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9 Questions we should ask ourselves before the NewYear!
It is the end of the year, which for many is hectic and chaotic, but it is also one of the best times to reflect and re-evaluate. In the spirit of making 2018 your best year yet, ask yourself these nine questions:
Am I who I want to be?
Most of the time we are so busy just trying to catch up that we don’t give ourselves permission to actually sit down and examine our life and the choices we’ve made leading up to this moment. Think about your big picture and who you want to be in this world. Are you taking steps each day to create this vision, or are you stuck in a routine? 2018 promises to be a year of abundant success if we go forward courageously and choose to embrace the next phases of our life.
Have I released the anger at my parents, my ex, myself?
We sometimes hold on to anger because it is the only thing we have left of the person. I spent almost two years angry at one of my exes until I recognized that the rage was the only thing that kept him in my life. It wasn’t until I turned to forgiveness and released the energetic hold that I was able to feel more free.
So many of us live for others.
The same goes with family and friends—are you holding on to anger because it makes you feel justified and right? Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is let go of the situation by forgiving the other person. When we are willing to forgive others, we aren't saying what they did is OK. We are saying that we value ourselves too much to waste any more time on this situation.
Do I worry too much about what other people think?
So many of us live for others. We actually put other people’s ideas, perceptions, and judgments in front of our own. But playing small serves no one. When we worry about what other people think, we relinquish control of our own future.
Ask yourself how much time you spend thinking about others’ reactions to something you haven’t even done yet. Then, instead of obsessing about what might happen, pay attention to what is happening right now. If you are stuck in worry, you could be missing it.
Am I living where I want to live?
This is a question most of us don’t always ask because we get so busy paying the bills and mortgages, just trying to stay afloat, but studies show that our environment plays a large role in our personal happiness. As we enter the new year, think about locations and places you’ve thought about going to or living in.
What do I really want to do with my life?
Are you in a job that fulfills you—or one that leaves you feeling drained? Choosing a careerthat uplifts you, one that you are passionate about, is a big part of crafting a fulfilling life. Don’t be afraid to listen to that inner voice, the one that says to start that blog, train to be a coach, change careers, etc. This is the year to go for it.
What am I avoiding or afraid to look at?
Most of us have areas of our life we don’t really think about, things we sweep under the rug. But ignoring certain aspects of ourselves can cause us to overeat, overspend, and overwork, you name it. This vicious cycle causes us to stay stuck in guilt, shame, and fear. Ask yourself, "What part of my life have I been ignoring?" Go deep into the situation you’ve been afraid to address and allow yourself to feel the pain and recognize there is purpose to it.
Trust that who you really are is who the world needs.
@american
When you love somebody ...
James Taylor-Watts is a British singer-songwriter who records under the name of James TW. He was championed by Shawn Mendes, after the Canadian came across the videos of his songs that he'd posted on YouTube. Taylor-Watts was signed by Island Records in 2015 after Mendes recommended him to his record company.
Taylor-Watts wrote this song for a young drum pupil of his in order to help him through a tough time. He recalled to Genius:
"The song was written about a kid I used to teach drums to a few years ago to earn a bit of pocket money while I was doing school This one boy, he was 11 at the time, I found out his parents were getting a divorce before he knew it was going to happen, so I wondered how his parents were going to tell him in a positive way and in a way someone like him who knows nothing about relationships or love would understand. I wanted it to be a song he could listen to, to feel better about the situation.
The tricky part was writing a song about something that a lot of people view as a negative thing and saying sometimes it is for the best. It can be a good thing when divorce happens because it means the child will be a in a more comfortable environment in the long run."
Taylor-Watts recalled the moment in Los Angeles, when he first saw how the lyrics resonated with others.
"This was the first song I played in a music industry office and a grown man cried in front of me—that was a breathtaking moment for me," he said. "I've never seen any of my songs do that to a person. I loved the fact that I drew that out of someone in three minutes."
@american
Know Your Worth And Always Believe
I'm feeling inspired to write a post today as the cold London winter is slowly trickling in. Since the Holidays are fast approaching, I think it's important we take the time to reflect on our selves, on our year, our accomplishments as well as our challenges, as we look towards 2018.
I think sometimes we get caught up in the fast life where we're constantly being pressured to perform better, compete with others and trying to live up to impossible expectations. Sometimes we forget about the things that make up happy, the passion and pure love we have for them because we unfortunately live in a society where greed, criticism and hatred thrives. It's that vicious cycle of low self-esteem, lack of motivation and inspiration, self-doubt and failures. Sometimes it feels like it's impossible to even see any success out of constant set backs and so what a lot of us do, is we run. We quit because we can't handle the pressure. We think quiting is the only option.
