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6 Tips To Get Motivated When You're Feeling Depressed
#Health #Motivation
A common response to identifying lifestyle changes that might make a depressed person feel better is, “Easier said than done.” Someone coping with depression may get what she's supposed to do, but the question is how? After all, depression kills motivation, energy, interest, and focus.
Once you give the engine a jump, it often becomes easier, but until then, how do you connect the jumper cables you need to make a spark?
1. Set the bar LOW.
When you’re depressed , you’re not functioning at your usual 70-90%. Rather, you’re sitting somewhere closer to 20%. If you set the same expectations for yourself that you had when you weren’t feeling depressed (which is sometimes just getting dressed), you’re going to feel anxious and overwhelmed, and probably won’t do the task you expected from yourself (and thus will feel defeated and ashamed).
Set SMALL AND SPECIFIC GOALS. Seriously. Unload the dishwasher. Heck, unload three glasses. Task completed and still itching for more? You can always raise the bar if you’re feeling particularly motivated. Take note that if you feel highly overwhelmed while tackling your goal, chances are it's too high and you need to lower it to something more realistic or specific.
2. Practice self-compassion.
Self-criticism is depression’s BFF. If you beat yourself up for being so “unproductive” and “lazy,” You’re going to keep yourself feeling like crap and thus, paralyzed. Try instead to use the same encouraging words you might use for a friend or loved one.
3. Recruit support, or ask for help.
Some of us have trouble holding ourselves accountable at the best of times. With little motivation or energy, it’s that much harder. Confide in someone you trust, and ask for their help. Ask a friend to hold you to your commitment. Ask your partner to accompany to a yoga class. Pay for your support group, counseling appointment, or massage beforehand so you’ll be more motivated to attend.
4. Envision how you'll feel after the task.
Getting in the shower, going for a walk, preparing a meal, or hanging out with a friend seems like a very ominous task if you focus on the effort involved. People who are depressed generally have low self-efficacy , which means they have low confidence in their ability to perform tasks. As such, they tend to feel overwhelmed and avoid such tasks. Lower expectations for yourself within the task, and envision how you (might) feel after the task rather than during.
5. Make the goal to do it, not to enjoy it.
When you’re feeling depressed, it’s natural to lose interest in things that used to make you happy . Comedy is no longer funny, sports are no longer fun, spending time with friends is no longer engaging. Anxiety, depression, and self-loathing take over, leading to feelings of detachment and defeat. So, when doing something “fun” or “active,” do it with the goal to do it, not to enjoy it.
6. Acknowledge your courage for stepping out of your comfort zone.
As painful as it is, depression can be come comfortable in a “devil you know” kind of way. You know what to expect, for the most part. You know the pain, you’re in the pain, you can predict that tomorrow will be more of the same. The idea of stepping out of this comfort zone can be quite anxiety provoking. Steven Hayes , a psychologist whose work I admire said, “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re always going to get what you’ve always gotten.” So, if you find you’re able to do something (even very slightly) different, congratulate yourself. There’s a good chance whatever you’re experiencing will come with anxiety, because anxiety accompanies uncertainty. Anxiety may be telling you you’re stepping out of the familiar routine of depression, so acknowledge your courage and try to bring such experiences forward in your journey.
The Top Relationship Tips From A Happily Married Couple of 72 Years|Share out
#Relationships
If you do a simple Google search of what makes a marriage last, you’ll find literally thousands of articles about the topic. Everyone wants to know what makes a relationship last in today’s increasingly stressful, confusing world, but no one knows better than two people who have been together for more than 70 years. Yes, you read that correctly…more than seven decades of being committed to one another and no one else.
Mr. and Mrs. Lombardi, one of the world’s most inspiring power couples, got married 72 years ago, and have built a beautiful relationship based on love, trust, understanding, and friendship. They’re more in love today than ever, even at 95 years of age.
They’ve given us some great tips on keeping relationships together, and anyone who desires a long-lasting relationship such as theirs should pay close attention to their advice. After all, no relationship counselor or book written about the subject could substitute for real experiences and wisdom.
1. Always just choose love.
Some days it might seem harder than others, but you have to commit to love if you want to keep your relationship together.
2. Compliment each other.
Relationships can only work if you commit to being kind to one another. You have to build each other up, not tear each other down. Say something nice to one another every day, even if it’s just “You look beautiful/handsome.”
3. Have an active sex life.
Touch and intimacy are important in any healthy, long-term relationship. Even if you don’t have sex as often as you used to, try to make time for intimacy at least a few nights per week.
4. Live close to family.
You need to have other relationships in your life besides the one with your spouse or significant other. Make sure to stay close with family and share memories and experiences with them.
5. Eat healthy and be mindful of sugar consumption.
Mr. and Mrs. Lombardi still ride around on bikes, even in their 90s. If they’ve taught us anything, it’s to commit to your health even in your younger years when you feel invincible, and stay active. They both eat homecooked meals every day and eat out sparingly.
6. Say no to cheating.
Cheating can destroy even the best, healthiest relationships. If you’ve committed to someone, then honor that commitment, and don’t throw away gold for a cheap imitation.
7. Don’t go to bed angry.
You have probably heard this many times before, but the Lombardi’s stand by this 100%. They say “just kiss” whenever you feel mad, and it will make everything better. Maybe it won’t always be that simple, but you can’t knock it ’til you try it, right?!
8. An argument doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed.
In over seven decades of being together, the Lombardi’s have probably gotten in countless fights. They say arguments happen in any relationship, but they don’t have to tear two people apart. Everyone disagrees from time to time, but listening and respecting one another’s point of view can make the difference between a healthy argument and a harmful, unproductive one.
9. Have respect for each other.
Obviously, any relationship must have respect for it to work. Always remind your lover how much you value and appreciate them, because they sacrifice a lot to make the relationship work.
10. Don’t forget to clean!
Mr. and Mrs. Lombardi believe that you should keep your home clean and organized. After all, a disorderly home likely reflects a chaotic inner life as well.
