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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A guy wakes up with a massive hangover and stumbles into the kitchen, where he finds his wife.
“Hey, honey, did you upgrade the bathroom?” he asks.
“Why do you ask?” she replies, curious.
“Well, I opened the bathroom door, the light turned on by itself, and a cool breeze blew right into my face! It was amazing!”
His wife glares at him and says, “So you’re the idiot who pissed in the fridge last night!”
#other
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With great power comes a huge electric bill.
#wordplay
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My Grandma just discovered Kanye West and she loves him.
She's so excited. And I told her "look. I get it. He makes amazing music and he's really talented. But he's said a lot of bad things about black people and some horrible things about Jews." And she replied "Wait. He makes music? "
#other
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"What actually is ghee?" I asked my Indian friend.
"It's butter," he clarified.
#wordplay
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What did one frog say to the other frog?
Time’s fun when you’re having flies!
#wordplay
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I was flirting with the most gorgeous woman at the bar last night. At one point I told her “Believe it or not, I have the most famous last name in all of Ireland.”
She smiled and replied, “Oh really?” And I’m like “how did you know?!”
#wordplay
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Hi, I'm a termite and my name is Clint.
Clint Eatswood.
#wordplay
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My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now
#other
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I’ve been told that icy is the easiest word to spell. Now that I’m looking at it…
I see why
#wordplay
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Most guys have a fantasy of having sex with 2 women at once...
I have fantasy's of having sex with 1 woman twice.
#other
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There are many deaths caused by alcohol, but that's fine ...
... because the number of pregnancies caused by alcohol outweighs the deaths.
#other
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If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books,
it spells out a secret message…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
#wordplay
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My wife: "Are you drinking again?!"
Me: "No, it's just tea"
Wife: "Oh yeah?! What kind of tea?"
Me: "Tea... quila"
#wordplay
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Do you know the difference between orphans and apples?
Apple gets picked.
#other
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So a Termite walks into a bar and asks
"Is the bar tender here?"
#wordplay
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Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
#wordplay
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I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It's an oughtobiography.
#wordplay
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Recently my Girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back
And I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
#wordplay
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Two women friends run into each other on the street…
1: “Omg, it’s so good to see you! How have you been?”
2: “Not too bad. Just feeling a little bit under the weather.”
1: “What’s wrong?”
2: “Oh, it’s nothing really, just a sore throat.”
1: “You know, I actually have a trick for that. Whenever I have a sore throat, I go to my husband, and perform a bl*wjob on him. And I go down on him hard. It really does help. You should definitely try that.”
2: “I will. Thanks for the tip!”
They say goodbyes, and go their separate ways.
The very next day they run into each other again…
1: “How is your throat?”
2: “I gotta tell you, your advice actually helped. But your husband was very surprised when I showed up, and told him that you were okay with it."
#sexandshit
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My husband told me: "You are the kind of woman they write books about".
Turns out it's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition.
#other
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A friend of mine traded his car in for a phone.
Now he's got Nokia.
#wordplay
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My brother named his son after our father which I wanted to do so, I changed my name to my brothers name.
Now we're Evan.
#wordplay
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All i do is crush cans all day
It's sodapressing
#wordplay
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My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
#wordplay
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When the staff won’t let me on the airplane, my instinct is to become violent. Please don't judge me for it.
We all have a fight or flight response.
#wordplay
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In England, what is the most commonly used letter?
‘N’ - it appears twice.
#wordplay
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I asked my wife what she wants for our anniversary, she said "a divorce."
I said, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
#boomerhumor
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What do you call a man married to 4 musician wives?
Has band
#wordplay
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"You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the world will get $100,000. Are you taking it?"
Me: "Of course! Why wouldn't I want $150,000?"
#oldbutgold
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Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a glass of h two o". The second says "I'll have a glass of h two o too".
Walks into a bar
They both get a glass of water because the bartender isn't a moron, and anyway what kind of bar even keeps hydrogen peroxide let alone sell it by the glass?
#other
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