But... what if I told you that quitting isn't the only option? What if I told you that perverseness and hard-work can get you anywhere you dream and you'll one day be truly happy? Would you believe me?
The thing about that is it's also a quite naive idea because nothing in life comes easy. Nothing in life is ever linear. We're trained and educated to think linearly. But that's not reality.
In truth our lives and the world we live in is so nonlinear it sometimes feel we're being thrown in different directions.
The past three years of my life have definitely been the hardest but my outlook on life has completely changed, and for the better.
After losing my Grandpa to stage four lung cancer, I've met and heard stories from people alike and people different all with different perspectives, experiences and ideas. But what made every single story and person so empowering was the idea that in spite of tragedy, loss or hardship, the power of the human spirit and the inner strength and resilience that can be built amazed me. I no longer looked at myself as a lost cause. As someone not worthy of love or happiness. Grief didn't define or control my life. I didn't have to be ashamed of who I am.
My grandpa died when I was in my Senior year in college. I was going through growing up and experiencing so many new and overwhelming things for the first time in my life and that combined with his death, made me very fragile and vulnerable. I struggled with wanting so bad to be normal but trying to grasp that this was reality and the hard challenge of coping with this loss.
My grandpa was my best friend. Whenever I was unsure or sad, he always reassured me. He never let me give up. He was always by my side, supporting and believing in whatever I did.
After he died, I no longer had someone to reassure me. To wipe away my tears. To push me to keep going. And so I stopped. I stopped believing in myself and eventually I didn't want to be alive. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of fear, pain, anger, sadness and isolation. My anxiety and depression began to eat me alive. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I couldn't sleep at night. I picked away at every thought and every emotion, so overwhelmed I went numb. I was scared. Everything at home was different. My family felt like slowly falling apart. We all lost a little bit of ourselves.
And so my journey to healing and self-discovery began. It took so many social workers, counselors, compassionate teachers, friends, a camp and many tears later to realize that I still had a life worth living. The amount of support I received from the community around me helped me to turn my life around.
And trust me it hasn't been easy and I know that I still have so much more to discover and grasp about my loss. But I got a whole lifetime and heck if I learned this much in three years I wonder where I'll be 10 years from now? And yes, if you haven't noticed already I am a dreamer. I am a hopeful and very cliche person but all that I'm sharing is from experience.
And finally, I simply just want to live. Live
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A Wholesome Update From A Former Babysitter
When I was 12 I babysat this girl for a few years and she would come to me and show me her art, drag me by my wrists and point at the pieces she'd made during the week. And she'd be like "do the voice" and I'd put on a sports-announcer olympics-style voice and be like "Such form! This level of coloring! Why I haven't seen such perfection in crayola in a long time. And what is this? Why Donya, now this is a true risk… it seems she's made … a monochrome pink canvas…. I haven't seen this attempted since winter 1932… and I gotta say, Donya, it's absolutely splendid" and she'd fall back giggling.
At the end of every night she'd check with me: "Did you really like it?" And I'd say yes and talk about something I had noticed and tucked her in.
Years passed and I forgot about those silly days. The other day I received a letter from her telling me that she was just accepted into 3 major art schools, she wrote me Inside was a picture from when she was younger. Monochrome pink.
"Thank you," it said, "to somebody who saw the best in me."
@american
In short, everything becomes easier. The little things just fall to the wayside. The big things are more easily handled, especially because there isn’t a backlog of resentment and anger over previous unresolved issues. Comprende?
So how do you do this?
Well, Gottman teaches much of this in his workshops and writing. I do suggest that if you haven’t read it yet that you check out his book,The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. It includes excellent tips and guidance on creating and sustaining intimate relationships. You don’t have to be married to learn immensely from this book.
And, yes, having a healthy sex life is part of all this. Keep this in mind too, there are many things you can do that are flirtatious, intimate and nourishing besides just the act of sex. Foreplay is lots of fun and definitely helps set the tone for better lovemaking. It for sure creates more emotional intimacy which strengthens the bonds of lovemaking.
Personally, I know that my cousin's failed marriage would have benefitted enormously from more of the Gottman foundation-building work. They didn’t have the tools at that point though to go that route. It was sad to end a relationship with someone that he still had deep love for, but it was necessary. I’m hoping that you have and/or find the tools in your intimate relationships to foster a deep bond and foundation. And that you have a healthy and satisfying bond between the two of you .