11. Commit to good parenting.
If you have kids together, treat them with the same love and respect that you show each other. Provide them with a decent education, and don’t pressure them into doing any one thing in life. Let them carve their own path, but show them the light along the way.
Tripp Advice (Youtube)
Weird Hypnosis Trick To Install Confidence In Your Brain
I’m going to share a really powerful technique that you can use right after this video to instantly become more confident .
Links:
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➖ @expertadvice ➖
How to Create More Self-Love Now
#Inspiring, #Social
Create Self Love in Your Life Today!
I am so excited to about my Real Love Revolution free video series where I am exploring ways to create more love (self-love and other love) in your life. Take a moment before watching to assess your feelings about yourself right now.
➖How do you speak to yourself when you make a mistake?
➖Do you feel worthy and lovable?
➖How valuable do you think you are?
This week is all about uncovering common behaviors that that can reinforce low self-esteem and block self-love, and in this video, I specifically cover:
Flipping the script on negative self-talk
Becoming aware of the Disease to Please
Learning to brag in a healthy way
Effective affirmations for building self-esteem
The power of accepting a compliment
Tackle the exercises in this video and leave me a comment here to let me know what surprised or challenged you.
I am so lit up about leading you on this Real Love Revolution journey!
Are YOU ready for a revolution?
This video will be the first of many going forward that are designed to help anyone who is willing to uncover and transform any limiting or negative beliefs about self-love.
Loving yourself can be as simple as you want it to be.
If you take the time to follow the simple steps that I have laid out in the video, and follow the instructions in the upcoming videos, I know that you will be able to break some or all of the negative ideas that may be holding you back from achieving your true power and potential in life.
7 Subtle Ways to Measure the Strength of Your Relationship
#relationships
How strong is your relationship? These seven tests could help you gauge your partner's commitment.
1. The Gaze Test
Research show that couples in love tend to spend more time gazing into each other’s eyes. Over a romantic dinner does he or she look directly into your eyes, or avoid your gaze?
2. The Jealousy Test
Does your partner show jealousy when an attractive person shows interest in you?
3. The Endurance Test
Does your partner willingly offer to help you out with some difficult or boring chore, such as helping you move, clean out the attic, or take care of your pet while you are on a business trip?
4. The Separation Test
Does your partner tell you how much he or she missed you, or say, “Is it two weeks already? Seems like you left yesterday!”
5. The Public Affection Test
Is your partner comfortable holding hands or kissing in public, or does he or she pull away when someone approaches?
6. The Squeeze Test
When others are talking about romantic couples, does your partner give you a squeeze on your hand or leg as a nonverbal signal that says, "That’s like us!”
7. The Mutuality Test
Does your partner share personal information, particularly after you have shared something personal or intimate? This is known as “reciprocal self-disclosure” and it's the process by which strong relationships are formed. Further, do you share jokes and stories and find the same things fun or amusing?
Bottom Line
Strong relationships are built by sharing and by being genuinely interested in and appreciative of your partner. It’s not the end of the world if your partner fails one of these tests; however, failing several suggests that your relationship may need more attention. But developing a strong and loving relationships is never easy: Each of you must invest in it and be willing to make sacrifices and concessions.
Nothing is more beautiful than the smile that has struggled through the tears.
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5 Smart Ways to Come Up With a Good Business Idea
#BusinessIdeas
Are you thrilled by the idea of starting your own business? You know you have the energy, enthusiasm and commitment of an entrepreneur, but you're missing one critical element to success: a good business idea. Don't get frustrated — inspiration is all around you. Here are five tips on where to find good business ideas.
Problems and pet peeves
Good business ideas often solve a problem. Begin your search by listing the problems in your own life.
"Look for problems that no one has addressed yet,"These could be problems that you are having yourself, such as 'I wish this kind of product or service existed,'" Wertz said. Alternatively, look for problems that other people and/or companies are having.
A side project or hobby
Sometimes awesome ideas grow from a pet side project or hobby. If you're having trouble finding your next business idea, start a side project.
"Simply sitting down and trying to brainstorm ideas for a new business doesn’t normally work well for most," .
"Instead, choose an area that interests you for your side project, and look for problems and issues that arise while you are working,". always keep your eyes open for problems that need solutions, and then to find ways to solve the problems you identify. "Spend time figuring out viable solutions to the issues and problems you have found during work on your side project," he said. "This is where you'll find the foundation for a great business idea, the solution to an identified problem."
Your business network
Remember the phrase "two heads are better than one?" Some of the best business ideas appear when you work with others, instead of on your own.
"I've seen great people waste years on terrible business ideas, and if there were one characteristic that separates them from the great ideas it's this: No ideas in isolation!"
If you don't know where to find people who may help you come up with a great business idea, begin by getting in touch with everyone you already know in the business world.
"Ask them all, even your accountant, for an introduction to the most interesting business person they know," he said.
Another source that may inspire new business ideas is LinkedIn. In addition to your existing network, look for industry-specific LinkedIn groups. "Familiarize yourself [with the topics] first by reading some of the articles and discussions," Aldridge said. Look for recurring questions or problems. The more discussion around a topic, the more likely it is to signal a potential business idea.
➖ Simple Things to be Grateful for in Life➖
#productivity
“When I allow myself to celebrate what is good in my life that vibration ripples in my life and the world.”
When you wake up in the morning what’s the first thought that goes through your mind? Do you consider the day’s to-do list or the bills that need to be paid? Do you think about getting the car serviced or your children’s after-school schedule?
All of these things are important, but they don’t always lead the way to living with a grateful heart.
Living with a grateful heart gives you the opportunity to celebrate the goodness in life and to see goodness in others. Living with a grateful heart allows you to share happiness and love . And living with a grateful heart opens the way for more joy and peace to come in.
Perhaps when you wake up, the first thought that goes through your mind should be one of thanks, contentment and gratitude.
I share these simple things from my life so you’ll be nudged to remember the wonderful things you have to be thankful for, too.
I’m grateful for my friends who encourage me.
I’m grateful for God’s grace.
I’m grateful for the smell of Sunday supper cooking all afternoon long.
I’m grateful for working for a company that provides health care benefits.
