1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
How does a hippy polygamist count his wives?
One, Mrs. Hippy, two Mrs. Hippy...
https://redd.it/1fn4glh
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A man goes to the doctor complaining about constantly hearing the song "Delilah" in his head.
The doctor says, "That sounds like a textbook case of Tom Jones syndrome."
The man asks, "Never heard of that. Is it common?"
The doctor responds, "It's not unusual."
https://redd.it/1fmsj6b
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How much cocaine has Charlie Sheen done?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
https://redd.it/1fmkm2s
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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
LNumber One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish, swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered!
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number Three Samurai?" Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, release one fly, drew his Samurai sword, and "swoooooosh" flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead, schmed," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. What takes REAL skill is circumcision"
https://redd.it/1fmjkd9
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A woman arrives at a party
She sees a good looking guy standing on his own so she goes up to him and says “hi my name is Carmen”.
“That’s a nice name” said the man “is it a family name”
“No” said the woman “I gave it to myself as it represents the two things I like the most, cars and men. What’s your name?”
The man smiles and says “BJ tits and golf”
https://redd.it/1fmc9q2
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Why did England eat France?
Because Francis Bacon
https://redd.it/1flzyhk
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My favourite sex position is The Rodeo.
That’s when you get going, then two minutes in you call her by someone else’s name, and see how long you can stay on for.
https://redd.it/1flj8ve
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I was sitting on the sofa last night watching TV, when my wife from the bedroom yelled, "Do you ever get pains on the chest like someone's got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."
Then she asked, "How about now?
https://redd.it/1flrrz9
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Despite being the manager of a wildly popular Pho restaurant, the owner still makes me wait in line when I eat there on my days off. He says it's nothing personal...
...but it feels like a big pho queue.
https://redd.it/1fla8rq
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A newly divorced woman is strolling along the beach, disappointed about how horribly the divorce settlement turned out for her.
As she's walking, she spots an old lamp half buried in the sand. Hopelessly, she picks it up and rubs the lamp, and to her surprise, a genie appears!
The genie notices she is upset and lets her vent before proceeding to grant her three wishes. He, however, cautions her that he is not a fan of divorce, and will give her ex-husband ten times of whatever she wishes.
She winces, but asks for her first wish.
“I wish to have a billion dollars.”
Poof! The next second, mountains of crisp banknotes, amounting to a billion dollars, surround her. Her happiness is short-lived as the genie reminds her, “Your ex-husband now has ten billion dollars. Next?”
Her face has started to turn red, but she composes herself.
“I wish for a 25,000 sq ft private mansion on this beach.”
Instantly, a beautifully luxurious mansion, with all modern facilities, appears in front of her. Before she could revel in the joy, the genie pointed her in a direction, where to her horror, stood ten similar, magnificent mansions.
“Now, what’s your final wish?”
“I wish to give birth to twins.”
https://redd.it/1fl90nf
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If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...
...they become VERY ANGRY
https://redd.it/1fkxudb
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When is the worst possible time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
https://redd.it/1fkw16q
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There was a man who, unfortunately, lost both of his testicles in a freak accident.
Life had been rough for him, but luck took a strange turn when he was fast-tracked into a government job under the disability quota.
On his first day, he showed up bright and early at the government office. As he approached his new supervisor’s desk, the supervisor glanced up, raised an eyebrow, and noticed that the guy didn’t seem to have any apparent visible disability.
“Ah, you’re the new guy. Welcome!” said the supervisor, shuffling some papers around. “Now, if you don’t mind me asking, what exactly is your…uh… disability?”
The guy sighed, a little embarrassed, but he replied honestly, “Well, I lost both my testicles in an accident.”
The supervisor gave a sympathetic nod and then thought for a moment. “I see. Well, in that case, why don’t you join us from tomorrow, but you can start work at noon after lunch?” he suggested.
The man was puzzled. “Noon? But why?” he asked. “Look, I know the official work hours start at 9 am, and just because I’m disabled doesn’t mean I can’t pull my weight. I don’t need pity!”
The supervisor leaned back in his chair and chuckled softly. “Oh, no, no, it’s not about pity,” he said. “It’s just that, you see, we’re government officials. And from 9 am to noon, we do nothing but sit around scratching our balls. What will *you* do?”
https://redd.it/1fkrvuj
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So, if Ani is short for Anakin, and Ben is short for Obi-Wan, and Fives is short for CT-27-5555, and Artoo is short for R2D2, and Chewy is short for Chewbacca, what is Luke short for?
A Stormtrooper
https://redd.it/1fki6tk
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Why are the Russian forces in Ukraine using the symbol "Z"?
Because the other half of the swastika fell off due to poor Russian maintenance.
https://redd.it/1fkdnne
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My girlfriend stormed up to me and said "Guess who's been saying I've got a loose pussy!!"
I said, "you'll have to narrow it down."
https://redd.it/1fmzw05
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I'm Bad With Romantic Relationships...
My girlfriend and I were making out on the couch and she said "perhaps we should take this to the bedroom?" So I was like "alright, you grab the other end"
https://redd.it/1fmm1xj
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I think my illiterate girlfriend is cheating on me.
She keeps sending me texts telling me she wants to do Alan.
https://redd.it/1fmiptr
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In Spanish, water (agua) is feminine but you say "el agua" (masculine) instead of "la agua" (feminine)....
It is gender fluid
https://redd.it/1fmgpsy
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a non-sequitur?
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
https://redd.it/1fm2e06
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Sex ed teacher
The high school sex ed teacher walks in to class carrying a bag, he puts the bag down and says:
-"Today we're gonna learn how to put on a condom" and brings out a banana and a pack of condoms from the bag.
A student raises his hand and asks:
- "Why did you bring a banana?"
The teacher replies:
-"I can't get an erection when I'm hungry"
https://redd.it/1flyg62
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I was at a wedding when a guy grabbed my shoulder from behind and yelled “I fucked your grandma!”
I turned around and said, “Time to go home, grandpa, you’re drunk”
https://redd.it/1flpnar
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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.
Thank God I live in Canada!
https://redd.it/1flkncq
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Little Johnny is attending the first day of his school’s sex education class.
The teacher draws a penis on the blackboard and asks: “Who can tell me what this is?”
Of course, Johnny raises his hand and says: “It’s a penis; my daddy has two of them”
Incredulously, the teacher asks, “Two of them?”
“Yeah,” replies Johnny, “a little one he pees with, and a big one he brushes my babysitter’s teeth with.”
https://redd.it/1fleqmk
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I bet my girlfriend oral sex that she couldn’t beat me at arm wrestling.
She won, and now she keeps rubbing my nose in it.
https://redd.it/1fl9exm
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The astronauts stuck in space are voting this election. Texas ruled in 1997 that astronauts in outer space can legally vote
Wild to think nearly 30 years later they'd be so against aliens voting for the president
https://redd.it/1fkysvp
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My children simply refuse to eat their vegetables. I have finally worked out what to replace them with.
Rabbits. Rabbits love eating vegetables.
https://redd.it/1fkrrys
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After 15 years of working, my printer finally died yesterday.
It was like a Brother to me.
https://redd.it/1fkndts
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6:30 is the best time
Hands down.
https://redd.it/1fjznhm
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I have realized why everyone was buying toilet paper during the pandemic...
Because every time someone would cough, everyone around them would lose their shit.
https://redd.it/1fka6ft
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