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The Betrayal Of My Best Friend ...
I recently experienced some serious betrayal. My best friend told some pretty big lies (laced with some small truths) to my "Friend". He wasn't my boyfriend, but he was the biggest part of my life. Anyway, so my best friend told him some heinous things about me and he cut off all contact with me, changed his phone number, etc. He didn't even ask me for the truth! And my friend lied to my face and swore she did not tell him. Unfortunately, the small truths, like me and her bullying others, she interspersed with the lies were facts only known to her, and she'd threatened to tell him before, once she was angry with me.
I moved, I did the stuff exchange, I said good riddance to both of them and have tried to move on. I mean, with friends like these, who needs enemies? I am fortunate enough to have lots of good people in my life who have stood by me -- a good family, good friends who didn't believe the lies, etc. On the outside, I have moved on.
But it's midnight and I am sitting in my car writing this, listening to "Both Sides Now" by Joni Mitchell on repeat. Things are not OK. I am not OK. The two people I have loved the most over these past three years are gone. And I don't even really know why. I spend lots of money, I don't sleep, the eating disorder I have worked so hard to beat is rearing its head, and I feel like every day I am putting on a show - -- even, sometimes, for myself. I tell myself that I am better off, that things are looking up, I go to a therapist who encourages me to stay present, I run, I listen to happy songs and try to get outside as much as I can. But the heart wants what it wants, and what it wants is to not feel like love is a sham.
I am scared to trust people. I am scared to let anyone really know how much I am hurting -- I am afraid that they will hurt me or leave me too. I am ashamed that I was fucked over this badly -- ashamed that I still, for all intents and purposes -- don't have a clue as to why this happened, as to what I could have done to deserve the calumny of betrayal, and worse the lack of trust (why didn't he just come to me?).
I don't think there's anything to be done that isn't already being done, but I'd love some perspective if anyone has some.
My cousin says some people are untrustworthy, but not all people. Some people are very trustworthy. So you are in a painful situation, but you have done some good things and all you need to do now is take care of yourself and do the things you are doing, and be patient and pay attention and not go off the rails while you heal. Stay present, she keeps telling me.
@american
May be so, May be not, We will see ...
A farmer and his son had a beloved stallion who helped the family earn a living. One day, the horse ran away and their neighbors exclaimed, "Your horse ran away, what terrible luck!" The farmer replied, "Maybe so, maybe not. We'll see."
A few days later, the horse returned home, leading a few wild mares back to the farm as well. The neighbors shouted out, "Your horse has returned, and brought several horses home with him. What great luck!" The farmer replied, "Maybe so, maybe not. We'll see."
Later that week, the farmer's son was trying to break one of the mares and she threw him to the ground, breaking his leg. The villagers cried, "Your son broke his leg, what terrible luck!" The farmer replied, "Maybe so, maybe not. We'll see."
A few weeks later, soldiers from the national army marched through town, recruiting all the able-bodied boys for the army. They did not take the farmer's son, still recovering from his injury. Friends shouted, "Your boy is spared, what tremendous luck!" To which the farmer replied, "Maybe so, maybe not. We'll see."
The moral of this story, is, of course, that no event, in and of itself, can truly be judged as good or bad, lucky or unlucky, fortunate or unfortunate, but that only time will tell the whole story. Additionally, no one really lives long enough to find out the ‘whole story,' so it could be considered a great waste of time to judge minor inconveniences as misfortunes or to invest tons of energy into things that look outstanding on the surface, but may not pay off in the end.
The wiser thing, then, is to live life in moderation, keeping as even a temperament as possible, taking all things in stride, whether they originally appear to be good or bad. Life is much more comfortable and comforting if we merely accept what we're given and make the best of our life circumstances. Rather than always having to pass judgement on things and declare them as good or bad, it would be better to just sit back and say, "It will be interesting to see what happens."
@american
Home For The Holidays
It was the middle of December two weeks ago. I had some old Christmas records playing. A light snow was falling outside but I didn’t mind. I was getting ready to head to my cousin's college to bring her home for the holidays.