I’m grateful for having a strong body and a clear mind.
I’m grateful for having the freedom to choose the life I want to live.
I’m grateful for after-dinner walks with my wife.
I’m grateful for being forgiven.
I’m grateful for the first sip of coffee in the morning.
I’m grateful for having the ability to pay my bills.
I’m grateful for realizing being happy is my greatest purpose.
I’m grateful for remembering that I am enough.
I’m grateful for hearing laughter in my house.
I’m grateful for my faith.
I’m grateful for the kindness of strangers.
I’m grateful for people reading what I write.
I’m grateful for learning from my mistakes.
I’m grateful for every sunrise – each one doesn’t go unnoticed.
I’m grateful for growing older.
I’m grateful for my parents.
I’m grateful for each good-night kiss.
I’m grateful for exactly what I have.
6 Ways to Stay Productive When You’re Feeling Low
#productivity , #selfimprovement.
It can be hard to stay focused and productive at the best of times. But when you’re feeling low – whether that’s physically or emotionally – then it can seem almost impossible to concentrate.
Maybe you have a daunting number of things to get done … but you can’t seem to summon up the energy to tackle any of them. You might end up doing something totally counter-productive: procrastinating, or tackling the easy, unimportant tasks, or even driving yourself to tears.
Here’s how to keep yourself on track:
#1: Make a List of Tasks
This is a classic time-management technique … because it really works.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, sit down and write a clear list of tasks. What do you need to do today? What could you put off for a few days if necessary?
The act of writing down the list means that:
You’ll get clarity. Instead of thinking “I must do something about Project X” you’ll have a clear action step like “Phone John about Project X”.
You won’t worry about forgetting to do things.
You can see what really has to be done – and it’s usually not so bad as you imagined!
You’ll be able to check off each item as you complete it, which can be very satisfying.
#2: Take a Real Break
When you’re feeling low or struggling with your work, it’s tempting to take a break and surf the net or zone out in front of the television. You might feel bad about being “unproductive” – and end up trying to force yourself to do chores.
If you need a break, then take one – and make it something truly recharging. Grab a shower, take a long bath, or even have a nap. Give yourself a real break from what you’re working on, and you’ll find your motivation returning.
#3: Avoid Dwelling on Negative Thoughts
Have you ever started feeling a bit down … and ended up making yourself more and more unhappy? It’s all too easy to get trapped in a spiral of negative thoughts.
If you catch yourself thinking something negative, like “I’m so stupid – how could I have made such a dumb mistake?” or “I’m really bad at managing my time” then stop. Look at your task list and pick something to focus on. Start working steadily through it, and you’ll find that those upsetting thoughts fade away.
#4: Find Something to Look Forward To
When life seems like all work and no play, it’s easy to feel down. Plan a treat for yourself, maybe next weekend. You might:
➖Book tickets to see a movie
➖Arrange to meet up with a friend for coffee
➖Pick a “date night” to spend with your partner
On a day-to-day basis, you can find things to look forward to as well. This might be as simple as watching an episode of your favorite television program in the evening, or buying a novel that you’ve been meaning to read.
#5: Play Some Music
Sometimes, small tweaks can make a big difference. If you’re ploughing through a mundane task – like answering emails or doing the dishes – then put on some great music.
Fast, energetic tracks can boost your energy levels and help you work faster; slower, more contemplative tracks are great if you want to feel calm and relaxed.
#6: Take Care of Your Health
Finally, however busy you are, it’s important to find time for your health. If you’re feeling physically and/or emotionally low, you can often pick yourself up by:
➖Getting enough sleep – most people need at least seven hours.
➖Eating sensibly – don’t go for hours between means, and avoid high-sugar snacks that play havoc with your energy levels.
➖Exercising regularly – this not only helps you stay fit and manage your weight, it’s also great for your mental health.
Have you been feeling low recently? Are any of the above tips helpful for you – or do you have your own ideas to add? The comments are open…
🔹 Lost and Found
Faith and hope carry us along,
What is left if they are gone?
Fear the worst, expect life to bite,
No comfort in happiness, a transitory night.
Dare to expect better, good things abound,
A flame flickers, briefly, before being snuffed out;
Smoke trails fade, memories pass,
Hopes for the future consigned to the past.
Dreams of tomorrow, slumbering deep,
A wish for memories that the heart can keep;
To revisit with a smile for blessings found,
Untarnished by the present and how things turned out.
Faith and hope will rise again,
Bearing new knowledge, from experience gained;
The time arrives to raise high your head,
Embrace a new future, put fear to bed.
Disappointments, let-downs, blows from the blue,
Below the belt punches, slings and arrows will hit you;
It’s nothing personal, it’s just life I guess,
So hang onto your hopes and don’t settle for less.
〽️ Five Ways to Get Unstuck
How to move your life forward now
It's easy for us to get in a rut. Maybe we have goals but for some reason we are not reaching for them. Maybe self-judgment is causing us to lower our expectations, or low self-worth is keeping us from making positive changes. We can also get stuck in worry, afraid of making a decision or changing something in our lives. Or maybe we're disappointed with how a particular situation has turned out, and it just feels too hard to move on.
When we get stuck, we often wait for an external change to happen. But change doesn't happen to us, it comes from within us. Change is scary and painful, but it is necessary for getting unstuck. And when that happens, it opens up so many opportunities.
Here's a guide to moving forward when you feel stuck:
Let go of the past
Listen to the stories in your head. Are you thinking about events that happened in the past? Are you unable to forgive yourself for mistakes you made? Are you blaming yourself or others for things that did not turn out the way you hoped? Ask yourself why you are stuck on these memories , what you can do to live with them, accept them, and move forward. You can't undo your past, but you can choose to find peace today. Forgiving yourself or others is a way of letting go and moving on.
Change your perspective
Once you release the grip of the past, you will see your reality in new ways and feel freer to change your attitude. Meditate or spend time alone and listen to your inner voice to gain a new perspective. If you can, travel or take a break from your daily routine to clear your mind and get distance from your current situation. Open yourself up to new people and ideas, and introduce regular physical activity into your routine. All these changes will help you gain a new perspective on the future and what is possible.
