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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Today, my optometrist told me that my prescription had worsened significantly.
I did not see that coming.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What game do most of us play during working hours?
Call Of Duty
#wordplay
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Did you hear uber have a new food delivery service via catapult?
Uber yeets
#wordplay
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My religious girlfriend keeps going on about how God is everywhere. But one day I caught her out.
During some energetic sex I accidently thrust into the wrong hole causing her to scream out
“Oh GOD not in there”.
#wordplay
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Strong people don't put others down.
They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
#other
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The Englishman says “I will die for honor.”
The Frenchman says “I will die for liberty.”
The Spaniard says “I will die for God.”
The Russian says “I will die.”
#russians
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Me: "I am so tired of this workout."
Trainer: "that was the tour of the gym”
#other
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Shrek was cursed by an evil witch...
The curse forced him to be unable to speak without singing.
Unsure of what to do, Shrek visited Juan the Wizard in the neighboring swamp. Juan told Shrek he'd need to make a potion from toadstools, eye of newt, and the bones of the freshly deceased.
Shrek said he could handle the toadstools and eye of newt but he refused to kill an innocent person to solve his problem.
Juan understood and said that for a modest fee he would break into the nearby morgue and steal one for him. Shrek agreed.
The following day Juan the Wizard delivered as promised. After he left, Shrek began to prepare the potion in a large cauldron. Just as he was about to add the cadaver, Donkey burst through the door.
Mortified, he screamed, "Shrek! What the hell is that?"
Shrek turned and sang, "Some body Juan stole me."
#wordplay
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Doctor: Your wife is in hospital.
Husband: How is she?
Doctor: She's critical!
Husband: Yeah you get used to that.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Two old men are sitting in a bar.
One of them looks at the other & says
“You look familiar… where you from?”
The second old man replies “Ireland”
The first old man looks astonished & says
” No way I’m from Ireland myself, what a small world!”
The second old man then looks at the first “What city?”
The first old man says “Dublin?”
The second old man looks astonished
“No way I’m from Dublin meself! What a small world.”
The first man looks at the second old man “What school you go to?”
The second old man replies
“Saint Mary’s class of 89”
The first old man is absolutely baffled
” NO WAY Saint Mary’s class of 89 myself! What a small world!”
At this point, another man comes into the bar & says to the bartender
“Hey, Joe! Anything interesting going on?”
The bartender says
“Not really… but the Murphy twins are drunk again.”
#oldbutgold
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What do the minimum wage and the age of consent have in common?
If it weren’t for the law a disturbing number of people would be comfortable going lower.
#other
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I want to tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
#wordplay
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Kids are like grizzly bears
You can't run, fight, or hide - all you can do is pretend you don't see them and hope they leave you alone
#other
@Sickipedia
A soldier shows up for military training but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.
The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.
"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout 'Stabbity stab-stab'. Now get moving."
The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts "Bangity bang-bang!" the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts "Stabbity stab-stab!" and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.
So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting "Bangity bang-bang" and occasionally "Stabbity-stab-stab", until eventually he realizes he's the last man standing.
He's feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.
The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, "Bangity-bang-bang!"
But the other soldier doesn't go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.
The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, "Bangity bang-bang!"
But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.
Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, "Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!"
But to his dismay, nothing works.
Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.
He stands over the fallen soldier and says:
"Tankity tank-tank."
#other
@Sickipedia
Last Christmas my mom bought me a t-shirt saying, 'I'm a nudist.'
I haven't worn it yet.
#other
@Sickipedia
A woman is milking a cow when an angry bull busts loose and goes charging across the field straight for her.
A farmhand sees what is happening and starts yelling and waving his arms to warn her. The bull is charging, the farmhand is screaming his head off, but the woman just keeps milking the cow. At the last moment before she is trampled and gored, the bull checks up, lowers his head, and skulks off in another direction while she keeps on milking.
Seeing this, the astonished farmhand runs up and says, “Wow! I thought you were dead for sure! Weren’t you afraid of that bull?”
And she says, “I would have been, but this cow is his mother in law.”
#other
@Sickipedia
My wife gazed at me and bit her lip seductively.
Unfortunately it was her top lip so she just looked like a piranha.
#other
@Sickipedia
Leonardo DiCaprio, sitting on a park bench, watching a 26 year old girl walking by
he says, "I bet she was a looker in her day"
#other
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I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do.
And for the people who like country music, denigrate means "put down".
#other
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Do you think Pavlov thought about feeding his dog every time he heard a bell ring?
#other
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What's the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant?
one is pho profit and the other is naan profit
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand and an eyepatch walks into a bar.
The bartender says to him, "If you don't mind my asking, how'd you get that peg leg?"
The pirate answers, "Well, matey, I was knocked overboard during a terrible storm. I spent several hours clinging to a piece of flotsam before me ship found me, but not before a shark took me leg."
The bartender nods and asks, "What about the hook hand?"
The pirate answers, "A few months after I lost me leg, we were boarded by some Royal Marines. I got into a swordfight with one of them, and he managed to take me hand, but I took his life."
To complete the trifecta, the bartender asks, "and the eyepatch?"
An embarrassed look comes over the pirate's face, and he sheepishly says: "...A seagull pooped in me eye."
The bartender looks at him in confusion. "And you have to wear a patch because of that?"
The pirate rubs the back of his neck with his good hand. "Erm, kind of... it was me first day with the hook."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
What does a terrorist say when feeding their baby?
Here comes the plane!
#other
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What is another name for Anal Bleaching?
Changing your Ringtone
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I was invited to my friend's wedding last week.
When I reached the venue, I found two doors with "bride's guests" written on one and "groom's guests" on the other.
I entered the one that said groom's guests and found two more doors, for men and women this time.
I went through the one that said men, only to find two more doors. These ones had the signs "people with gifts" and "people without gifts".
I went through the second one and found myself outside the venue through the backdoor.
#other
@Sickipedia
Did you here about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine before his root canal?
His goal: Transcend dental medication.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A 15 year old girl goes out with her friends
She says to her mom: "Mom! I'm going out with my friends." Mom: "OK, don't forget to wear protection" Her: "Mom, I'm 15!"
Mom: "I'm 30"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. "Ma", he said to his Mother, "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance."
Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. "It's that one", said his mother, without blinking an eye. "Holy cow", exclaimed David, "how in the world did you know it was her?" "I just don't like her", she replied.
#other
@Sickipedia
A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.
The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts." The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first. The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.'
After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?" The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."
#other
@Sickipedia
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
#wordplay
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