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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
My daughter accused me of telling dad jokes.
Nothing could be father from the truth.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man walks into a bar carrying a heavy suitcase.
He sets the suitcase down and sits at the bar to catch his breath. He checks the time on his watch, then motions to the bartender and orders a water.
"Sure thing." says the bartender. As he's pouring the water, he notices the man's watch and says "Wow, that's a fancy watch you got there."
"Oh this?" the man replies, "It's packed with a bunch of cool technology. Not only can I search the web and make phone calls on it, but the coolest part is I can download movies on it. Plus it has a built-in 4K projector that will project the movie onto any flat surface, so you can watch any movie you want, wherever you want."
"Wow! That's amazing," the bartender says as he places the water in front of the man. "I bet it cost you a fortune."
The man takes a sip and replies, "It was $100."
"$100?!" the bartender exclaims, "You're joking. I would've guessed way more than that."
"No, in fact I'll sell it to you right now for $20 if you want."
"Done!" the bartender says excitedly, handing the man $20 without hesitation. The man gives the watch to the bartender who immediately puts it on and starts fiddling around with it on his wrist.
The man finishes the water, thanks the bartender, and turns to leave. As he's about to walk out the door, the bartender calls out, "Wait sir, you forgot your suitcase!"
The man replies, "Suitcase...? Oh! No, you'll need that. That's the battery."
#other
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My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
#wordplay
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A buddhist monk was looking for his master. After searching for a while, he found him meditating on the other side of the river.
The monk asked: "MASTER! CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
The master replied: "I CAN! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"
The monk asked: "HOW CAN I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER?"
"YOU ARE ALREADY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER!"
#other
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I was pulled over by the police he said “papers” so I said “scissors! I win!” Then sped off. He must want a rematch he’s been chasing me for half an hour!
#oldbutgold
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What do you call a super hero with no sense of direction?
Wander Woman
#wordplay
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A man goes on an extended vacation and leaves his cat with his brother for safe-keeping. When he arrives at his destination and settles in, he gives his brother a call and asks: "how's the cat?"
"The cat is dead." Replies the brother.
"How could you be so insensitive!" Says the man. "I just arrived at my resort and you tell me my cat is dead! You could have told me 'everything is fine'. and I would have been unaware. A few days later I would have called and you could have said: 'we've had an incident and the cat is on the roof, but we're sure things will be alright.' and I would have been concerned but not alarmed. A few days after that when I checked in you could have said: 'We got the cat down and he's had a minor injury and he is at the vet but it's nothing to worry about.' And I would have been concerned, but it wouldn't have ruined the rest of my trip. Then right before I'm about to come home and I checked in you could have told me: 'the cat has taken a turn for the worse but the vet is still optimistic.' Then I would have been prepared.' Do you see what I mean?"
The brother replies: "I'm so sorry. I hadn't thought of it like that. I'll try to be more considerate in the future."
The man says: "It's ok. I loved that cat but I think I'll be ok. So how's Mom?"
"She's on the roof."
#oldbutgold
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A man was mending his roof, when suddenly an elderly messy man showed up on his lawn, yelling to him "Sir, would you get down please".
The man, not wanting to have to climb down and up the ladder again, yelled back, "What's the matter, sir?"
The old man replied, "Just get down here first!" The man thought for a second, and being the polite man he is, climbed down the ladder.
The old guy, "Can you please spare me some money?"
The man, after thinking for some moment, said, "Come with me."
He climbed up the ladder, with the old man following him. When both of them were already up on the roof, the man said to the old man, "No."
#other
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I like my coffee like my women
Secretly alcoholic.
#wordplay
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My German friend dropped me off at the airport and said: "Gute Fahrt!"
I replied: "I don't smell anything, must have been you. Thanks for the ride!"
#wordplay
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What exam do 100% of women fail?
A prostate exam.
#wordplay
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One day, 50 politicians were flying across the country in an airplane when
the plane started to experience mechanical problems. The plane crashed in a remote rural area. It took an hour for the first police car to arrive at the scene.