Start with small changes
Change stimulates different parts of the brain that improve creativity and clarity of mind. You can start small by changing daily routines, moving things in the house, or making new friends. Every choice matters. You might be tempted to skip doing the little things because they don't always seem very important in the moment. But after a while, an accumulation of small changes will help you accomplish your goals, and you will start feeling unstuck.
Explore your purpose
Your life purpose is not just your job or your responsibilities or goals – it's what makes you feel alive. These are the things you are passionate about and will fight for. Examples of a life purpose could be:
➖Helping people overcome the sadness of being ill
➖Helping others reach their full potential
➖Growing as a human being
➖Protecting animals who suffer
You may need to change your life purpose if it no longer inspires you. Or, if you feel like you haven't had one before, this is a great time to define your purpose. Ask yourself the following questions as you consider your life purpose: What makes me happy? What were my favorite things to do in the past? What are my favorite things to do now? When do I enjoy myself so much or become so committed to something that I lose track of time? Who inspires me the most and why? What makes me feel good about myself? What am I good at?
Believe in yourself
Believe that you can reach your expectations and get out of your comfort zone. Make a list of your strengths and positive traits, and remember that you are very capable. Many people sabotage their own progress – consciously or unconsciously – as a result of deep-seated fears and limiting beliefs.
The first thing you can do to believe in yourself is to recognize your self-doubt. Pay attention to the ways in which you react to situations. Then you can work to reframe your self-doubt.
🌲 Your Most Destructive Emotion — Here's How To Take Back
What do you think your most destructive emotion is?
No one enters adulthood unscarred. We’ve all been burned, so we all live with fear . The difference between a fulfilled life and a stifled one is whether you are in control of your fear, or your fear is in control of you.
If fear is responsible for your decisions, you’ve made your potential conditional on what fear will let you do. You’ve robbed yourself of all the possibilities that were intended for you.
Until you overcome your fear, whatever it is, you will be limited in your ability to share your gifts, to love , and to make the world a better place. So, don’t spend another day trapped in that prison, both jailer and jailed.
To help you on the journey, I’ve identified five steps to removing fear from your decision-making process and freeing yourself to be the person you were intended to be.
1. Commit to it.
When it comes to deeply engrained habits, saying you’ll change is exponentially easier than actually doing it. You’re busy, you’re going through a hard time, yes – but it’s never going to get easier. It’s only going to get harder. Start today, and don’t look back.
2. Imagine the worst-case scenario.
A lot of people engage in catastrophic thinking and it paralyzes them. But that’s because they let the fear remain nebulous. If you actually complete the scenario, it stops seeming so scary. Write down what you fear happening, and what that would mean for you. Putting it on paper makes it feel contained.
3. Name your fear.
I don’t just mean “heartbreak” or “betrayal.” I mean, call your fear Gregory or Steve or whatever you allows you to see it as an annoyance, rather than a monster. If you saw your 4th-grade bully now, I bet he or she wouldn’t seem so scary.
You remember the way someone or something made you feel the first time you experienced it. You remember Gregory the way your mind recorded him the first time he bullied you. But you aren’t that same, scared little kid now. You have myriad tools and assets at your disposal to face this bully on your own, and come out on top.
4. Reframe the situation.
Say your most crippling fear is failure. Associate that fear with the idea of learning. Every failure is an opportunity. It teaches you so much more than success. Whenever you imagine an outcome that you’d consider a failure, take the time to reimagine it from the perspective that to fail is to learn.
Over time, you can replace the word failure entirely. It’s not a word that serves you. You don’t need it. If the business you’ve always wanted to start ends in failure, it will really end in learning. And that’s not so bad, is it
5. Just do it.
To change your instinctual response to a certain possibility, you eventually have to prove to yourself that you have no reason to be afraid. If you fear intimacy because you’ve been betrayed, part of the process of conquering that fear is to experience intimacy in a new, healthier, better way.
You can’t ever guarantee that you won’t be hurt, but you can go into a relationship aware of the possible outcomes, choose someone with integrity, and take comfort in the fact that even if the relationship ends, you’ve taken a step closer to owning your life again.
💃 Emotionally Abusive Relationships, Part Two
Classic red flags that may indicate an abusive relationship.
In Part One this series, I offered a relationship scenario that subtly but powerfully indicated some of the manifestations of emotional abuse. Research shows that women and men equally take on the role of either the abuser or the person who is victimized. Emotional abuse can occur in any kind of relationship: intimate partners; a parent and a child; two friends; siblings; a boss and his or her employee; or between colleagues. Although the emotionally abusive interplay between people can fly under the radar or be minimized or rationalized by either person, the cumulative effect takes a profound toll, particularly on one’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem .
Here are just a few of the classic red flags to look for when considering the possibility that the dynamics in a relationship are emotionally abusive:
Communication is designed to humiliate, shame , or demean. The abuser enjoys “finding fault” with or “correcting” their partner, frequently pointing out their mistakes as a way to put them down both privately and in front of other people.
The abuser frequently belittles or disregards the other person’s thoughts, feelings, opinions, suggestions, or ideas, making it unsafe for them to freely or safely express themselves. In addition, they disregard the other person’s right to privacy or boundaries.
Teasing and sarcasm are employed to make the other person appear foolish. Yet when the victim complains they are accused of being “overly sensitive” or not having a sense of humor .
The abuser seeks to control all aspects of the relationship through financial withholding, verbal or physical intimidation, sex , granting or denying “permission,” stalking or harassing, or by making unilateral decisions that impact the other person.
The victim often feels “punished” by the abuser and over time is brainwashed into believing that they deserve the maltreatment they’ve received.
The abuser is usually emotionally distant and unavailable, forcing their partner to “work for” even the smallest degree of validation, support, or comfort. The victim is also made to feel guilt for wanting any emotional connection at all.
Since all of these behaviors are “normalized” or justified by the abuser, they create tremendous confusion and self-doubt in the victim. Part of why it’s so difficult for the victim to summon the courage to leave an emotionally abusive relationship is because they continually question their right to be upset, afraid, angry, or unhappy. In these situations, the support, guidance and encouragement of a well trained professional who understands the nuances of emotional abuse becomes a necessary resource.
