As a broken person I am not fun, interesting or good to be around nor do I bring anything positive to those around me.
Before becoming a burden and while people still remember the good times I think suicide is the option.
I want my loved ones to remember me from the good moments not slowly and surely becoming an empty pile of despair and shell of a human.
So If I take my life sooner rather than later at least they will still have fond memories of me and they can still smile while thinking of me and not just remember the useless looser I am becoming as gender dysphoria slowly but surely removes everything positive I was or had.
It just makes sense. I've written 4 letters where I ask for forgiveness and say goodbye to 4 different people. I still have like 6 more to go. I just wish I hadn't told 2 of my friends I was feeling like this, because now they might feel guiltier than they would originally if they simply didn't know my happiness is gone and that I want to die.
I'm thinking that In the letter directed to those 2 friends I will ask them for forgiveness and thank them for their support that they made being alive a bit more bearable and made me stay here longer but that in the end there was nothing that could be done.
It will still suck for them but maybe a bit less?
Its funny that people say that suicidal people aren't thinking clearly but I have never been clearer about something in my life.
My happiness is realistically gone as realising my brain thinks I'm not a guy has destroyed everything I've cherished. If I do act on this then my life will be significantly worse. I will be hated, rejected, abandoned and problably attacked.
And since I did experience quite a bit of happiness in the past which is now forever gone, taking my own life is realistically a good decision all things considered. I've experienced enough of the world to understand that if it's going to get much worse then there's really no point.
Notice by my writing how I am not in despair, I'm making a purely rational choice. My life is gone and so am I. Simple as that.
Edit: The question im struggling with now is:
Should I be honest in my suicide letters about what I'm going through?
https://redd.it/1v3do9p
@r_suicidewatch
Feel like I’m at my limit tonight
Work tonight is testing me in a way it hasn’t in a while. Having to deal with so many belligerent people. Had a panic attack, literal tears in my eyes and that didn’t stop people from being rude to me. What the fuck is wrong with people. Can’t take this shit I’m so fucking tired of everything. Idk why I even try.
I just want to get in my car and disappear. Tempted to cut myself or walk into the ocean right now.
https://redd.it/1v3bhtn
@r_suicidewatch
I don't see myself as a human being
I have no words to describe the hatred I have for myself. There is nothing good about me, going out every day and talking to people is torture, I hate when people talk to me or even see me, I want to be alone forever.
https://redd.it/1v3764v
@r_suicidewatch
Why should I do if I'm ugly and I'm not attractive ?
I'm unattractive and women constantly make fun of me . I hate waking up everyday and I feel like ending my life. I hate how my face looks . I hate I never had a women because I'm ugly asf
https://redd.it/1v313oe
@r_suicidewatch
Failed
I tried to kms on the 11th with carbon monoxide, lit some charcoal briquettes in a pot and sat with them in my closet. I wrote my notes and was ready to go, but what fucked me over is the note i taped to my door, “call 911, don’t enter please”. My sisters boyfriend gets home an hour later, 3am, and for some reason goes to the back where my room is and saw the note, goes to my sister and she automatically started sobbing and yelling. I come out all wobbly and shit, apologize and dont know what to do so i just dumped the coals in the back. She calls my mom to the house and they called the crisis line and i ended up in the mental hospital for 9 days. Just got out today, the same as when i went in, now all my shit is moved to my moms house and im not even allowed to drive myself anywhere. I really fucking hate this so much, i shouldn’t be here right now dealing with all this bs. Gonna give it a week or two before i just blow my shit off. Thank you for reading.
https://redd.it/1v309ie
@r_suicidewatch
Frustration with "suicide prevention"
I am by no means "pro-suicide" and I don't think it should be encouraged.
But I do think that anti-suicide and prevention talking points are bullshit and only make things for people like us worse.
I have bipolar disorder, currently suffering heavily from a depressive episode and while I haven't fully made up my mind, I am really on the edge of starting to plan to take my life, but no matter where I look for help, I just feel like I'm ignored and invalidated.