The weather forecast had only called for light flurries and I was an almost experienced driver in snow so I wasn’t worried as me and my two other cousins put on our coats and walked down to the car. As we got out on the road, however, I realized that the weather forecast had been wrong. The light flurries had turned into heavy snow squalls falling fast and covering the roads. The snow plows were rapidly falling behind and I knew at once that it wasn’t going to be an easy drive.
It was a 3 hour round trip to my cousin’s college, but I knew it was going to be a lot longer today as I slowed my car to match the slickness of the roads. The narrow mountain road I usually took as a short cut hadn’t been plowed at all so I stayed on the main roadways knowing it would add another hour to my trip. Once I was on the interstate, though, conditions only worsened. I slowed down further but four wheel drive trucks sped past me throwing huge showers of slush onto my windshield. I slowed my breathing and tried not to grip the steering wheel too hard. During the last 20 miles the road switched back to two lanes and I suddenly found myself behind a very inexperienced Winter driver. Instead of driving slow and adjusting when he hit a slick spot he was braking hard and swerving all over the road. I stopped hard myself to keep from hitting him and slid off the asphalt into a ditch.
I tried pulling out again and again but could only hear spinning tires. I was half-way out in the road and a truck zoomed by us missing the car by inches. I looked at my two cousins with my heart pounding in my chest and prayed: “God, I really need your help right now!” I tried to pull out again and miraculously the car stared to move. It felt as if it was almost being pushed out of the ditch. I pulled back on the road and said: “Thank you God!”
By the time I reached the college the sun was out and the plows were beginning to get the roads clear again. I picked up my cousin and slowly headed home. When we arrived the dog greeted us happily at the door and I could see the Christmas tree lights blinking brightly. It felt so good to be safe and home again. I could feel God’s love all around me and within me as well.
In his book, “The Story of the Other Wise Man” author Henry Van Dyke wrote: “He who walks in love may wander far, Yet God will bring him where the blessed are.” Wherever you go then and however dangerous your journeys may be always remember that you are watched over by God with a love more powerful and more beautiful than you can ever imagine.
@american
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9 Questions we should ask ourselves before the NewYear!
It is the end of the year, which for many is hectic and chaotic, but it is also one of the best times to reflect and re-evaluate. In the spirit of making 2018 your best year yet, ask yourself these nine questions:
Am I who I want to be?
Most of the time we are so busy just trying to catch up that we don’t give ourselves permission to actually sit down and examine our life and the choices we’ve made leading up to this moment. Think about your big picture and who you want to be in this world. Are you taking steps each day to create this vision, or are you stuck in a routine? 2018 promises to be a year of abundant success if we go forward courageously and choose to embrace the next phases of our life.
Have I released the anger at my parents, my ex, myself?
We sometimes hold on to anger because it is the only thing we have left of the person. I spent almost two years angry at one of my exes until I recognized that the rage was the only thing that kept him in my life. It wasn’t until I turned to forgiveness and released the energetic hold that I was able to feel more free.
So many of us live for others.
The same goes with family and friends—are you holding on to anger because it makes you feel justified and right? Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is let go of the situation by forgiving the other person. When we are willing to forgive others, we aren't saying what they did is OK. We are saying that we value ourselves too much to waste any more time on this situation.
Do I worry too much about what other people think?
So many of us live for others. We actually put other people’s ideas, perceptions, and judgments in front of our own. But playing small serves no one. When we worry about what other people think, we relinquish control of our own future.
Ask yourself how much time you spend thinking about others’ reactions to something you haven’t even done yet. Then, instead of obsessing about what might happen, pay attention to what is happening right now. If you are stuck in worry, you could be missing it.
Am I living where I want to live?
This is a question most of us don’t always ask because we get so busy paying the bills and mortgages, just trying to stay afloat, but studies show that our environment plays a large role in our personal happiness. As we enter the new year, think about locations and places you’ve thought about going to or living in.
What do I really want to do with my life?
Are you in a job that fulfills you—or one that leaves you feeling drained? Choosing a careerthat uplifts you, one that you are passionate about, is a big part of crafting a fulfilling life. Don’t be afraid to listen to that inner voice, the one that says to start that blog, train to be a coach, change careers, etc. This is the year to go for it.
