15217
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
In 3,026 years, life will either be fantastic or really bad.
It's 5050.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"
"Your parents when you move out."
#other
@Sickipedia
Did you hear about the man who only paid 5 cents for a prosthetic eye?
His name was Nikolai
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I was talking to a woman in a bar and felt like things were going well so I ordered another round. She said “before we go any further I need to ask, what kind of date are you? I tried to be clever and said “I m the kind of date that doesn’t mind helping with the breakfast dishes.” She said “I’ve ask that more times than I care to admit and that’s the best answer ever. Let’s go to my apartment.” Check please. We got there, walk in, she says “the kitchen is right this way, you wash, I’ll dry.”
#other
@Sickipedia
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor on the first day at work.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
If at first you don’t succeed
Then skydiving probably isn’t for you
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Premature ejaculation has its benefits:
By the time my wife tells me she has a headache
I'm already lighting up a cigarette
#sexandshit
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When I found out there were women in the military, I told the recruiter “I can’t take orders from girls!”
“...because they don’t talk to me!”
#other
@Sickipedia
Four middle-aged Jewish women are having lunch in a restaurant.
Midway through the meal the waiter comes to their table and says, "Ladies, is anything all right?"
#other
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A man loses three fingers in an accident. At the hospital, he asks the doctor; Will I be able to drive with this hand?"
Doctor: Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Newton, Darwin, and a modern Scientist go to heaven.
God is standing at the gate.
"Your research will determine whether you may enter heaven."
Newton is up first.
He shows God "Principia".
God smiles reading Newton's description of gravity.
God shakes his hand and opens the gate for him.
Next up is Darwin.
He shows God "Origin of Species".
God says "You nailed it!"
He lets him in.
Finally, the modern Scientist is up.
God asks to see his work.
"Sorry", he says.
"It's paywalled."
#other
@Sickipedia
I asked my boss, “Can I get two weeks off in December?”
Boss: It’s May.
Me: Sorry. May I get two weeks off in December?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
You can't change a conservative's mind on abortion by convincing them a fetus is not a person.
Try convincing them a fetus is an undocumented person living in their country instead.
#politics
@Sickipedia
A man goes to a neighboring village to buy a mattress.
He buys the mattress for 200, lays it on his bike and start the long walk back home.
As soon as he enters his village, he runs into an acquaintance..
"What's up" says the acquaintance..
"Went to the other village to buy a mattress"..
"How much did you buy it for?"
"200"
"Man, you got screwed..I bought a better quality mattress for 175 the other day"...
The man is a little pissed but walks on...and then runs into another acquaintance, and similar conversation follows but this time the guys says..
"Man you got screwed, I bought a better quality mattress for 150 the other day"..
The guys keeps walking, meeting people, everyone telling him how he got screwed, the last one telling him that he got a better quality mattress for 75 + two pillows thrown in...
The guy is massively pissed and as he gets close to his house, he runs into his neighbor..
Neighbor: "What's up?"
At this point, the guy has no patience left and says
"I went to the other village to get screwed"..
Neighbor: "And you took your own mattress too?"
#other
@Sickipedia
Where do pirates like to shop?
At the secondhand store.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What do the movies “The Sixth Sense” and Titanic have in common?
Icy dead people
#oldbutgoold
@Sickipedia
My wife was pissed at me for having an Only fan’s subscription
I dunno know why, she said I needed to be more supportive of our daughter
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills. She said “you’re an 8 on a scale of 10”.
I have no idea why she would want me to urinate on a skeleton.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My dog swallowed my credit card and had to be put down
I don’t know what’s worse. Losing my best friend, or having to tap and pay with a dead dog.
#other
@Sickipedia
I don’t know all the details about military ranks
but I have the general idea.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in Earth's history.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My mate said he’s slept with 2 Brazilian women.
I said “wow that’s a lot!!”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A Doctor and two Lawyers are on a train ride.
The doctor gets comfortable, takes off his shoes and decides he is thirsty and is going to take a trip to the snack car. He asks the lawyers,
“Hey I am going to go get a Coke, do either of you want one?”
One lawyer shakes his head, no. The other lawyer says, “Sure, grab me one, thanks!”
So the doctor walks off to the snack car and while he is gone, the lawyer that asked for the coke says to the other lawyer “watch this” And spits a huge loogie into one of the Doctor’s shoes.
The other lawyer finds this hilarious and upon the doctor returning decides that he now would like a coke. He asks “Hey Doc, you know a Coke sounds, nice, could you grab me one too?”
The Doctor replies, “of course!” heads back to the snack car and while there, the second lawyer spits a huge loogie into the Doctor’s other shoe.
Once the Doctor returns with the second Coke, he gives it to the other lawyer and then decides he is going to get some sleep, still with his shoes off, the Doctor lays his head back and passes out for an hour or so…
Finally, after the Doctor wakes up to the sound of the train arriving at his station, he puts on his shoes, the Lawyers burst out laughing and the Doctor immediately realizes what has happened and exclaims to the Lawyers,
“You know guys, this is petty! The feud between our two professions needs to stop! It’s getting out of hand, you know, the spit in the shoes, the dick in the Cokes!”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I plotted all of my past relationships on a graph.
It has an “ex” axis and a “why” axis.
#other
@Sickipedia
A hotel guest walks into the rooftop bar...
He tell the bartender, "I bet you a $100 bar tab I can jump off that balcony and be totally fine!"
"Sure, whatever," says the bartender.
The man gets a running start and leaps off the balcony. A few minutes later he comes running back into the bar soaking wet and laughing.
"The hotel pool is under that balcony," he laughs. "You owe me $100 in drinks!"
A week later, the same guy comes into the bar and tells the bartender the exact same thing.
"I bet you a $100 bar tab I can jump off that balcony and be totally fine!"
"Sure, whatever," says the bartender.
The man gets a running start and leaps off the balcony.
Another man sitting at the bar turns to the bartender. "Hey," he says, "Don't you remember that guy from last week? I can't believe you fell for that trick again!"
The bartender says, "And I can't believe that guy didn't notice they've drained the pool for cleaning."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
The bartender looks at them and points to a sign, labeled: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks the gentlemen to leave. They reluctantly get up and leave before any discussion between them occurs.
The next day, a horse walks in to this same bar. Once again, the bartender points to the sign: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE". With a long face, the horse gets up from his bar stool and leaves the building.
The day after that, a chicken walks in to the bar. The bartender approaches the chicken as it sits down. He once again points to the sign and says, "I am sorry, but we don't allow jokes to be served here."
"Fine!" says the chicken, clucking with disapproval. "But can you at least tell me where else can I get a drink around here?"
The bartender replies, "yeah, there's another bar across the road."
#other
@Sickipedia
What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A guy with no balls gets employed.
A guy gets employed by a company, the company's eorking time is 9-5 but because the guy has no balls they tell him to come at 11 because they just play with their balls till 11. 2 hours after the interview he gets a call sayingthat he needs to attend at 9, puzzled he asks why? The HR guy tells him that they got someone employed that has no hands.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
#politics
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