Suicide prevention preaches, but never listens. It automatically assumes that every person is having the same issue that can be fixed by just sticking around. It also runs on making you feel guilty. Stick around, because you will be missed, because you are needed, etc. It never addresses the root issue nor does it ever try to understand you.
What's the point of sticking around when I'm doomed to feel like this over and over again for the rest of my life? And even if I'm trying my hardest, working on myself, striving to excell at my job, going out and being social, at the end of the day it all seems like it doesn't amount to shit. It just all falls flat.
These things are never addressed, you are just supposed to suffer on, because this and that.
Does anyone else feel this way?
https://redd.it/1v2wqgn
@r_suicidewatch
Goodbye everyone
Some people on here were really nice and I appreciate all of those who tried helping me. I'm really sorry to anyone if they actually cared about me, I know I have a lot of people that care more than I know I'm sorry I couldn't reach out. I tried to the one person I used to have. I'm finally at peace for the most part, I just don't know what plan I want to go with exactly. I have thought about this for a long, long time, ever since I was 14 I wanted to be dead. There is no such thing as a soulmate, true love just don't waste your time, and if you are the kind of person like me to just want love and not care about anything else it doesn't ever get better. It's too late for me.
https://redd.it/1v2s6my
@r_suicidewatch
I am on suicide watch everyday
All I do is go on suicide watch everyday to feel like I am not the only human suffering and wanting to die. My existence feels like a hell specifically made for me. I wake up in terror and go to sleep in terror 24/7. I am plagued by cptsd and severe ocd. Causing me intense intrusive thoughts fears and agoraphobia. Some of my suffering is my fault which I also do not know what to do about. I feel too in deep or far gone. Then other of my suffering isn’t my fault but nothing can be done to change it. It is ongoing with no relief in sight. I cannot imagine myself growing older in these conditions. I’m 22 and my life feels already over and doomed.
https://redd.it/1v2pgu8
@r_suicidewatch
It's such an insult the world wants me alive just to torture me
No. Sending the redditcares bullshit won't solve anything. I am forced to live in a third world country. I don't want to talk to them. I don't like being forced to speak their language. There is nowhere for me to turn. Also what I need is to escape this country. There is nothing for me here, no safety, home, quality of life. Everyone here is anti-choice I have nothing in common with these people. I share no values, culture, worldviews with them. This is not my home or who I am. I am beyond traumatised. This place is so ugly and evil. I am forced to live as someone I am not. Everything and everyone around me disturbs me. I just want to live a dignified life where I can be myself. I asked multiple human rights organisations for help. I am on my own. I need to leave this traumatising, toxic, and hostile country to be free and have peace. The world has completely ignored my needs, invalidated, ignored me, mistreated and abused me. I didn’t have a good life. It started with me being abandoned and the authorities covering up who did it. And then me being expected to feel at home in a culture that isn’t for me and to have shitty life, and try to indoctrinate me to be like them. I am expected to be someone I am not and be ok with a life that isn’t ok for me. Forced to live with abusive parents. No way out of this hellish continent. I have absolutely nowhere to turn to. No one care enough to do anything unless I die. I have been pleading, begging for help. I have contacted the UNHCR, filed a complaint with the UN, multiple human rights organisations, journalists, documentary filmmakers. No one cares. My life is in danger. A life lived in pain. Being tortured, abused, silenced, and ignored. I cry everyday. No one cares. It’s a struggle just to stay alive.
https://redd.it/1v2k938
@r_suicidewatch
Disease after disease adter disease: life has no sense anymore
I have a sleep breathing disorder which gave me various syndoromes: but I kept going in to try to solve it
Psychiatrist came to my home at January and forced me to take Abilify
Now have permanent side effects from it.
No, I'm not 70. I. 23.
And knowing people around you lived their life and you're stuck in this shit hurts.
I cannot find a sense anymore. And consider hanging myself at the heater.