There was an old farmer was sitting on his tractor beside the wreckage. The police man got out of his car and looked inside the smashed fuselage. To his surprise, it was completely empty. He asked the farmer, "Where are all of the politicians who were on the plane?"
The farmer replied, "I dug a big hole with my tractor and buried them."
The police man asked, "How could you be sure they were all dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them insisted they were still alive, but you know, you can never believe anything a politician says."
#oldbutgold
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It's a known fact that girls mature faster than boys:
Girls get boobs around 13 years of age, and boy don't get boobs until about 40.
#other
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One day, the US military decided to take a poll to see how the different branches handle a specific situation, in this case a scorpion in a service member's tent. One representative from each major branch is selected, and each answers privately.
The question was a simple one: "There is a scorpion in your tent. What do you do?"
Army: "I would crush it with my boot and throw it outside."
Navy: "I would pick it up by the tail and throw it outside."
Marines: "I'd bite its head off before cooking and eating it."
Air Force: "I'd call down to the front desk and ask why there's a tent in my hotel room."
#other
@Sickipedia
Vladimir Putin was visiting an elementary school in Russia.
After Putin explained to the kids how Russia is the most glorious and best nation in the world, he asked if any of the children had any questions.
Suddenly, Aleksandr put his hand up.
“Yes?” Putin said, as he pointed at Aleksandr.
“Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union and why are trying to take Crimea?” Aleksandr asked.
“Well, the correct reason we are invading Ukraine is…” before Putin could finish his sentence, the bell rang, and all the children rushed out the classroom to have lunch. However, the children were also confused, as the bell wasn’t supposed to go this early. The lunch break seemed much longer than usual to many children.
When the bell rang again and the children got back into the classroom, Putin and the teacher were waiting there.
“Any more questions?” Putin asked.
Damien shot his hand up almost immediately.
“Yes, Damien?” Putin said, pointing at Damien.
“Well, I have four questions.” Damien said.
“Go ahead and ask them.” Putin replied.
“Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union? Why do you want to take Crimea? Why did the bell for lunch ring 20 minutes early? And where is Aleksandr?”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
This year my son receives his doctorate degree in creative writing and I'm planning on buying him a car.
Because we're pretty sure he's going to become an Uber driver. Gotta prepare him for his future.
#other
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I said to my wife, “For the last 15 years, all you’ve done is find mistakes in anything I say.”
She said, “16 years.”
#other
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So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
#wordplay
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Best Name For a Boat
The Unsinkable II.
#other
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So my friend got a job as a porn star the other day.
His first time doing that. The director comes up to him and says “so for this scene, you're going to be doing missionary sex with that young lady over there”.
My friend, kind of awkward, he says “Ok, so is there any kissing or foreplay, or anything... a blowjob, maybe?" The director says “no, no, since this is your first day on the job, we wanted to start you off in an Entry Level Position”.
#wordplay
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Three men travel to Turkey...
but when they arrive at the airport the customs officer tells them that, in order to improve the country's gene pool, they only allow groups of men to enter the country if the combined length of their penises is at least 100 cm. So the first man gets undressed to take the measurement. The officers measure his penis is 50 centimeters long. The second man does the same. His penis is 49 centimeters long. Then the third man gets undressed. His penis is just barely 1 centimeter long. So although it's not by a great margin, the combined length of their penises is at least 100 cm, so the officers let the 3 men into the country.
Later the three men are discussing what happened at the airport. The first man says 'We are lucky I have such a long penis, otherwise we would never have made it to 1 meter'. The second man says 'Mine may not be as long as yours, but we're lucky that it's still pretty long'. The third man says 'We were pretty lucky that I had a boner'.
#sexandshit
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Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They're calling it the Apollo G.
#wordplay
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When my boss came into the IT department and saw me using two keyboards at once, he said "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once".
"Hey!" I said. "That's stereotyping.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A recently divorced man sits down at a bar...
He glumly orders a drink, and notices a woman sitting at the end of the bar. The man figures he's divorced now, might as well get back into the game, so he walks over and starts chatting.
"What's a beautiful woman like you doing sitting in a bar drinking by themselves?"