@american
How important is being intimate in a marriage?
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An Unraveled Love...
“Dry those tears ” I said to her in a soft tone as she tried to hide them. "looks like a mess what’s wrong?"
I knew what was wrong though from the start. There’s no covering up how she flew through the front door and tore through the hall into her room before I could say hi. She had been my roommate for two years and she only did that after a break up. Its happened twice before the same story over and over.
She meets some muscle built guy or a slender partying one and falls in love not with them but their looks and due to that she goes out with them until she catches on to what they really are then they leave for a bunch of one night stands. And the worst part about it is I love her and treat her right but she’s not interested unless a guy has abs. I may not be perfect on the outside but inside lays a heart of gold that if she accepted she would have all of it.
She looked up slightly and finally said “dave left me”, hammer right on the nail I thought to myself, but right now it wasn’t about me. Putting my attention back to the matter at hand I asked her “well do you know why?”
Again a question asked for confirmation, “I walked in from work earlier than usual because of a shift change and thought I would surprise him with a romantic dinner which I had bought some wine for but instead I found him with another girl.”
She burst into tears again. Why does she cry over these guys and how does she not see that a real man has been there all along. I hug her for a minute trying not to let my emotions let her know how I feel because I don’t think she needed anymore complication. We both go to sleep which was most needed and then I woke up and decided to make breakfast and bed for her because maybe she slept off most of it and this would make the pain vanish completely. I went to her room with a breakfast of scrambled eggs just how she liked them and fresh orange juice with some turkey bacon because she didn’t like the regular.
I knocked on the door… No response then I knocked again… still nothing since the door had no lock I reached for the handle to go inside then I heard a raspy noise almost like a cough only it sounded like go away. I opened the door and immediately dropped the tray, for what was making the noise was gruesome, she was gray and propped up on her bed against the backboard in a sitting and slouching position around her strewn across the bed were a couple bottles of painkillers. I rushed to her and tried to talk to her but no response other than that wheezing noises was to far gone.
I still called the paramedics but she would be dead in a matter of seconds they wouldn’t make it quick enough. With tears in my eyes I took her hand it was cold as ice then putting it to my face I said I want to tell you that I’ve always loved you and wanted to be more to you than just a friend. I felt her body shift in pain she had 20 seconds now tops and I could hear the sirens they were close but not close enough she said one word as she pointed to the wall and that was hidden and with that I felt the life go out of her.
I wept and screamed like a madman pleading if there was a god give her back. But it was no use, the pare arrived and she was pronounced dead on the scene. All the while all I could think of was her last words and the ba**ard responsible for what she did. It was hard to focus though on what she meant by hidden and her finger though loose and seeming to just hang from her hand looked like she was pointing in the direction to a painting on the wall.
“I don't care” I said to myself, all I care about is justice for her. That night I went and bought a small revolver to seek my justice and seek it I did I found him in his house and shot both him and his playmate for the night. Then turning the gun to myself I heard sirens. One of the neighbors must’ve called the police. I cocked it and pulled the trigger nothing happened then I remembered before I came in I very quickly with nervous and shaky hands loaded the gun forgetting to put one in the chamber for
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Am I prioritizing my health?
Staying healthy and practicing self-love is paramount to a successful life. Self-love is simply an appreciation for and acceptance of who you are, as you are. It is embracing who you are in each moment. When you practice self-love, you feel more balanced, you live with more joy, and you feel a natural peace within you. Start the year by asking yourself how you can cultivate more self-compassion and practice self-love.
How do I want to be remembered?
How do you want to be remembered? Being you requires courage, but the freedom that comes from it will be worth it. The more you show up as your authentic self, the more your life will flow. Trust that who you really are is who the world needs.
What's something I've always wanted to do but haven't given myself permission to?
This question, when answered honestly, can radically change your life for the better. What is something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t yet? The inner critic, the fear part of us, always tries to sabotage us. It says that now isn’t the right time, or you don’t have enough money or clarity. These are just excuses for keeping us small. When it comes to your dreams, recognize they are signatures to your potential. The more you trust them and take steps to live them, the happier and more fulfilled you will be. And the happier you are, the happier those around you will be too.
Happy NewYear!