I fear the process of dying though. So I'm rallt lost.
Family wants me to go to work to their shitty office everyday.
And this fucking Abilify gave insomnia iand i already have the sleep breathing disorder!!
It's terrible ...
I cannot find a light anymore.
I'll never be what I was anymore. I'm in the depth of the hole.
https://redd.it/1v2fbb7
@r_suicidewatch
I feel like my only option is suicide
I cannot continue on I’m scared
https://redd.it/1v2cjqo
@r_suicidewatch
I LOVE ALL OF YOU GUYS PLEASE DON'T DIE
I'm going to cry.
https://redd.it/1v29qo7
@r_suicidewatch
Asking God to take me soon
I don’t want to see the day
I don’t have a Person
I don’t want to see the day
I don’t have a wedding
I don’t want to see the day
I don’t have children
I don’t want to see that day
So please God
Take me away
Before
Because I can’t see that day
https://redd.it/1v24qrs
@r_suicidewatch
how are people enjoying life
like genuienly people are always like « the future is brighter » and things like this but it only looks like it’s getting worse and worse
how can the future be brighter when for 99% of people it’ll just be working in a job you don’t like , most likely marrying the wrong person as half of marriage end up as divorce , loose your friends as you get older and older and once you’re old asf you have to work not only to pay for foods etc but also pay your health
https://redd.it/1v1ztbq
@r_suicidewatch
Afraid of living more than dying.
I feel completely lost and confused with the circumstances I'm facing during my lifetime. Regular day-to-day living just became too heavy to bear. I tried to help myself and to help others who are struggling, but now I feel I cannot trust myself anymore. Perhaps, I need help. But does anyone care? I suppose, not. Many people have the feeling of sinking deeper and deeper each day they live, when the hours of sleep become the only small solace and temporary soothing relief from drowning in their daily duties. The weight of life and the world is simply too much. Suicidality is just a search for peace and silence, and hope, being one of the most powerful and life inspiring feelings, helps to deal with the sense of dread which we have while facing challenges of trying not to break or give up.
I don't know what to say now. I understand what depression is, why and how it clouds my vision, making it barely impossible to feel hope in life. Maybe, understanding is not enough. Help of others, including mental health professionals, is necessarily needed in cases like mine. I received help many times and continue to receive it these days. Yet still, despair is covering my sensations, and the railroad tracks are so promising with it.
I don't really know what to do anymore. I guess I'm just writing this because I don't want to feel alone. If anyone has been through something similar, I'd really appreciate hearing from you.
https://redd.it/1v3g9ui
@r_suicidewatch
It's a sink or swim world
And no one wants to admit/acknowledge that some people will just sink.
I won't get a job, I don't have a future, I don't have ambition or motivation.
https://redd.it/1v33zel
@r_suicidewatch
Friends found an early suicide note help.
Yesterday on a whim, I wrote a suicide note, and posted it to an anonymous side acc. I usually do this when I’m at the verge of committing, but this time my friends found it, people that aren’t really familiar with how far my CPTSD and depression are… they all lectured me individually and they are all scared for me, and I fucking hate it, I feel dirty and invaded and uncomfortable, now I have to comfort THEM! It’s so bad it’s unfair, they were already planning on an intervention but I don’t want to go to a mental hospital, or worse my parents might send me to a church retirement home… how do I cope with all of this??? I know my friends won’t let their guard down towards me, and I hate the feeling that I’ll be watched 24/7.
https://redd.it/1v38wrr
@r_suicidewatch
loneliness
i don’t have much friends. i just wanted people to talk to. don’t be a creep please, i just wanted friends, i’m tired of bed-rotting all day and wasting my youth.
https://redd.it/1v36apx
@r_suicidewatch
.
Hey I hope you're all doing well, I am a 24 years old. Last year my bestfriend committed suicide after the death of his mother, he was fighting depression for so many years and so did I. I have been diagnosed with episodes of severe depression at 16. At 17 I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I had severe panic attacks occurring every half an hour from 13 to 19, and so I used to numb down the pain with heavy smoking, high alcohol use, anti depressants and hashish (since 16/17) until 20 years old. I was at the brink of tota irrevocablle insanity.