If you’ve found the strength to leave this kind of relationship, please share your story to inspire others.
📍 The One Thing Everyone Should Look For in a Relationship
In coaching thousands of people over the years, I’ve learned that most don’t think about what they really want in their relationships. They just go with who they’re attracted to, and then eventually fall into dynamics that can be unhealthy or short-lived.
As a result, these individuals often then get buried in an avalanche of discouragement, overwhelmed by the feeling that there’s no one out there. Or they start to internalize their doubt, and start to believe there’s something wrong with them for not finding "the one."
Well, one thing is for sure: this a cycle that needs to stop, or else looking for love will feel like hell on earth. And the good news is that you can stop this cycle.
The #first step is to know what to look for in a relationship, not just what you gravitate toward at the initial stages. Because let's face it: sometimes what we gravitate toward can be an unhealthy dynamic, based on our story and patterns.
Of course we have to be attracted to the person. But that’s obvious, and it's also not enough if you’re interested in building something lasting. Now, for the fun part: how do we know what to look for?
Everyone has preferences. But that’s not what I’m talking about. The deeper question here is this: what are you willing (and not willing) to negotiate?
Preferences are like options or settings on a car, not the engine itself — the thing that allows the machine to function. Thinking about what you're willing and not willing to negotiate in relationships is hard, often uncomfortable work.
But working with these questions is what will empower you to sketch out the mechanics that will exist under the hood in your relationship. This is what will allow the relationship to keep on moving, functionally, when sh*t gets sticky.
So ... how do you know what your non-negotiables are?
Think about your past. Based on your previous experiences in relationships, you know what worked and what didn’t. You also know the results of some of the things you have negotiated. Maybe not then but you do now. You also know by negotiating these things, how it made you feel in the relationship.
Be flexible, and know that your non-negotiables can change. What you were once willing to negotiate, you no longer are. Or what you once were not willing to negotiate, you are now. Hopefully, it’s because you’re at a different place and your wants have changed. Not because you are compromising self.
I know what you’re thinking. Can you give me some examples of non-negotiables? The truth is, I have many. But I can give you the one that’s pinned to the top. This is the number one thing I believe everyone should look for in a successful relationship: You need to see home in your partner's eyes.
Let me explain this. There are many people you may want to sleep with. There are many that you may find interesting, intelligent, funny, and sexy. But out of those, how many do you actually picture yourself coming home to when you’ve had a shitty day and don’t want to face tomorrow? How many of them are titanium safe?
How many have the ability to create such a space that no matter what happens out there, you know when you get home everything’s going be okay. Not because they say so but because they make you feel it. There’s a difference between someone being supportive through dialogue and someone making you feel invincible and beautiful. Supportive-on-paper is not home. Being at home is a feeling.
Home is someone who pulls you out of yesterday and gives you tomorrow.
So if you’re dating someone, ask yourself if you see home in his or her eyes. Or if you’re positioning yourself to attract someone in your life, put it on your list of non-negotiables. It’s time to relate better to each other.
Why you Shouldn’t Trust Your Instincts in Business
#Bussiness
We have all heard someone say at one point or another that you should “just go with your gut” or “trust your instinct.” Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all just live a life where we were all just right all the time? (Cue parenting or relationship joke here…)
The problem is that we can’t always be right – but we can be informed in our decision-making. Someone who is an expert in their field might approach a situation at an advantage (with sharpened instincts) to someone who doesn’t really know much about it. For example, a restaurateur who has already opened two restaurants in one city would know whether opening a third would be a good business investment and what to expect throughout the process. Someone who has never even worked in the food service industry who doesn’t know much about the process wouldn’t be able to just make a decision based on their instincts because they don’t really have the tools to make it happen or to know whether it will be a successful investment. Their gut instinct would be based on their last restaurant experience as a customer.
We all have instincts for a reason, however, to use them to their fullest extent you need to sharpen them – they aren’t going to just magically sharpen on their own.
Here are a few ways to sharpen your instinct to help you in the decision making process:
Learn how to read people.
This is closest to using the instinct you already have. That sense you get where you are uncomfortable around certain people, you can usually trust that. However, sometimes in business you will run in to people who are really great at fooling people. You need to be able to read the signs.
Learn from mistakes and victories.
Keep track of how you got to where you are, whether good or bad. If you track your successes and losses, you can better pinpoint where things went wrong. If you are able to identify the factors in your success|failures, the next time a similar situation comes up, you can make an informed decision that is second nature, because you already went through it and debriefed from the last time.
Learn how to say no.
The more comfortable you are with saying no to people when you either can’t do something or it doesn’t feel like the right opportunity, the less it will play a factor in your decision-making. You can’t be all things to all people, and if you are known as simply a “yes man” then people might try to take advantage of you.
Learn how to ask the right questions.
Don’t be afraid to question yourself, but make sure they are constructive questions rather than questions designed to make you second guess your final decision.
Educate yourself.
The more you know about the situation in question the easier you can make a successful decision. Knowledge is power. Become an expert in your industry.
Surround yourself with the right types of people.
Find people that encourage you to better yourself. We’re not talking about a self-help group, but you want to find people that are like-minded.
Be patient.
You won’t make impeccable decisions right away. It will take time to sharpen your instincts. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
When it comes down to it, trusting your instincts in business can be a good thing, but only if you take the time to sharpen them, otherwise it will always be a gamble.
Writer: » Adrienne
The Kindness Contagion
When you see someone doing a good deed for a stranger, do you get all warm and fuzzy inside and find yourself smiling? This is called moral elevation and it’s that awesome sensation that goes all the way from your toes to the top of your head when you are in the presence of nice people.
Spreading some love by buying a stranger a coffee or helping an elderly person across the road are ways of putting some sunshine into someone’s day. For some, this is already common knowledge but now it is officially scientific and yes, kindness is contagious!
The Science
Studies have shown that kindness is highly contagious and makes people want to spread the love almost in a domino effect and do acts of kindness after witnessing others doing it.
