laughing, you will be allowed into heaven. If you laugh at one of my jokes, you will be doomed to spend eternity in Hell."
The brunette goes first. She makes it the the 250th step, and laughs. God then sends her to Hell. The redhead goes next. She makes it to the 500th step and laughs. God sends her to Hell as well. The blonde goes last. She makes it to the 999th step, and laughs. God then asks her, "you were so close to the top, why did you laugh?" The blonde responds "I just got the first one."
#other
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Wife: What the actual fuck!? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.
Wife: And when does that part start?
Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
#sexandshit
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How do you know apple is run my men?
The iPhone 6+ is only 5.5 inches.
#sexism
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I was waiting in line at the bank today.
There was a lady in front of me, of Asian descent,, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. She seemed just a little bit pissed off. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get three hundred dollar of yen. Today I only get two hundred fifty ? Why it change?"
The teller nonchalantly replied, "Fluctuations." to which the Asian lady replied, "Fluc you white people too!"
#wordplay
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My daughter asked why I drink so much beer.
I told her it's because I actually have a condition that's pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol.
#other
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As the old lady is walking, out of one of the bags there is a hole and every so often a $20 bill falls out. After a while a police officer sees this and approached the lady to tell her that money is falling out of one of the bags. The old lady, thankful for the kindness of the police man, starts praising him for his good deed as she starts walking back gathering as many bills as she can.
The police officer, whilst helping her out, asks the old lady, "Hold on, where have you gotten all this money from? You didn't steal it did you?".
The old lady replies, "no no, of course not. My house is next to the sports stadium and bar, so every day when there is a sports game, after a while in the evening people come and relieve themselves on my flowerbeds, making a mess everywhere. So what i do is i hide behind the flowers with my hedge trimmers and whenever someone comes to piss on the flowers i tell them "give me a $20 or I'll snip it!', and thats where i got the money from.".
The police officer, amused, congratulates the old lady on her idea but asks "so what's in the other bag then?",
#oldbutgold
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My friends always make fun of me for rambling about logical operators.
They better not do it again, or else!
#wordplay
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The wife is in labor and screaming in pain. The husband is holding her hand.
Husband: I’m very sorry you are going through this pain. Wife: Don’t worry about it, it’s not your fault.
#other
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Why don't Americans like the Metric System?
Because they rejected a foreign ruler!
#wordplay
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A man accidentally wires $500,000 to the wrong account
He calls his bank manager for a reversal, but the manager says, "For that amount of money the dispute process would be very time-consuming. For a quicker solution you would be better off contacting the recipient to send the money back."
The man figures the chances of someone simply sending back $500,000 upon request are very slim, so instead the man comes up with an idea. He gets the account owner's number from the bank manager and sends them a text message. The message reads:
Hello, dark and worthy recruit. I believe you have received the $500,000 wired to you. It's for your initiation into the Eternal Brotherhood of the Dark Underworld. Our meeting is scheduled to take place tomorrow at 12 midnight. A week after your initiation, your siblings and parents will die. This will unlock the wealth and riches awaiting you after we conquer this world. But in case you're not ready to join, please send back the $500,000 immediately and you will be taken off our list of recruits.
About 30 minutes later, he gets a response back:
Please send another $1 million. My two friends are interested.
#other
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What do you call a bear that does karate?
Grizz Lee.
#wordplay
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A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."
#other
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I asked my girlfriend to explain the broken condom in our bedroom
She said “For the last time, his name is Paul and he’s your son”
#sexandshit
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Sugar is the only word where ‘su’ makes a ‘sh’ sound.
At least, I’m pretty sure that’s right.
#other
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Ivan Pavlov walks into a bar
after a rough day and sits down for a few drinks and after a couple drinks, the bar phone rings, he gets up and yells "Shit! I forgot to feed the dogs!"
#other
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The Irishman replied, "These are Carol's"
#wordplay
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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"
#sexandshit
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