After recovering for a bit, I stopped drinking for 3 years and now I got back at it as no substance could alleviate my pain. I didn't talk about so many other things and I do not want to talk abt them . Please tell me sincerely, what are the most painless ways to die. I would really appreciate your feedback guys.
https://redd.it/1v31yrv
@r_suicidewatch
Exercise does not help
Whoever told me exercise boosts your mental health is big ass liar.
It somehow made the suicidal ideation worse. I almost fell off the treadmill dissociating. Nearly two hours were spent contemplating on whether I should buy a gun and end it all or not.
It may have helped other people but this shit does not help me. what the fuck do I do.
https://redd.it/1v2xdad
@r_suicidewatch
sc
i dont know how ppl can have friends and relationships and stuff i can’t be open with ppl idk how its like i wanna be close with someone but im uncomfortable with the idea of opening up i dont rly have friends im not close with the little family i have and idk it also doesn’t help that i easily get overly attached and obsessed with anyone who’s nice to me its like i think someone might care irl or online tbh idk what to do i dont like being alone i dont even want a lot of friends or anything i rly like the idea of having one person and being rly in love with them like codependency its like i dont wanna be my own person i dont like the idea of being with someone and them talking with anyone else i feel like i have a twisted sense of love idk i just dont like myself i make everything worse i cant stop thinking about suicide it’s all i think about love and suicide im like emotionally numb i dont rly feel anything but the littlest thing can make me feel terrible it’s like theres a pit in my stomach i dont know what to do im scared im scared im a failure i turned 18 recently im grown and i still cant do anything right i cant do anything but rot in bed all day i dont know what to do i make everyone feel worse around me i seen it ppl say it would be better if i was someone else all the time i dont know what to do i hate me i cant die tho i cant i cant cut deep enough i cant hang myself its just doesnt work im too scared to overdose i dont know what to do i hate myself i hate being stuck in my own head im all alone being around other ppl doesnt even help its like idk i hate me i cant describe it im scared idk of what i cant live im not deserving but theres no way out
https://redd.it/1v2sh53
@r_suicidewatch
Why can’t it just happen already
I’m ready to die, that’s it
https://redd.it/1v2o5l0
@r_suicidewatch
When does it start being morally righteous for me to just die?
im fucking sick of all this vermin in my vein and teeth i try to spit but it never comes out i just want to stop feeling this. the fuck can therapy do, its something made for people who have it together and feel a bit sad, not for those like me
https://redd.it/1v2mnzd
@r_suicidewatch
Goodbye.
I know this post is going to get lost, but I needed to say my final goodbyes somewhere.
I know that no one cares about me, values me, or believes I'm beautiful enough to be worth staying for. I've done too much explaining online, and I'm done having this life I live now. I hate all the pointless platitudes, the "everyone is beautiful to someone" nonsense, and that looks aren't that important.
All I ever wanted was to be beautiful so I could be safe with myself.
I wanted to be beautiful to receive love, care, friendships, opportunities, etc., but I'll never get that chance.
If anyone is reading this, be safe, and do the best you can.
https://redd.it/1v2kevc
@r_suicidewatch
Finally
I want to leave this world with what I have learned. I have taken the steps to end my suffering and am so thankful.
Please be kind to one another, love one another don’t bring each other down. The world is tough enough.
If someone asks for help, take the time you don’t know if this is the last time.
Keep your promises it’s the only thing we humans have is our word.
My world is going to end in 24 hours and I couldn’t be more thankful. Love one another please that is all I wish. Just be kind and love one another ♥️
Take care
https://redd.it/1v2ewea
@r_suicidewatch
It doesn't get better
I seriously wish I offed myself when I was 18 when I had the chance. Nothing is worth living for. I let myself get controlled by my parents at 30. I STILL haven't moved out yet. I just sit here and dissociate and do nothing. Losing interest in all my hobbies. No close friends, at most a partner but pretty much nothing. The friends I have don't feel like 'friends' just business partners that I of course don't talk to first.