What am I avoiding or afraid to look at?
Most of us have areas of our life we don’t really think about, things we sweep under the rug. But ignoring certain aspects of ourselves can cause us to overeat, overspend, and overwork, you name it. This vicious cycle causes us to stay stuck in guilt, shame, and fear. Ask yourself, "What part of my life have I been ignoring?" Go deep into the situation you’ve been afraid to address and allow yourself to feel the pain and recognize there is purpose to it.
Trust that who you really are is who the world needs.
@american
When you love somebody ...
James Taylor-Watts is a British singer-songwriter who records under the name of James TW. He was championed by Shawn Mendes, after the Canadian came across the videos of his songs that he'd posted on YouTube. Taylor-Watts was signed by Island Records in 2015 after Mendes recommended him to his record company.
Taylor-Watts wrote this song for a young drum pupil of his in order to help him through a tough time. He recalled to Genius:
"The song was written about a kid I used to teach drums to a few years ago to earn a bit of pocket money while I was doing school This one boy, he was 11 at the time, I found out his parents were getting a divorce before he knew it was going to happen, so I wondered how his parents were going to tell him in a positive way and in a way someone like him who knows nothing about relationships or love would understand. I wanted it to be a song he could listen to, to feel better about the situation.
The tricky part was writing a song about something that a lot of people view as a negative thing and saying sometimes it is for the best. It can be a good thing when divorce happens because it means the child will be a in a more comfortable environment in the long run."
Taylor-Watts recalled the moment in Los Angeles, when he first saw how the lyrics resonated with others.
"This was the first song I played in a music industry office and a grown man cried in front of me—that was a breathtaking moment for me," he said. "I've never seen any of my songs do that to a person. I loved the fact that I drew that out of someone in three minutes."
@american
Know Your Worth And Always Believe
I'm feeling inspired to write a post today as the cold London winter is slowly trickling in. Since the Holidays are fast approaching, I think it's important we take the time to reflect on our selves, on our year, our accomplishments as well as our challenges, as we look towards 2018.
I think sometimes we get caught up in the fast life where we're constantly being pressured to perform better, compete with others and trying to live up to impossible expectations. Sometimes we forget about the things that make up happy, the passion and pure love we have for them because we unfortunately live in a society where greed, criticism and hatred thrives. It's that vicious cycle of low self-esteem, lack of motivation and inspiration, self-doubt and failures. Sometimes it feels like it's impossible to even see any success out of constant set backs and so what a lot of us do, is we run. We quit because we can't handle the pressure. We think quiting is the only option.
But... what if I told you that quitting isn't the only option? What if I told you that perverseness and hard-work can get you anywhere you dream and you'll one day be truly happy? Would you believe me?
The thing about that is it's also a quite naive idea because nothing in life comes easy. Nothing in life is ever linear. We're trained and educated to think linearly. But that's not reality.
In truth our lives and the world we live in is so nonlinear it sometimes feel we're being thrown in different directions.
The past three years of my life have definitely been the hardest but my outlook on life has completely changed, and for the better.
After losing my Grandpa to stage four lung cancer, I've met and heard stories from people alike and people different all with different perspectives, experiences and ideas. But what made every single story and person so empowering was the idea that in spite of tragedy, loss or hardship, the power of the human spirit and the inner strength and resilience that can be built amazed me. I no longer looked at myself as a lost cause. As someone not worthy of love or happiness. Grief didn't define or control my life. I didn't have to be ashamed of who I am.
My grandpa died when I was in my Senior year in college. I was going through growing up and experiencing so many new and overwhelming things for the first time in my life and that combined with his death, made me very fragile and vulnerable. I struggled with wanting so bad to be normal but trying to grasp that this was reality and the hard challenge of coping with this loss.
My grandpa was my best friend. Whenever I was unsure or sad, he always reassured me. He never let me give up. He was always by my side, supporting and believing in whatever I did.