@american
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to finish school, follow my dreams and be apart of change in the world. I want anyone out there who may be struggling, I want you to know that you have a purpose. There is only one of you and your uniqueness is what makes you beautiful. You don't have to conform to society's social norms and stereotypical boxes. You don't have to feel pressured be like anyone else or live up to any standards. You set the standard and the goal for yourself. You know your ability and limitations and don't ever let anything hold you back.
Lastly, remember your story and your voice matters. I'll leave you with this question: Now, what would your story be?
@american
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Six Months Can Significantly Change Your Life
As somebody who’s spent a great deal of time being unemployed, underemployed, or an aimless student, I have felt the pangs of boredom and feeling like I’m spinning my tires in the mud and doing nothing with my life. And of course, with every aimless day running into each other, it’s incredible how fast the days turn into weeks which turn into months and eventually, years.
I’ve seen people accept it and just do nothing, and time gets away from you. You can spend your entire life saying that “Oh it’s too hard, I’m not going to do it,” or, “I’ll start tomorrow.”
After all, people want to see instantaneous results, which aren’t going to happen.
But the good news is, six months is enough to turn an incredible amount of stuff in your life around for the better if you want to. And if you’ve ever been unemployed or had a lot of spare, aimless time, you know how quickly six months can feel so why not make something out of it?
A few years ago, I went to see my academic adviser in college and by my calculations, I had a couple of courses left to take to graduate with my BS. in mechanical engineering. Nope. Turns out I miscalculated and I had something like nine courses left. I felt completely dejected. I wanted to just say, screw it and give up on getting my degree. But then I told my Mom, hoping that she would say something to affirm my feelings, something like, “yeah hun that sucks you should totally quit”. But instead she said something like, “Well either you can sulk about it or you can get it done.”
I took more courses than I ever had, and within six months I was finished my final course, and got my BS at 17 years of age.
After college graduation, I didn’t have the experience to go into my field to get an incredible job out the gate. Six months of volunteering while doing my madters got me the reference to change that. And a few months at that first low-paying job got me into my second, much better job while wrapping up my masters.
I had to work for free for a little bit, and then work a low-paying job in my field before I could step up, but I did it. But people don’t want to take those small steps, they think, “Oh well I don’t want to waste my time volunteering – it won’t help me out.”
I have a friend of mine who I use as an example. He’s been complaining about the lack of jobs, the lack of opportunities, the lack of progress, and the abysmal economy, whatever. This has been going on for years. While you’re complaining and doing nothing about it, you’re not getting anywhere, except older. I have been trying to get him to volunteer, to take lower paying jobs to pad his resume and get some cash reserves, to do whatever. If it’s not the top-tier position or something incredibly worthwhile, he’s not into it. But I give up because I can’t keep on him.
This isn’t just about work experience, though. You’re fat and want to lose weight? Lots of people don’t see results right away so they give up. Think about if you keep on and getting better, eating better, exercising more, cutting out more junk, how much you’ll progress in six months. I’m just over two weeks into cutting out junk, exercising vigorously, and drinking plenty of water. I have lost ten pounds already and feel incredible. But it’s just the beginning.
Want to quit smoking? Imagine if you start today, how much healthier you will be in six months.
Bottom line is this – no it won’t be overnight. No, it won’t be easy. But six months isn’t THAT long. But it’s long enough to make some incredible changes to your health, to your work experience, to your life in a positive, meaningful way. You can change SO much in that time.
@American
Hey, Don’t ever let someone tell you that you can’t do something. Not even me. You got a dream, you gotta protect it. When people can’t do something themselves, they’re gonna tell you that you can’t do it. You want something, go get it. Period. – Will Smith
(The Pursuit of Happyness)
@american
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When sex is no longer a priority is there an underlying relationship problem?
The importance of sex in a healthy relationship cannot be understated. Well, mostly.
See, as a guy, it’s definitely one of the most important things if not THE most important thing. It’s a primal thing, really. On the other hand, many women would say it’s just as important, but may be more likely to overlook the issue if everything else in the relationship is going well.
Here’s a simple way to sum things up: Men often choose a woman based upon the sex (or the prospect of it), and end up falling in love; while women generally choose a man based upon the love they feel, and end up enjoying sex. I know that “all” is a total generalization, but you get my point. Men tend to focus on sex. Women tend to focus on love.
But let me get personal here, my cousin is divorced. His ex is a lovely woman, whom he still loves dearly. However, they had many challenges in their marriage. One of the byproducts of all that (though some might argue it to actually be the cause) is that they quit having sex. The effect of this on him was challenging. Often, he'd feel sexually frustrated and felt resentment towards his ex because they weren’t being intimate.