Even if things get better, what's the point? The worlds going to shit, my body is deteriorating, I have had this ringing in my left ear that never goes away, with the occasional ear ache. My left foot hurts really bad, I still have a runners knee. I'm definitely going to end up in a wheelchair later in life. I'm too miserable and severely mentally ill to EVER live a good life. I'm never going to have kids. I'll just be pretending to live a good life. I mean, I don't even correct my partners misgendering even though my pronouns are right there in front of him. And that we talked about my gender at the beginning of our relationship and he gendered me decently, then 5 years later I'm just a girl. Even to other people I'm just a fucking girl. I always get she/her'd and nobody tried to use other pronouns for me and it's my fault because I have to like cute, feminine things.
Which I thought would make me happy since I was dysphoric whenever I liked the color pink too much and still feel that way with skirts and shit. Like yay, I like what I like! But I'm just girl girl girl girl girl, all because I'm too short. All because my voice is too soft spoken, and because I'm not androgynous enough, interest and appearance wise. I wish I was born AMAB, but I fucking wasn't. Of course 3/4 and I had to fail at that. I mean, I wasn't even supposed to be born in the first place. I was an accident. I should just take myself out.
People have kids by now and a house but I sit here doing nothing. I can't quit an unpaid internship. People have friends that have lasted decades. People travelled to the places they want to. People live on their own. I hate myself for making my date January 1st/2nd. I want to do something now. I don't even tell people I'm miserable anymore, I just mask and mask but it slips through the cracks with my partner a lot. But at least I succeeded in recent days because even though I'm miserable he hasn't asked me if somethings wrong or am I okay. Just a repeat of the whole I'm miserable thing but hiding the gender thing because nobody truly cares at the end of the day maybe I'm just a fucking girl and just lying to myself
https://redd.it/1v2als0
@r_suicidewatch
suicidal in a not depressed way?
sometimes i feel like i want to be killed, and not because i hate life, but because i think death is so beautiful. i think if i were bleeding to death that would be my most beautiful state. i don't mind that it means not continuing life, because everything comes to an end anyway. dead things used to be my biggest fear but now i want to embrace death. and the stuff that happens after i die might be cool too i wanna find out what it is. does anyone else experience feelings like this or have any advice?
https://redd.it/1v29jen
@r_suicidewatch
Ending life as I have no financial means to survive
54 year old female , recently diagnosed as bipolar but looking at the symptoms I was living this way recklessly since a young teen. All of those years living impulsively with jobs , relationships , housing , shopping etc have caught up with me to a point there is nothing left. It was left untreated for way too long.
It was disguised to me and the world because I was book smart and found ways to pull myself out of the destruction I caused until now when I'm unemployable and socially isolated.
I wouldn't mind staying around for a while but being homeless in the Midwest isn't something I can survive either.
I would give anything to restart but being unemployable makes it impossible to live.
No one believes that I am bad as I am
Had anyone else ever been wanting out for similar reasons ?
https://redd.it/1v23hzr
@r_suicidewatch
I almost died last night. It was scary. Really scary. I guess I'm going to keep living.
I tried to hang myself. I've been planning it for a while. I thought that it would be relatively "fast" or "peaceful". It wasn't. It was, unsurprisingly, pretty violent and terrifying. My throat still hurts. I was supposed to work last night but I wasn't really planning on being around anymore so I was wrecked off booze, like .25 BAC so I missed my shift. So now I'm alive and risking the only real thing I have in my life anymore, my job. I'm going to be okay though. My life still sucks but it's mine, and I guess I'm going to see it through. I'm having a hard time processing this. I don't think I know anybody I can talk to about it.
https://redd.it/1v1tvfa
@r_suicidewatch