In a 2008 study conducted by the University of California San Diego and Harvard University found that cooperative behavior can spread from one person to another and even to multiple people by mimicry and emotional contagion to cause a ripple effect of happiness. People can literally catch kindness! Furthermore, you don’t even have to witness these acts of kindness first hand.
The study found that the kindness spread to at least three degrees of separation.
How amazing is it that one little act of kindness can cascade through a social network to affect the lives of dozens and even hundreds of other people?!
The researchers wanted to see what moral elevation actually looked like so they measured the brain activity and heart rates of 104 college students while they watched videos showing either heroic acts of kindness or humorous situations.
Amazingly, while viewing the heroic acts, the participants had an unusual combination akin to the fight or flight response paired with a self-soothing response as activity in both the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system peaked. Interestingly, nothing happened in the brain while they were watching the humorous videos.
This may be because viewing a compassionate act requires us to witness suffering, which enacts a stress response and activates the sympathetic nervous system. Then, once we see the suffering alleviated through an act of kindness, our heart feels calmed and the parasympathetic nervous system is activated.
How to Spread Kindness
#1 Practice Compassion, Empathy and Love
Lay a foundation of compassion, love and empathy inside yourself, then even on days you may be feeling a bit blue, you can return to your foundations and find it within yourself to be kind to others.
#2 Be Committed
Be kind to yourself by committing that you will live the life that you always dreamed of, never give up! Use this commitment to also be kind to others.
#3 Be Present
Only by being present can we really hear what it is that others need. This can be anything from exercise to meditation to listening to music and brings us to that point of calm and stillness.
#4 Live a Life of Service
For those of us who have everything we need, it is good to be of service to the world and to give back. There are many ways we can help others so why not make it a priority to help one person each day?The profound feeling we experience when we observe the kindness of others leads us to become part of the chain of kindness. Our hearts can be touched and inspired at any time once we realize that kindness is everywhere.
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Tripp Advice (Youtube)
What To Say To A Woman On Your First Date
Here are some things to say on a first date for you to get to know her better and build a stronger connection with her. The first part is the actual line and the second part is going to be up to you to fill in.
Links:
List of values: http://www.threadsculture.com/blog/company-culture/core-values-list-threads/
➖ @expertadvice ➖
Rock Your Emptiness
“Can you speak about emptiness?” a young woman asked at my talk. As those words came out, she circled her hands in front of her stomach, as if she was rubbing a hollow belly.
“Is it numbness or emptiness that you’re feeling?” I asked. A key distinction. Numbness is the result of being overloaded— too much pain , too much information, too much medication. Emptiness is very different.
Her response was poetic. She wasn’t stressed, or heavy about it, she was truly curious about her experience, “I feel this emptiness when I walk through the world, like the wind is blowing right through me.” Ohhh. I know that gusting.
“Well, I could be wrong, and this may sound perverse, but I’m excited for you. Because this…” and I waved my hands around my torso, “THIS is spaciousness. And it’s a powerful thing.”
“Sunyata” is a Sanskrit term for emptiness. It speaks to the concept of not having a “self”, the voidness of being. You could say it’s one of the aims of enlightenment itself, a supremely big deal. But most of us are terrified of going there.
✅Much of our personal and global (same thing) problems are a result of trying to stuff our emptiness—with food, power, noise, gadgets. We cram our lives with people—virtual, in-person, strangers on screens, so we don’t have to be alone. We’re raised to fill the void. Like little robots. Fill void, fill void.
But what if we rocked our emptiness? Felt the perimeter of ourselves. Relished the silence. Made friends with the peace that’s always waiting for us. What if we got off on the discomfort of our emptiness and let it be creative tension ?
Maybe we’re just one mental reframe away from turning our universal emptiness into personal power.
“Because, you’re not empty. You’re full of space,” I said to the girl who was feeling the elements of life moving through her core. “Which means that you can walk around feeling like anything is possible.”
“Ohhh. I like that,” she said. “Empty, but full of possibility .”
SO full.
This question was asked by a friend and we are trying to get answers.
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Business people you don’t know … yet
If you're really serious about finding the next great business idea, reach out to individuals beyond your own business network.
"Many innovators, especially young tech startups, are surprised to learn how easy it is to open doors and have conversations in industry," . "There are very few successful business people who won't take a meeting when someone asks, ‘Can you spare 30 minutes to help me understand what works well, and what doesn't, in your industry today?'"
As your idea develops, feedback from these people helps you determine whether it's good or not, because you are attempting to solve their real-world problems.
"And if you can solve real-world problems for successful business people, then you have a great business idea,"
An often-overlooked source of new business connections that could lead to good business ideas is your own local community. Take a look at people who are often quoted in your local media, including business award winners. "I find it most useful to contact them about three weeks afterwards, when the immediate congratulations have quieted down,".
Outside of work
Getting frustrated because you just can't find that great business idea? Stop looking for it.
"One cannot find a great business idea, a great business idea finds you," said Greg Isenberg, a 25-year-old award-winning serial entrepreneur, founder of Wall Street Survivor and CEO of mobile video app 5by.com . He suggested finding a quiet spot outside to get your creative ideas flowing.
"Usually the best ideas are conceived with a pad of paper and pen while in a calm, isolated area, like the countryside or the beach," he said. "The best ideas flow when you’re out of your usual physical spaces like your local coffee shop or your home."
🍂
Tripp Advice (Youtube)
The Eye Contact Secret “Players” Use
There’s no better way of connecting with a girl than looking at her in the eye. There's a way of doing that that is very seductive and now I'm going to share it with you and explain why it works so well.
Tripp's Tension Technique: http://www.trippadvice.com/tension-technique
➖ @expertadvice ➖
✨ 5 Tips To Stay Positive In Negative Situations
#productivity ,#selfimprovement
Negative situations happen all the time. We can’t avoid them, so how can we counteract their negative effect on our lives and our attitudes? Learning the power of positive thinking helps us stay positive even in the midst of tragedy. Learning how to stay positive in negative situations is invaluable in leading a healthy lifestyle.