The implications of all these factors are big because sex is a deep and powerful form of intimacy. It bonds and connects two people in ways that few other things can. It’s beyond the mind. It’s beyond the body, too. There is a deep energetic connection that bonds two people when they make love.
It’s not just the intermingling of juices. It’s not even that two people shared an act of love with someone, that they most likely hold sacred. What’s really happened is that there has been a union between two people that transcends time and space. And we know it. Yet it’s very hard to quantify. Right? We all know how close we feel to someone after we have sex. That doesn’t mean it’s the magical elixir for all that might be off or dysfunctional in a relationship.
But, heck, it sure does mean that it helps bring us together. The term “makeup sex” is just that. It brings us closer. If you’ve had a hard day and your hackles are all up towards your partner, yet at the end of the day you go to bed and make love, then the chances are that you will soften towards them and feel closer after making love.
I know many women may be saying that they just can’t have sex when they don’t feel close to their partner. It’s a valid point. I’m not saying you should.
What I am suggesting is this: if you want to feel more connected to your partner but are allowing squabbles and minor disagreements set your emotional agenda, simply let this anger fall away. Consider that the simple act of saying “yes” to your partner, and to passion, may begin to shift the dynamic. If you’re both honoring each other correctly, sex will most likely help you feel closer to your love.
Back to my cousin's marriage, there were often times when they had fought or just felt distance between them. This continued on and on so that they continued to grow apart over time. It could have been different. Many experts approach relationship challenges from the “deficiency model.” In this model, they identify what isn’t working, and work to fix those problems.
Makes lots of sense, right? Something is broken, so go fix it. What doesn’t jive with this approach is that it doesn’t typically address what is the core issue—a solid foundation in the relationship.
Relationship expert John Gottman has done outstanding research on relationships and what makes them work. This is where Gottman is different. He doesn’t suggest fixing anything. Rather, his approach is all about creating a solid foundation in the relationship. One where both people feel a strong, deep bond between each other. In doing this, there is a stronger bond and a level of goodwill that flows. When your man comes home at the end of the day and is in caveman mode, you don’t take it personally. And when your woman just wants to talk and be heard, you are happy to listen because you know she just needs an ear.
10th Grade:-
As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me.She was my so called 'best friend'.
I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that,
and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before.I handed them to her. She said 'thanks' and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
11th grade:-
the phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how
her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, So I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine.
After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bagsof chips, she decided to go home.
She looked at me, said 'thanks' and gave me a kiss on the cheek..I want to tell her, i want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Senior year:-
One fine day she walked to my locker. "My date is sick" she said, "hes not gonna go" well,
I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates we would go together just as 'best friends'. So we did. That night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step.I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes.
Then she said- "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her,
I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, i love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Graduation:-
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect boady floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma I wanted her to be mine-but
she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder
and said- 'you're my best friend, thanks' and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy,
and I don't know why.
Marriage:-
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. and drive off to her new life,
married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it.
But before she drove away, she came to me and said 'you came !'.
She said 'thanks' and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know
that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy,
and I don't know why.
Death:-
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my 'best friend'.
At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read:
'I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it.
I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends,
I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
I wish he would tell me he loved me !
...'I wish I did too...'
:'(
Express Your Love to Your partner Don't Keep it In Your Mind 😔
Myself, cops were already down the street no time to get to my car.
So facing my punishment I gave myself to them and was eventually sentenced to two life sentences. While in prison my apartment was rented to some new couple from whom one day I got a package from. Attached was a small card which read:
“We found this taped to the back of a painting left hanging in a room and due to the content we think it belongs to you.”
I opened it and as soon as I did I smelled her perfume. I removed a notebook from the package and looking to the last entry started to weep. It read:
Dear Diary, this is the last entry I am inputting. I am sick of life not only am I suffering from a broken heart but from an unsure decision as well. I know now that I love the one that hurt me but since he can’t change I won’t give him a second chance. I can't live without him . But if I could I would because my roommate might not be hot but he knows how to treat me right. I dont know but I think I’m in love with him as well but why should I burden him, all I do is burden otherwise I wouldn’t be writing in this thing. He’s offered to cook me breakfast in the morning and I know he might finally ask me out but I can’t let that happen no matter how I want to say yes, I’ll just be to him another burden. So thinking about all that has happened my choice is clear out of love for him I have to end the burden that is my life goodbye and may he find this article someday!
@american