After he died, I no longer had someone to reassure me. To wipe away my tears. To push me to keep going. And so I stopped. I stopped believing in myself and eventually I didn't want to be alive. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of fear, pain, anger, sadness and isolation. My anxiety and depression began to eat me alive. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I couldn't sleep at night. I picked away at every thought and every emotion, so overwhelmed I went numb. I was scared. Everything at home was different. My family felt like slowly falling apart. We all lost a little bit of ourselves.
And so my journey to healing and self-discovery began. It took so many social workers, counselors, compassionate teachers, friends, a camp and many tears later to realize that I still had a life worth living. The amount of support I received from the community around me helped me to turn my life around.
And trust me it hasn't been easy and I know that I still have so much more to discover and grasp about my loss. But I got a whole lifetime and heck if I learned this much in three years I wonder where I'll be 10 years from now? And yes, if you haven't noticed already I am a dreamer. I am a hopeful and very cliche person but all that I'm sharing is from experience.
And finally, I simply just want to live. Live
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A Wholesome Update From A Former Babysitter
When I was 12 I babysat this girl for a few years and she would come to me and show me her art, drag me by my wrists and point at the pieces she'd made during the week. And she'd be like "do the voice" and I'd put on a sports-announcer olympics-style voice and be like "Such form! This level of coloring! Why I haven't seen such perfection in crayola in a long time. And what is this? Why Donya, now this is a true risk… it seems she's made … a monochrome pink canvas…. I haven't seen this attempted since winter 1932… and I gotta say, Donya, it's absolutely splendid" and she'd fall back giggling.
At the end of every night she'd check with me: "Did you really like it?" And I'd say yes and talk about something I had noticed and tucked her in.
Years passed and I forgot about those silly days. The other day I received a letter from her telling me that she was just accepted into 3 major art schools, she wrote me Inside was a picture from when she was younger. Monochrome pink.
"Thank you," it said, "to somebody who saw the best in me."
@american
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Be Compassionate ...
Choose Love...
As I was pulling into school, I was following this car. The sign in the back window says, "Learning stick sorry for any delay."
Knowing this information, I was very patient with their slow shifting, and honestly they were doing pretty well for still learning. Then I asked myself a tough question: Would I have been just as patient if the sign hadn't been there? I can almost definitely say no.
We don't know what someone is going through. We don't wear signs that illustrate our personal struggles. You don't see signs taped to people's shirts that say "Going through a divorce" or "Lost a child" or "Feeing depressed" or "Diagnosed with cancer."
If we could read visually what those around us are going through we would definitely be nicer. But we shouldn't have to see signs and have reasons to treat strangers with kindness. We should do it anyway, whether we know what is going on or not. Whether they deserve it or not.
Let's give everyone an extra dose of patience, kindness and love.
You are being presented with a choice: either evolve, or remain. If you choose to remain unchanged, you will be presented with the same challenges, the same routine, the same storms, the same situations .. until you learn from them. Until you love yourself enough to say "no more", until you choose change. If you choose to evolve, you will connect with the strength within you. You will explore what lies outside the comfort zone, you will awaken to love, you will become, you will be. You have everything you need. Choose to evolve. Choose love.
@american
HAPPY NEW YEAR 🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂✨⚡️✨⚡️✨⚡️✨⚡️✨⚡️✨⚡️✨⚡️✨⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️✨⚡️✨⚡️✨⚡️✨⚡️✨⚡️✨⚡️✨⚡️✨⚡️✨⚡️✨⚡️✨⚡️✨
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Am I prioritizing my health?
Staying healthy and practicing self-love is paramount to a successful life. Self-love is simply an appreciation for and acceptance of who you are, as you are. It is embracing who you are in each moment. When you practice self-love, you feel more balanced, you live with more joy, and you feel a natural peace within you. Start the year by asking yourself how you can cultivate more self-compassion and practice self-love.
How do I want to be remembered?
How do you want to be remembered? Being you requires courage, but the freedom that comes from it will be worth it. The more you show up as your authentic self, the more your life will flow. Trust that who you really are is who the world needs.
What's something I've always wanted to do but haven't given myself permission to?