Here are 5 ways you can achieve this:
1. Have a positive support group.
It’s important to have a positive support group to help each other through difficult times. Notice I said a “positive” support group. Surrounding yourself with positive people will help you stay positive when in a negative situation. There are plenty of negative people out there—avoid them! Their negative attitudes will only bring you down and be counterproductive to what you are trying to achieve by practicing positive thinking.
2. Express what you are grateful for.
Even in the worst of times, most of us realize that we still have things in our lives for which we are grateful. Voice those blessings! Practice gratitude. Talk about the things you are grateful for with your closest friends, your support group. Keep a gratitude journal to capture the thankfulness you feel for what you have on a daily basis. Actively acknowledging what you’re grateful for will help you to always have a grateful mind and heart, even when bad things happen.
3. Retrain your mind.
Are you a person who continually beats yourself up mentally? Do you constantly question your actions? Believe me, I’ve been there. Nobody needs to call me stupid, because I can do that just fine myself! Retrain your brain to stop doing that to yourself. The more you talk negatively to yourself, the more that negativity will become a part of you. Instead, practice the power of positive thinking. Any time a negative thought comes into your mind, replace it with a positive one. At some point, this will become more natural as your brain automatically turns a negative into a positive.
4. Exercise your body and mind.
We know that exercise is good for our bodies, but what about our minds? Sure, it is! It releases those natural endorphins in our brains that make us feel better. Exercise has physical as well as mental and emotional benefits. Getting out there and moving around will keep your body in better shape, as well as boosting your self-esteem for having the discipline to exercise. You might try adding yoga into your exercise routine now and then to help you learn to really focus and meditate. Exercise is an excellent way to fight the negative effects of bad situations.
5. Accept and find solutions.
Many of us are resistant to changes in our lives. What we must do is learn to accept that change will happen. Haven’t you heard that “the only constant in life is change”? There is a lot of truth to that, as we continually go through changes, whether good or bad. Accepting that changes are a part of life can help us to relax and be more accepting. Try to look for the positive aspect. For example, if you’re in a bad job situation, what do you do? Accept it and try to make it better? Possibly. Or maybe this is the chance to make a change for yourself and look for that job you really want.
More tragic changes, such as death, will throw us off even worse, but when our brains are practiced on how to stay positive in negative situations, even tragedy won’t destroy us. With the power of positive thinking, we can learn to put negative situations in perspective … and to deal with them as they arise.
5 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Alive
#Dating
Got a good thing going with your girl? Tap into these five science-backed relationship strategies so you don't screw it up!
It makes you happier with each passing day, needs constant upkeep to maintain its mojo, and provides you with endless entertainment. No, we aren’t talking about an Audi R8 sports car—we’re talking about your relationship . If you’re in a good one, making it last longterm isn't rocket science—really. In fact, I found research to back that up.
Scientists at the University of Illinois recently analyzed 45 studies and 12,273 reports on relationships and narrowed down their findings into five strategies for keeping the bond strong with your significant other.
According to the pros, here are the best strategies to include in your relationship game plan:
1. Clear the air. Talk about whatever's on your mind, even if it’s just that you’re annoyed she left her makeup all over the bathroom counter. Putting it off will only force you to bottle up emotions and that could lead to passive aggressive actions later on.
2. Get happy.
If you’re pissed off, chances are your crappy mood will rub off on everyone around you, including your girlfriend. Sure, sometimes a bad mood is unavoidable, but do your best to stay positive..especially on date night.
3. Divide and conquer.
Who knew that simply divying up chores could help your relationship? Taking part in shared responsibilities reminds her that you’re committed—and it gets things around the house done a heck of a lot faster which will make her even happier.
4. Mix it up.
Of course you love your one-on-one time with her, but including friends and family in your activities can actually help you out as a couple. It shows your girlfriend that you are interested in the people she cares about and gives her the opportunity to get to know your crew as well.
5. Leave no doubts.
Simply put, make sure she knows that you are 100% into her—and not just for her looks. Encourage her to achieve her own goals and lend support whenever she needs it most. You don’t have to make an elaborate production out of building her up; a sum of small daily gestures should do the trick.
So, what’s the end result of all these rules? A rock solid relationship. If it all sounds like too much to take on at once, don't panic. Just start with one strategy and build your way up. The University of Illinois study found that a person who practices one of the strategies is more likely to practice the others as well, so one may be enough! Fights over dirty dishes and leaving the toilet seat up or down will still ensue, but in the long run remember that it’s the effort that counts.
🔹 Wanting Is a Trap🔹
#happiness
But There’s a Simple Way Out
Imagine you’re at your favorite restaurant. It’s Friday, the end of a long week, and you look forward to eating your best-loved dish: pan-seared salmon. You place your order with the waiter. He breaks the bad news: “I’m so sorry, we sold out of salmon this evening.”
What would your initial reaction be?
You might tell yourself, “But I wanted pan-seared salmon!” You might even say this out loud. You might draw the conclusion that life is unfair (or at least tonight is). You might even consider leaving the restaurant and eating elsewhere.
This scenario describes the pitfalls associated with wants. In this post, I’ll describe what wants are, how they cause us suffering, and how we can suffer less.
The Dark Side of Wants
In the restaurant, you were told the kitchen is out of your favorite dish. From the point of a view of a want, this would be very bad news.
"But what’s wrong with wanting things?” you may ask.
The problem with wants is if they are not met, they will cause you to suffer. This is because wanting shifts happiness elsewhere. It’s as if happiness were in a box, ready for you to open right away. But instead, you kept the box closed and moved it to another room.
At one point in your life, you’ve probably found yourself saying, “If only I had (insert thought here), I’d be happy.” Unfortunately, saying this means you’re not finding happiness in the moment. Rather, you’re preoccupied thinking of what will make you happy right now. You’re deferring happiness and in the meantime, you’re feeling uneasy, unhappy, or even downright miserable. In other words, your wants are causing you to suffer.