"Oh, I don't want to talk about it, I just got divorced and it's been hard. I really loved him, we're just too different for it to work."
"What a coincidence," the man replies, "I'm also recently divorced, and I loved her as well. We were just too different for it to work. Why didn't it work out with your husband?"
"Well, it's a little embarrassing, but I've had a couple drinks, so why not. I was too kinky in bed, and it just freaked him out. Even though I loved him dearly, we just didn't click sexually, so we had to let each other go."
The man is astonished. "You'll never believe this, but my wife and I divorced for the same reason! I was just too freaky for her taste, and we couldn't make it work."
The two continue to chat, and it's obvious that there is a lot of chemistry. They finish their drinks, and the woman invites the man back to her apartment.
"Make yourself at home, while I slip into something a little more....uncomfortable."
The man hangs up his hat and coat and sits down on her couch while the woman goes to the bedroom. She puts on her tightest leather teddy, opens her bag of toys and selects a particularly domineering 11" dildo, a long feather, a pair of handcuffs, a riding crop, a pair of nipple clamps, and a latex balaclava.
Excitedly, she walks back to the living room, only to see the man putting on his hat and coat, making ready to leave.
"Wait a minute!", she exclaims. "Where are you going? I thought we were about to have some amazingly kinky sex?"
The man replies, "Well, I already fucked your cat and took a shit in your purse....I think I'm good here."
#sexandshit
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What do you call it when people avoid a pandemic by coding at home?
Nerd immunity!
#wordplay
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Drunk guy walking the streets goes up to a cop.
He says “Hey man, someone stole my car”
Cop asks “well where did you last see it?”
Guy staggeredly holds up his keys and says “on the end of these here keys”
Cop says “well I dunno, sounds like you’re gonna have to go downtown to the precinct and file a report”
Drunk guy starts walking away towards the precinct, and the cop hollers, “Before you go downtown, you may wanna zip up your fly!”
Guy looks down at his fly and moans “awe man, they got my girl too..”
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Once there was a farmer who was very protective of his three daughters.
One day, the three daughters told the farmer that they were all going on a date. So, the farmer, being the protective father he was, grabbed his shotgun and walked outside. Suddenly, a car pulled in, and a man stepped out it. He went up to the farmer and said:
“Hello, my name is Freddy, I am here for Betty. We’re going for spaghetti. Is she ready?”
The farmer called for Betty, the first daughter, and she came. The man and Betty then got into the car and drove off. About 30 seconds later, the second car pulled in. Another man stepped out of it and went up to the farmer.
“Hello, my name is Joe. I am here for Flo. Is she good to go?”
The farmer called for Flo, the second daughter, and the man lead her into the car and then went inside the car as well. They drove off.
Another 30 seconds passed, and the third and final car pulled in. A man stepped out it and approached the farmer.
“Hello, my name is Chuck, I am here for-“ The farmer shot him.
#wordplay
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My wife is 9 months pregnant with our first child and is due to pop any day now. My parents came out to visit us and to help with the baby when it arrives. I was sitting on the back porch with my father talking, and he said.
"Son, you're going to be a father yourself soon. I'm very proud of you, and I think you're ready for this.*
With that, he gave me a very old book, richly bound, with the title in gold letters reading "1001 Dad Jokes."
My eyes filled with tears of love. "Dad." I said, around the lump that had suddenly risen in my throat, "I'm honored." My father smiled at me and said,
"HI HONORED, I'M DAD."
#other
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A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”
“Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
“But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
“Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
“Oh, okay!”
#other
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At an international meeting of Brewing Companies three CEO's decided to share a drink before leaving.
As they reached the bar the CEO of Budweiser said he'd have the best beer in the world and ordered a bud.
The CEO of Whitbread begged to differ and said the best beer in the world is Trophy Bitter and he ordered one.
When it was the CEO of Guinness' turn he ordered a coke.
The other two CEOs were aghast and asked why he wasn't drinking a Guinness.
He replied as you two were ordering soft drinks I thought I'd join you.
#oldbutgold
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