This question, when answered honestly, can radically change your life for the better. What is something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t yet? The inner critic, the fear part of us, always tries to sabotage us. It says that now isn’t the right time, or you don’t have enough money or clarity. These are just excuses for keeping us small. When it comes to your dreams, recognize they are signatures to your potential. The more you trust them and take steps to live them, the happier and more fulfilled you will be. And the happier you are, the happier those around you will be too.
Happy NewYear!
@american
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to finish school, follow my dreams and be apart of change in the world. I want anyone out there who may be struggling, I want you to know that you have a purpose. There is only one of you and your uniqueness is what makes you beautiful. You don't have to conform to society's social norms and stereotypical boxes. You don't have to feel pressured be like anyone else or live up to any standards. You set the standard and the goal for yourself. You know your ability and limitations and don't ever let anything hold you back.
Lastly, remember your story and your voice matters. I'll leave you with this question: Now, what would your story be?
@american
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Six Months Can Significantly Change Your Life
As somebody who’s spent a great deal of time being unemployed, underemployed, or an aimless student, I have felt the pangs of boredom and feeling like I’m spinning my tires in the mud and doing nothing with my life. And of course, with every aimless day running into each other, it’s incredible how fast the days turn into weeks which turn into months and eventually, years.
I’ve seen people accept it and just do nothing, and time gets away from you. You can spend your entire life saying that “Oh it’s too hard, I’m not going to do it,” or, “I’ll start tomorrow.”
After all, people want to see instantaneous results, which aren’t going to happen.
But the good news is, six months is enough to turn an incredible amount of stuff in your life around for the better if you want to. And if you’ve ever been unemployed or had a lot of spare, aimless time, you know how quickly six months can feel so why not make something out of it?
A few years ago, I went to see my academic adviser in college and by my calculations, I had a couple of courses left to take to graduate with my BS. in mechanical engineering. Nope. Turns out I miscalculated and I had something like nine courses left. I felt completely dejected. I wanted to just say, screw it and give up on getting my degree. But then I told my Mom, hoping that she would say something to affirm my feelings, something like, “yeah hun that sucks you should totally quit”. But instead she said something like, “Well either you can sulk about it or you can get it done.”
I took more courses than I ever had, and within six months I was finished my final course, and got my BS at 17 years of age.
After college graduation, I didn’t have the experience to go into my field to get an incredible job out the gate. Six months of volunteering while doing my madters got me the reference to change that. And a few months at that first low-paying job got me into my second, much better job while wrapping up my masters.
I had to work for free for a little bit, and then work a low-paying job in my field before I could step up, but I did it. But people don’t want to take those small steps, they think, “Oh well I don’t want to waste my time volunteering – it won’t help me out.”
I have a friend of mine who I use as an example. He’s been complaining about the lack of jobs, the lack of opportunities, the lack of progress, and the abysmal economy, whatever. This has been going on for years. While you’re complaining and doing nothing about it, you’re not getting anywhere, except older. I have been trying to get him to volunteer, to take lower paying jobs to pad his resume and get some cash reserves, to do whatever. If it’s not the top-tier position or something incredibly worthwhile, he’s not into it. But I give up because I can’t keep on him.
This isn’t just about work experience, though. You’re fat and want to lose weight? Lots of people don’t see results right away so they give up. Think about if you keep on and getting better, eating better, exercising more, cutting out more junk, how much you’ll progress in six months. I’m just over two weeks into cutting out junk, exercising vigorously, and drinking plenty of water. I have lost ten pounds already and feel incredible. But it’s just the beginning.
Want to quit smoking? Imagine if you start today, how much healthier you will be in six months.
Bottom line is this – no it won’t be overnight. No, it won’t be easy. But six months isn’t THAT long. But it’s long enough to make some incredible changes to your health, to your work experience, to your life in a positive, meaningful way. You can change SO much in that time.
@American
Hey, Don’t ever let someone tell you that you can’t do something. Not even me. You got a dream, you gotta protect it. When people can’t do something themselves, they’re gonna tell you that you can’t do it. You want something, go get it. Period. – Will Smith
(The Pursuit of Happyness)
@american