So Are You Telling Me to Stop Wanting?,
Wanting, desiring, and craving are universal tropes. From the world’s oldest religions to the latest top-40 hit, wanting is a theme that appears over and over again. The bottom line is stopping wanting is easier said than done. So rather than suggesting that you cease wanting as if it were a light switch you can effortlessly turn off, I have an interim step:
Replace your wants with preferences.
In the restaurant scenario, “I want pan-seared salmon” would turn into “I prefer pan-seared salmon.” With this subtle shift, you move toward what you want. At the same time, when it’s not available to you, you adjust.
From the perspective of a preference instead of a want, the news may be disappointing at first. But because you realize that wants create suffering, you remain open to what life is presenting you at the moment.
The server says, “Although we’re out of salmon, we have a wonderful ahi ahi dish.” So you order to alternative dish. Although your preference wasn’t fulfilled, you enjoy the ahi ahi because you didn’t attach your happiness to a particular set of circumstances. Rather, you decided to enjoy your meal regardless of whether your preference was met.
Choose Happiness
Shifting from wants to preferences isn’t an act of complacency. It doesn’t require you to be a pushover. In fact, you can still work toward accomplishing a particular goal or seeking a particular outcome. But when life throws new information your way, preferences give you the ability change course without making you miserable. And, as you’ve probably experienced yourself, encountering unexpected circumstances—both good and bad—is a normal part of life. As the saying goes, “We plan. God laughs.”
Wants place happiness on hold. Preferences bring happiness to the front of the line. You can be attached to something you want, or you can stop the cycle of suffering. But you can’t do both. The choice is yours. Freedom comes from realizing happiness is always present, all the time.
Tripp Advice (Youtube)
Great Comeback To Use When A Girl Busts On You
Have you ever been talking to a girl and she busts on you or she teases you? Today, we’re going to go over how to have a great comeback and how to pass some of these tests that a woman gives.
➖ @expertadvice ➖
👌 This Type of Exercise Changes Your Brain—for the Better!
All exercise improves cognition, but one type does it better than others.
It is well established that exercise preserves and can also improve memory and other cognitive functions and can help slow the progression of mild cognitive impairment as well as Alzheimer’s disease. But now researchers are beginning to understand which types of exercises are best for brain health , and why. A study presented at the November 2016 Radiological Society of North America annual meeting found that while both stretching and aerobic exercises preserve and potentially improve brain volume by increasing the amount of gray matter in most areas of the brain, aerobic exercise does it best.
The small study, performed by researchers at Wake Forest School of Medicine, included 34 adults with an average age over 60 and mild cognitive impairment. Sixteen participants exercised four times a week for six months on a treadmill, stationary bike or elliptical machine. The remaining nineteen participants did stretching exercises for the same amount of time.
For both groups of exercisers, analyses using a new MRI technique, performed at the onset of the study and again after six months, showed changes in the volume of gray matter in most areas of the brain, including the area that sustains short-term memory. But aerobic exercise produced more extensive brain changes than stretching, and the aerobic participants actually displayed improved executive functioning upon testing after the six months of exercise, while the stretching group showed no improvement. The researchers speculate this might be because MRI results for the stretching group indicated some atrophy within the brain’s white matter( the nerve cell bundles that connect the gray areas), which was not indicated on the MRIs of the aerobic group.
💃 Emotionally Abusive Relationships - Part One
A silent killer of self-esteem.
Recently I was sitting in a Starbucks catching up on my e-mail when it became impossible not to overhear the conversation happening in such close proximity at the next table. A young couple was engaged in the seemingly benign task of deciding what kind of coffees to order. What grabbed my attention was the subtle but powerful way in which the husband continually dismissed his wife’s timid declaration about what she wanted to drink. “I’ll have a latte,” she said in a whisper. “You don't really want a latte,” he said with calm authority, “You claim you want a latte but then you never finish it,” he added without humor . “I don't want to order something you’re not gonna drink.” His wife dropped her head and took on a kind of collapsed body posture. It sounded like a father chastising a small child. She immediately acquiesced, “Okay, then don't order me anything.”
For the next 20 minutes they sat there. He took his time with his large coffee drink and she patiently waited, drinking nothing. He took out his phone and focused on it as if she weren’t there. The few times she tried to initiate conversation he either ignored her or put up his hand and subtly shook his head no, a clear non-verbal sign that let her know she was interrupting him and whatever he was attending to on his phone was more important. When he was finished he said, “Okay, let’s go.” She dutifully got up and followed a few steps behind him as they left the coffee shop.
In all honesty there were several different times when I wanted to intervene. Despite the fact that he never raised his voice, I could sense how controlling he was and how submissive she needed to be. Looking at it through a therapeutic lens it was a powerful example of an emotionally abusive relationship. These are relationships that can seem unremarkable to the outside world. She had no visible signs of physical trauma , although I would argue that her constricted body language and timid voice spoke volumes. They were both very well dressed and the scenario of sitting in Starbucks seemed innocent enough. He never yelled at her and his dismissive gestures were extremely subtle. Probably to an untrained eye, the entire encounter would have been ignored.
Although emotional abuse can be subtle the impact is profound and can create intense self-doubt, fear , anxiety, anger , and depression .
I have worked with many women and several men, too, who were genuinely surprised at my suggestion that they were in an emotionally abusive relationship. The word “abusive” is most often associated with overt behaviors that cause physical harm. But dynamics of control, intimidation, treating a partner as “less than,” financially withholding, minimizing or belittling their thoughts, feelings, and needs are important signs that are often rationalized or excused by the victim. They are, in fact, indicators of emotional abuse that may or may not escalate to other manifestations of maltreatment.
Everyone has the right to feel safe, respected, validated, understood, and supported in their personal relationships. No one has the right to use power or control to manipulate, subjugate, or demean their partner. Although emotional abuse can be subtle the impact is profound and can create intense self-doubt, fear, anxiety, anger, and depression. If you are in a relationship where it doesn’t feel safe or productive to use your voice, or you’ve been made to feel unworthy, I urge you to get the support you deserve so you can re-claim your dignity, your voice, and your basic human rights.
In Part Two of this series, we will review some of the signs of emotional abuse in more detail.
Anna:
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